How can I Balance Discipline with Joy and Fun at Home?
How can I Balance Discipline with Joy and Fun at Home?
Teaching love-driven obedience
Published on 10 December, 2024
Children thrive in an environment where discipline and warmth co-exist. Discipline sets the boundaries that tell them what they can and cannot do, while warmth gives them the security of their parents’ unconditional love. However, balancing these two characteristics of a calm and conducive home can be challenging at times, so let’s explore some ways to help us achieve this!
The goal of discipline is to teach children what boundaries are, and a way to introduce action-consequence in their decision-making process.
Training their minds through discipline
Often, parents discipline to change or control negative behaviours. However discipline should be seen as a tool to train their minds. Before we dive in, there are exceptions where discipline must be effective in changing behaviours, for example, where safety is concerned.
The goal of discipline is to teach children what boundaries are, and a way to introduce action-consequence in their decision-making process. As much as we hope that they would make the right choice all the time, we must also allow them to make mistakes and learn from them.
For example, my son insisted on having chocolates for snacks 5 days in a row. I told him how it would make him sick, but he still chose to eat them and true enough, he fell sick at the end of the period. That was the first and last time he ate chocolates for 5 days straight. The process of seeing him make this decision was hard and I knew exactly what was coming, but I knew that he had to go through it to truly learn this lesson.
When we understand that the purpose of discipline is beyond just controlling their behaviour, we are able to execute it in a manner that facilitates effective learning.
When our children trust our words and understand that their behaviour does not affect the way we love and accept them, their obedience is driven by love.
Discipline must be built upon trust
The foundation of effective discipline is a trusting relationship between the parent and child. A relationship without trust is largely driven by fear. We need to be careful as we train our children up, that their obedience is driven by love and trust, not fear.
When our children trust our words and understand that their behaviour does not affect the way we love and accept them, their obedience is driven by love. However, if our children see their behaviour as a means to earn our approval, then they will obey out of fear and a desire to continually please us. In the long run, we risk losing intimacy in our relationship with them while trying to teach them.
Change begins with us when we learn to empathise with our own parenting mistakes and show ourselves grace.
Words matter
In the process of disciplining our children, our words matter. As we teach them about right and wrong, we should never attack or make presumptions about their character with our words.
Even when they have made a mistake, we need to learn how to come alongside to empathise with them and show them grace. This is easier said than done, especially when we were never brought up this way. However, we can take heart: Change begins with us when we learn to empathise with our own parenting mistakes and show ourselves grace.
The guiding principle which I rely on is that we prize the person over the matter.
Rules can be bent when…
While we try to be consistent in holding out our boundaries and enforcing the rules that we set, sometimes we may find ourselves in situations where we feel unsure. There is a lot of fear when it comes to bending our rules because we don’t want to start something we cannot manage eventually. We fear that if we were to give in once, our very clever and observant children will pick it up and bargain for more. Where should we draw the line?
The answer is: It depends.
Rules are a guideline for our kids to understand structure and expectations in our homes. There is a place where rules must be enforced regardless. For example, we do not condone violence in our home, and there cannot be any compromise in such matters.
However, when it comes to things that are more subjective, such as screen time, staying over at a friend’s house, it really depends on the situation. The guiding principle which I rely on is that we prize the person over the matter.
We can make exceptions if it helps to build trust between us and our child, or if we see that giving it as a one-off treat would really make a difference. For example, if your child is graduating and there is a sleepover at a classmate’s house, there can be room for negotiation as to what is allowed and strictly not. This helps our children understand that we care about what they think and feel as well.
All we need is just a little imagination.
Fun and joy bind it all together!
There is just something magical about children having lots of fun and joy in the home. Maybe it speaks of how they really love their home, or it may reflect how closely knitted our family relationships are. Creating a home that is vibrant and filled with fun and laughter amidst structure and discipline may sound daunting (or impossible!) but here’s the secret: It’s in the little things!
We can always spice things up by changing the way things are done. Adding a little plot to the mundane routines can make things way more enticing and exciting than we can ever imagine. I remember it was probably the third time I was packing the house and I was getting frustrated that the boys were oblivious to the mess. I knew that I did not want to do it alone, neither did I want to hear any more grumbling from them about packing their toys.
So I put on my story-teller’s hat and told them that we needed to use our superpowers to save the toys from being eaten up by the vacuum cleaner. We all claimed our superpowers (sorting, re-arranging, lifting, etc) and kept the toys under record time that night. We even came up with our own tagline, “We are the best toys defender in town!”
Fun and joy are as important as routines in a home, they are like the cream between the sponge layers. They bind everyone in the family together and are a strong motivation for our children to work with us and sometimes, things get done faster!
All we need is just a little imagination. To create a balanced environment takes effort and intentionality, but start with the little things and implement one change at a time. You may not always be successful at the first try, but practice makes progress! Have fun!
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