Are You A Controlling Spouse?
Overcoming your fears
Published on 08 June, 2022
- Do you find yourself constantly trying to control what your partner does and how they do go about their tasks?
- Do you get upset or angry if things are not done specifically how you want them to be done?
- Do you often criticise or are judgemental towards your spouse?
- Does your spouse complain that you are controlling?
- Do you get your way by using the silent treatment or threats?
- Do you often make decisions for your spouse without consulting them?
If your answers are mostly “yes”, there is a high chance that you are controlling the relationship.
1. What’s behind controlling behaviours?
No one likes to admit that they are the “controller” in their marriage.
We get defensive when our spouse says that we are controlling. We may even believe that our controlling behaviours come from a good place because we care about the well-being of our spouse and the relationship.
While our intentions may be well-meaning and our concerns valid, it is important to realise that being overly controlling can do more harm than good to the relationship. No one likes to be micromanaged, especially not our spouse. If left unchecked, controlling behaviour can erode trust and gradually push the person closest to us away.
Controlling behaviours often stem from trust issues and are exacerbated by fear and anxiety. The causes can range from deep-seated personal issues, unhealthy habits, unresolved emotional wounds, negative family modelling, and insecure attachments, to irrational beliefs about others, self, and life.
Perhaps you grew up in a family where you experienced rejection instead of unconditional acceptance. This could have resulted in dysfunctional relationship models that you unconsciously picked up and replicated in your own behaviour.
If you want to maintain a healthy and thriving relationship, you can start by attending to your personal growth.
You may hold irrational beliefs or fall into thinking traps that increase your fear or anxiety to unhealthy levels. For example, you might think that when your spouse disagrees with you on an important matter, it signifies rejection, and damages your self-esteem. So, you may give your spouse the silent treatment or demand that he/she aligns with you instead of embracing the value of differing viewpoints.
Or perhaps your personality is such that you expect compliance from your family. You feel secure and comfortable only when you are in charge.
There can be a variety of reasons why a person exhibits controlling behaviours.
Understanding the root causes of one’s controlling tendencies is not about inducing guilt or punishing oneself, but rather gaining insights into how to address them. It’s crucial to recognise and understand our need for control. Without this recognition, it becomes difficult to engage in the process of change and growth.
If you think you need help to uncover the causes of your controlling behaviour and to make changes to strengthen your marriage, consider seeing a relationship coach or a counsellor.
Instead of trying to control your spouse, learn to accept, respect, and love him/her with all his/her shortcomings and failings.
2. Practical steps to take
There are also practical steps you can take to help you loosen the reins and improve your relationship:
1. Work on yourself first
Being controlling is usually a coping mechanism for anxiety. It is not uncommon that we project our undesirable attitudes onto our spouse when we feel lousy about ourselves. If you want to maintain a healthy and thriving relationship, you can start by attending to your personal growth.
2. Accept your spouse unconditionally
Instead of trying to control your spouse, learn to accept, respect, and love him/her with all his/her shortcomings and failings.
3. Learn to manage stress well
When we feel overwhelmed by life events and situations, we can become controlling towards others as a way of coping with our insecurities. So, if anxiety is fuelling your controlling behaviours, you can alleviate it by working on your stress management skills.
4. Examine irrational beliefs
When you notice that you’re starting to exhibit controlling behaviours, ask yourself: What about this situation is making me scared or worried? What am I afraid of? When you are able to press “pause” and become more self-aware, it will help you to let go.
It takes courage to admit that we are the controller in the marriage, especially if it is feedback from our spouse.
If left unchecked, controlling behaviours often do more harm than good to your marriage. It is thus important to first acknowledge the behaviour is unhelpful, and then identify the causes behind it so that you can work towards positive and sustainable change.
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