What to do when your marriage feels boring
What to do when your marriage feels boring
Practical strategies to revive your relationship
Published on 27 June, 2024
“My marriage is going through the motions. It’s so boring.”
“I relish those times we had so much fun or excitement.”
“I wish there was more life in my marriage – right now, it’s just boring.”
Do any of these statements ring a bell? If so, you are not alone.
In the early stages of marriage, couples often feel excited or thrilled to be together, even when navigating the challenges of adjusting to each other’s preferences, habits, temperaments, and quirks! As time passes, couples may feel as if their marriage has hit a “rinse and repeat” button, and keeping the spark alive can be a tall order. Without intentional effort to keep the spark alive, boredom soon sets in.
However, feeling bored in your marriage doesn’t necessarily mean something is wrong with the relationship. While there are seasons when you may feel like you’re stuck in a rut, boredom should not be a long-term trait in a healthy relationship.
“Boredom is not a red flag in a marriage, but it is an amber light that should not be ignored. It should prompt you to pause and reevaluate your marriage.”
What are possible reasons for boredom in marriage?
1. Predictability or familiarity
Marriage can become predictable and repetitive. Seeing the same person every day and believing you know everything about your spouse can lead to feeling too comfortable and taking each other for granted.
2. Being too busy
Once you are married, there are new roles and responsibilities to navigate and adjust to. The focus on “you and me only” gradually shifts. Careers, work-related travels, children, and other obligations can take centre stage, leaving little time for each other.
3. Lack of meaningful or deep conversations
Communication is the lifeblood of a healthy relationship. Without making time to connect, you and your spouse will gradually drift apart and soon your relationship may lose its vitality and spark.
4. Different interests and hobbies
Your marriage can hit a rut when you and your spouse do not have common interests. While you may have separate interests and hobbies, it is necessary to also find activities you both enjoy doing together. This is a key ingredient that enables couples to bond and stick together for the long haul.
Boredom is not a red flag in a marriage, but it is an amber light that should not be ignored. It should prompt you to pause and reevaluate your marriage, and take small steps to reignite the life and passion you once shared.
“You affirm the strengths or positive aspects of your spouse, while patiently working on their weaknesses with them.”
What are strategies couples can consider to reignite the marriage flame?
1. Be proactive and intentional
Boredom sets in when you stop being proactive or making the effort to tend and nurture the garden of your union. The grass is not always greener on the other side, it is greener in one’s marriage when it is watered with consistent, tender loving care.
2. Explore new things together
If you and your spouse engage in the “same old, same old” shared activities, the lack of novelty or stimulation may have contributed to the boredom you experience. Consider breaking out of your routines and trying new things together, for example, volunteering at a soup kitchen, going for a couple spa or massage, or exploring the sights and sounds of a new neighbourhood. Novelty can reignite excitement and life into a marriage.
3. Prioritise and pursue each other
During courtship or the initial stages of marriage, your partner is high on your priority list, and you are pursuing each other regardless of your busy schedule. After you have successfully “won” each other, the pursuing often stops.
If you want the fire in the relationship to be kept ablaze, you’ll need to continually pursue the heart of the love of your life, even amidst a busy schedule.
4. Change how you think about your spouse and/or relationship
Our thought patterns about marriage and our spouse can profoundly affect our love and feelings for our spouses.
If you are inclined to focus on your spouse’s weaknesses, or you have unrealistic expectations of your relationship; you will experience a sense of dissatisfaction and become resentful that your needs and expectations are not met. Unwittingly, the relationship slides, and soon you and your spouse stop putting effort into the marriage. When this happens, the marriage stagnates.
It has been said that what one focuses on grows. With this strategy, you affirm the strengths or positive aspects of your spouse, while patiently working on their weaknesses with them. This shift and change in perspective not only makes your spouse feel good about their strengths, but also helps them to grow and improve in their weaknesses over time.
5. Get help or professional intervention
Boredom is not a terminal condition, but can potentially be a threat to the relationship. This is particularly true if your feelings of boredom are linked with deeper issues, such as personal emotional baggage or unresolved issues in the relationship.
Additionally, if persistent boredom results in a loss of interest in the relationship, it could be a sign of mental health conditions such as depression or anxiety. It is helpful to approach a professional to talk things through and receive the appropriate guidance and help to address the underlying root issues.
Regardless of how long you have been married, it is not uncommon to experience ups and downs in the relationship at one time or another. What is important is for couples to address and work through these obstacles together.
Feeling bored doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with your relationship; it simply means you need to reconnect and rediscover the joy you once shared.
Personalise your experience here at Focus on the Family Singapore
Does articles on “Marriage” interest you? Add them to your favourite topics to get articles recommended for you.
