Published on 02 December, 2025
Ailin loves the family life she has with her husband and five children. Between cups of coffee, she mostly tries to keep up with her kids, sometimes learns new teen lingo, and very occasionally writes at her blog, Planting Trees.
“Sex is the glue that holds a marriage together.” Whether you agree with this statement or not, sex is an important component of marriage. Yet, it is a piece of the puzzle that doesn’t always fit neatly.
In marriage, two very different people bring their own beliefs, idiosyncrasies, preferences and upbringing into a most intimate relationship. How each person views, values and desires sex can be very different, affecting marriage in myriad ways. It is easy to have romanticised views of sex, thinking that sex in marriage is highly desirable and should come easily and naturally. However, reality often tells a different story.
A person’s level of sexual desire is not necessarily constant throughout marriage and can be influenced by many different factors. These can include:
Physical factors: Health issues, pregnancy, menopause, sexual dysfunction like vaginismus (a condition where the vagina involuntarily tightens, preventing penetration) or erectile dysfunction (the inability to achieve and maintain an erection for intercourse).
Emotional and psychological factors: Depression, anxiety, stress, past traumas, cultural values and attitudes regarding sex.
Life stages: Having children, loss of a job or being in the midst of changing jobs, ageing.
It is also common for couples to experience mismatched sexual desires due to differing expectations regarding frequency (how often a spouse desires sex) or type of intimacy (the kind of sexual activity a spouse would like or be willing to engage in).
When sexual desires are mismatched, it can cause strain and tensions to arise in a marriage. A spouse may feel rejected, misunderstood, judged or neglected. If couples do not know how to or are unable to communicate how they feel, it can be very isolating and can cause one to feel unheard and unloved.
A vicious cycle emerges where a lack of emotional connection hinders physical intimacy which widens the emotional gap, causing husband and wife to grow apart.
Communicate your feelings
Be willing to express how you feel about your current situation. We cannot assume that our spouses know how we are feeling. Speak and listen without judgement, with the intention of wanting our marriages to thrive and flourish, not to point fingers or cast blame.
Take the effort to spend quality time with each other and do things that you enjoy together. Appreciate one another and be interested in each other’s lives. Assure each other of your commitment and desire to grow together through the challenges. Emotional connection can rekindle physical intimacy.
Sex may be a taboo subject for some people in certain circles. But the more we talk about sex in marriage, the clearer it is for spouses to understand where each person is coming from. When couples are vague or indirect about their sexual needs or feelings, the issue can be left unresolved and made even more confusing or hurtful for either person.
Talking about what each person enjoys and prefers in sex can be enlightening and helpful as you explore sex together as a couple. Such conversations may not come naturally, so it is important to be kind and patient in gently encouraging each other to express oneself. Instead of using negative words like “You never touch me”, speak positively: “I like it when you do this”.
Love is being willing to do what is best for the other. In marriage, there will always be occasions where we must compromise and be willing to meet halfway for the sake of the other. Someone with low sexual desire can choose to still engage in sex, and someone with high sexual desire can choose not to impose their expectations on their partner.
Sex need not always be spontaneous. We can plan for it just like how we plan for a date. This helps couples work around schedules and ensure they have time and energy for sex. It also allows couples to have something to look forward to and prepare themselves physically, mentally and emotionally.
Foreplay is also an important part of sex. Setting the mood, helping around the house, having a thoughtful conversation, and giving a massage are all helpful ways to prepare our bodies for sexual pleasure.
With communication, empathy and compromise, you can create a safe space to talk through differences and work out what an enjoyable and fulfilling sex life might look like for both of you.
In some cases where mismatched sexual drives have become too distressing in marriage, it may be necessary and beneficial to consult marriage counsellors or professionals in sexual health. You do not have to suffer alone. These professionals will be able to give you insights and strategies that can lead to healing and restoration in your marriage. Their counsel may enable you to enjoy the fullness of physical and emotional intimacy in your marriage.
Ailin loves the family life she has with her husband and five children. Between cups of coffee, she mostly tries to keep up with her kids, sometimes learns new teen lingo, and very occasionally writes at her blog, Planting Trees.
Nelson and Gina
Nelson and Gina Lee have been accredited facilitators with Focus on the Family Singapore for over a decade, beginning their involvement conducting relationship talks for tertiary students since 2011.
Driven by a passion for nurturing strong relationships, they have extensive experience in facilitating dating workshops for courting couples and pre-marital programmes for those considering marriage. They have also have led marriage retreats designed to deepen connection and commitment among married couples.
