Resource Type: Articles

9 Things to Know Before Getting Married

When two people come together in marriage, they often hope for a blissful and exciting journey ahead.  

But sometimes, the experience disappoints, resulting in doubt, anger, disappointment, or even hopelessness.  

 What are the ingredients of a good marriage, one that will indeed be “till death do us part?” And more importantly, what are some things you should know as you prepare to take the leap of faith into marriage? 

1. Things will never be perfect 

Sometimes we fall into the trap of thinking that once we tie the knot, things will be smooth-sailing and that all our issues will work out magically. Perhaps the first thing we should adjust is our expectations on our better half, as well as on this crazy little thing called marriage.  

It will take time, hard work, lots of patience and endurance to run the race well, and to learn to communicate our needs, quirks, likes and dislikes with this person whom we love but can also drive us up the wall. Acknowledging all these is a good first step toward building marital intimacy. 

2. Trust is key 

We know trust and commitment are vital ingredients in every thriving marriage, but what exactly does this mean? As one writer puts it, “[Trust] is made up of the many small things we choose to do (or not do) each day.” It is found in the way we speak to each other, the way we appreciate the things our spouse does, and the way we honour our word.  

Read more about rebuilding trust when it has been broken. 

3. Friendship is vital 

The secret to a long-lasting marriage is friendship. It may sound obvious, but it is easy to take your spouse for granted, and to forget even basic manners like being kind and gracious.  

Think about what your best friend would do for you – such as supporting you when you’re feeling down, cheering for you when you are facing a challenge – then strive to do the same for your spouse.  

As friends do, make time to have fun and discover new things together. Build a treasure trove of great memories that you can revisit throughout your lifetime.  

Men often value respect over everything else, and women, being loved. 

4. Men need respect; women need love 

Dr. Emerson Eggerichs, a New York Times bestselling author on marriage, points out that “men hear criticism as contempt [while] women feel silence as hostility.”  

At the heart of lies the different emotional needs of a man and a woman. We may want to avoid gender stereotypes, but we cannot deny that men often value respect over everything else, and women, being loved. Once we can understand this fundamental aspect of our spouse’s need, we can set our minds to meeting those needs and creating a positive cycle of interaction, instead of a negative one.  

Read more about love and respect.  

5. Marriage is a team sport 

Regardless of how you sometimes feel, it is vital to remember that you and your spouse are on the same team. Build up your team spirit, improve the way you work together, and seek to understand the innermost thoughts of your spouse. This way, when life hurls its worst challenges at you, you both can stand strong, and support each other well through the ups and downs.   

6. Financial discussions are a must 

Money discussions are not always easy to have, especially when you’re caught in the tailwind of romance. However, money is one of the biggest sources of marital conflict, so it is worth diving into the topic early, and revisiting it intentionally.   

Discuss how you’ll share your finances after marriage, who will pay for what, and the checks and balances that you wish to set in place. Learn more about managing finances in this podcast. 

7. Learn to give and take 

In a healthy relationship, both parties need to learn to give and take, and there is a sense of balance and equity. When one partner is in need because of an illness or a demanding project at work, the other plays a supportive role without being asked, and without keeping score.  

Of course, this cannot be to the detriment of one party all of the time, as it could lead to feelings of resentment or being overlooked. 

We need not be overly afraid of conflict, as each fight could lead us to a deeper understanding of ourselves and our partner. 

8. Seek to surprise, with chores 

When the shower drain is clogged with hair, or the toilets need to be scrubbed, it shouldn’t always fall on the same person to handle.  

For some couples, a set list of chores for each person helps, while others may split them based on their work schedules and competencies, rather than divvy them up equally. 

Regardless of whether the chore falls into your domain, remember that it’s always nice to surprise your spouse by taking the initiative to do it.   

9. There are ways to fight well 

Conflicts are part and parcel of married life. We need not be overly afraid of conflict, as each fight could lead us to a deeper understanding of ourselves and our partner. 

Set some ground rules in this arena, for example, no matter how bad the conflict, let’s not say hurtful words or threaten to leave the marriage. Or, let’s keep short accounts and not bring up past mistakes or failures to hurt the other person.  

Even in the midst of a squabble, set your heart on understanding your spouse. Ask, what is important to him/her when it comes to this issue? Is there a deeper need that they’re finding hard to share?  

Remember – this is a journey of a lifetime, so give yourselves and each other the space and time to grow and learn! 

© 2022 Focus on the Family Singapore. All rights reserved. 

When Results Aren’t The Only Thing

Growing up, exam season was a big thing. In my family, at least. 

Growing up in a neighbourhood school, I was constantly fed with the idea that working hard was the only way to a better life. 

In the lead-up to the PSLE, I would regularly wake up at 4am to study before I went to school. Even at the tender age of 12, my mum would buy me coffee so that I could stay awake. 

By all accounts, it worked, as I landed in one of the most elite schools in Singapore. 

Yet, the competition didn’t end there. It was only the beginning. For the rest of high school and college, I was given the narrative that we were the “cream of the crop”. Achievements were aplenty in my school. Each day, during assembly, we would see people winning Math Olympiads, international sports competitions, and being awarded book prizes.

I was struggling to even pass my exams at this point. Seeing these achievements around me fuelled my internal narrative that I was not enough. 

Finally in 2016, I won that overseas scholarship, but that only set me on a drive for more. 

It was worse now. I had a price tag to my value, with the $208,000 bond now quantifying my worth. I felt I had to work to justify what others had invested in me. 

In 2019, I thought I got all I wanted. 

The first-class honours, awards, and even a board directorship. 

But when I finally returned to Singapore, I was filled with a strange emptiness. I stuffed myself with cakes, chocolates and cookies to fill the emptiness within me. Within a month, I grew by 8kg. I realised I needed help. In October 2019, I saw a psychiatrist, and took antidepressants. 

It was an irony to imagine how far I’d fallen from grace – from a board director, to being put on antidepressants. 

I share this story because I want parents to know one thing: That what you might be pushing your child to – more accolades, better results, may not be the thing that satisfies them, nor you. 

There is a caveat though.

Communicating to your child why it is in his interests to do well academically may make more sense than force-feeding him tuition.

Results are still important

As a social worker, I’ve seen some parents fling to the other extreme of declaring, “Results are not important! It’s okay if you fail.”

Striving for excellence in school is a good and healthy trait. Simply letting your child play is not ideal. 

We often say, “All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.” But we forget the converse is also true. “All play and no work makes Jack a poor boy.”

Communicating to your child why it is in his interests to do well academically may make more sense than force-feeding him tuition. 

My parents regularly communicated with me why academic excellence was important. It was made more real because of the multiple retrenchments my dad experienced during my growing up years. 

One night, after my father had been retrenched, my mum explained to me that academic excellence wouldn’t necessarily guarantee a more secure future, but it would provide a firmer foundation. 

It helped me understand why she was pushing me so hard.

My parents exposed me to different hobbies from an early age, encouraging me to build excellence in hobbies that weren’t tied to academic performance. It encouraged me to do well in something because I liked it.

Nurturing excellence outside of school

Inculcating your child with a healthy desire for excellence is necessary and important. 

I appreciated how my parents exposed me to different hobbies from an early age, encouraging me to build excellence in hobbies that weren’t tied to academic performance. 

It encouraged me to do well in something because I liked it, and not because the school required it. 

For example, from the age of 4, they sent me for swim and art classes to inculcate a healthy lifestyle. 

For your child, you too can encourage hobbies outside of school. It can teach your child in nurturing a natural drive for excellence in what they want to do, rather than what they need to do. 

The key though is having a balance, rather than over-scheduling your child. We often apply an adult perspective of full-time work to a child’s schedule, without realising that some unhurried time may be beneficial to them.

Healthy boundaries around screen-based play

A healthy desire for excellence is also nurtured within well-structured boundaries, particularly around device usage. 

As a social worker, one of the most common parenting complaints I’ve seen is around a lack of control of screen usage. 

We may not realise the dangers of device use at an early age, when the brains of children are not fully developed. They may lack the maturity to self-manage their device usage. 

What’s interesting is also how tech titans have dealt with device usage in their own families. 

In the aftermath of the release of the iPad, Nick Bilton, a New York Times reporter, asked Steve Jobs, “Your kids must love the iPad, right?”

Jobs replied, “They haven’t used it. We limit the amount of technology our children use at home.”

Walter Isaacson, the biographer of Steve Jobs went on to report:

“Every night Steve insisted on dining at the big kitchen table, talking about books, history and a variety of other things. Nobody ever took out an iPad or a computer. The kids didn’t seem addicted to the devices. “

Balancing push and pull 

In the push for excellence, perhaps what is needed is to remember to pull our children towards us for nurturing. 

How? 

Whatever mark your child gets for their exams, take time to let them know that you appreciate the effort they’ve put in. Communicate the unconditional love you have, regardless of the mark they’ve achieved. 

In the lead-up to their exams, don’t gloss over the emotions of anxiety and fear that the child might experience. Take time to speak about it during dinners. Ask questions like: “How do you feel about your upcoming exams?”

Share your own experiences of exam anxiety when growing up. It models to your child that feelings are a valid aspect of who they are, and not something to be ashamed or embarrassed about.

What our children long for

Often, our child’s studying habits can leave us feeling frustrated and angry. We wish they would study harder, spend less time on phone games, and be better behaved. 

We may unwittingly convey the message that our child can only be loved if they achieve better grades, stop playing so much, or be better behaved. 

In 2015, after receiving my A-Level results, I felt lost and anxious. I wanted to become a doctor, but I couldn’t, because of my results. 

I started actively thinking about suicide. In my mind, I rationalised it as, “Since I can’t become a doctor, there’s not much point in living.” 

Eventually I saw a doctor, who referred me to the Institute of Mental Health (IMH). In the wee hours of the morning, when I was finally allowed to go home, my father wrapped his arms around me, squeezed my shoulder, and said:

“John, straight A-s or no A-s, you’re still my son.”

Children long to be validated and loved for who they are, and not just who they will become. 

Today, perhaps it’s worth asking, “What if your child was doing the very best they could?”

How would that change your approach to them? 

It’s worth reflecting on.

 © 2023 Focus on the Family Singapore. All rights reserved. 

Kindness – The Secret Sauce Of A Good Marriage

Kindness is an often overlooked characteristic of a successful marriage.  

Ask any married person what a key ingredient of a great marriage is, and you would receive answers like respect, commitment, honesty, and openness in communication.  

Just like cooking up a palatable dish, if a key ingredient is missing, the dish lacks the “oomph” that has you coming back for more.  

Kindness may not be the fundamental element that holds the marriage, but without generous dashes of it, your relationship cannot flourish.

What is kindness? 

According to the Cambridge academic content dictionary, kindness is defined as the quality of being generous, helpful, and caring about other people, or an act showing this quality. 

When people think of kindness, they often associate it with acts of generosity such as buying gifts, or acts of service such as taking out the trash.  

But being kind is both an attitude and an action. Do we treat our spouses with gentleness when they make mistakes or are we condescending? Do we insist on our way or do we consider our spouse’s needs and preferences in every situation? 

Of course, it is easy to be kind when things are going well or when your spouse is kind first. It’s a totally different story when things are not going well, or you perceive your spouse to be the one who is unkind or undeserving. Such angsty times are, in fact, opportunities to practise kindness.  

If you match a snide remark your spouse made with your own equally sarcastic comment, what you get at best, is negative vibes for that moment, but at worst, it could spark a cycle of tension and resentment in your marriage.  

However, if you try something different – instead of returning harsh words, you choose to speak with compassion or voice your emotion with an “I” statement, you halt the negativity in its tracks and might even get an apology from your spouse. 

As the saying goes, “Kindness begets kindness.” So, if couples make it a habit to exercise kindness toward each other, they will feel validated and cared for. Over time, it gives rise to an upward spiral of positivity and love, which nourishes the marital bond and fosters intimacy. 

If you are in a relationship that is struggling, conscious acts of kindness may not transform your marriage overnight, but they are a good start. Kindness has the power to change a marriage that has become lacklustre or contemptuous. What is required is effort and time to be a kinder partner.  

However, if you are experiencing abuse of any form or find yourselves entrenched in unhealthy patterns of communication, please seek professional help.  

Since kindness nourishes the marital bond and promotes emotional connection, why not flavour our marriages with the secret sauce of kindness?  

If couples make it a habit to exercise kindness toward each other, they will feel validated and cared for. 

Choose to be kind first 

We cannot make or force our spouse to be kind. However, we can choose to be kind regardless of our spouse’s attitude or actions. Being kind does not mean faking a smile when we are unhappy or yielding to demanding behaviour. It does mean we treat our spouse the way we want to be treated. If we want our marriage to be characterised by kindness, we can start by being kind first.  

Give without expecting payback 

Of course, it will not come easy if we perceive our spouse to be undeserving of kindness. That’s when it is helpful to examine our motivation for expressing kindness. If our goal is to give expecting a payback, we would be upset if our spouse does not reciprocate. When we extend kindness because it is the right thing to do, then the rewards are more far-reaching and long-lasting: a healthy, vibrant and thriving marriage. 

Schedule time for kindness 

This strategy may be deemed as lacking depth or hollow. But it is worth a try if your priority is to strengthen your relationship by becoming a kinder person.  

Random acts of kindness can increase good vibes and make your spouse feel validated. But they are just that – random. When you schedule time for kindness, your focus will be on ways to express kindness toward your spouse. So instead of ruminating over petty grievances that could potentially make you feel worse and zap your energy, set aside a little time on a regular basis – whether it is ten, twenty minutes, or whatever timeframe you are comfortable with – to do something thoughtful for your spouse.   

Daily acts of kindness not only nourishes your relationship; they can keep resentment taking root in your marriage. 

Tip: Embark on a 30-day kindness challenge to help you kickstart your journey of   kindness.

“No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.” – Aesop

Show kindness the way your spouse understands 

Our idea of acts of kindness may differ from our spouse. We may think that buying a gift is a kind act whereas our spouse experiences kindness when we refrain from using harsh words during a conflict. When we understand how our spouse wants to be treated kindly and express kindness from his/her frame of reference, we will likely have a happy spouse and relationship.

Kindness has the power to change a marriage that has become lacklustre or contemptuous. What is required is effort and time to be a kinder partner. 

Kindness in marriage matters. Without it, our marriage cannot flourish. If we want our marriage to be thriving, we can choose to be kind, and make conscious effort to show kindness to our spouse.  

What is one act of kindness you can do for your spouse today?  

 © 2023 Focus on the Family Singapore. All rights reserved. 

4 LOVE Habits To Cultivate In The New Year

When it comes to new year resolutions and goals, lifestyle habits such as productivity, finances, and nutrition are usually given more attention and focus.  

But what if we take time to develop new habits or relook at our current habits with the goal of strengthening our marriages? 

Healthy habits provide structure and consistency and cultivating them is important as they contribute to our marriage’s health and vitality. Additionally, relationship habits promote changes that are sustainable over time.   

Here are some Stop-Start-Show-Stay habits you might want to consider:  

Stop comparing, complaining, and criticising 

It is very easy and tempting to compare our spouse with someone else’s husband or wife, complain when our needs are not met, or criticise our spouse’s shortcomings: 

“My marketing manager manages her work and children so well; you can’t even discipline a three-year-old, let alone do well at work.”   

“My boss prioritises his family over his work, you can’t even have an uninterrupted meal with us. You are always on your phone.”  

Of course, your criticism might well reflect a very real and difficult marital issue you might be facing, and genuinely want to seek resolution for.  

But constant comparison, nitpicking, and focusing on what your spouse does wrong builds resentment, and may chip away at their motivation to do anything about it.  

A more effective approach is to express your concerns or dissatisfaction in a non-judgmental manner and share your needs or request for change.  

But constant comparison, nitpicking, and focusing on what your spouse does wrong builds resentment, and may chip away at their motivation to do anything about it. 

Start affirming and validating  

Our spouses want to know they are valued and accepted. Practicing unconditional positive regard not only uplifts our spouses, but also nourishes and gives the relationship a dose of fresh air during stressful times.  

Ideas to affirm and validate your spouse:  

  • Send an encouraging text message  
  • Tell your children how much you appreciate their father/mother for being a loving parent 
  • Show empathy through attentive listening
  • Share with your spouse a positive character trait that you like about him or her 
  • Plan a surprise birthday party or event for your spouse

Practicing unconditional positive regard not only uplifts our spouses, but also nourishes and gives the relationship a dose of fresh air during stressful times. 

Show appreciation and gratitude  

Taking our spouses for granted is a surefire way to sour the relationship. Here are some examples you may find familiar:  

  • He expects and gets used to her coaching the children in their studies and disciplining them when they misbehave.  
  • She sees it as his duty to work hard to support and provide for the family.  

As the saying goes “familiarity breeds contempt”; when a spouse’s contribution toward the welfare of the family is unappreciated or goes unrecognised, it can slowly create unhappiness and contempt.  

Make it a habit this new year to say “thank you” more often although it is not necessary to go overboard. Genuine expressions of appreciation will make you more grateful and your spouse will also feel affirmed, which will go a long way in enhancing the marriage bond. 

The grass is greener where it is watered and given tender loving care. 

Stay committed for the long haul  

Regardless of the number of years you are married, when your marriage hits a rut, it is tempting to think that “the grass is greener elsewhere” and fantasize about being married to another person.  

So, instead of spending time and energy working to revitalize the marriage, it is not uncommon for the “bored” or dissatisfied spouse to give excuses for not putting in effort or shift the blame onto the spouse.   

The prospect of having a new partner may seem like a wonderful alternative to a rocky marriage – especially at your lowest moments – but remember that you may just end up with a different set of problems with the new person.  

There is no easy way around it – the grass is greener where it is watered and given tender loving care.  

Here is an interesting quote that can be aptly applied to marriage:  

“There’s a difference between interest and commitment. When you’re interested in doing something, you do it only when it is convenient. When you’re committed to something, you accept no excuses, only results.” –Ken Blanchard 

A marriage relationship is for keeping. Choose to be faithful and commit to tending and nurturing your relationship.  

Here are some practical ideas you can start working on today:  

  • List the good and gains you have from being married to your spouse  
  • Remember and recite your wedding vows and choose to uphold the promise to stay faithful 
  • Practice the art of forgiveness 
  • Display a family or marriage photo on your electronic devices or any spaces that serve as reminders of your goal to be faithful 

 Which habit do you want to cultivate in the new year to deepen your marriage bond? 

What is ONE habit you can jumpstart this week to reset your marriage? 

© 2023 Focus on the Family Singapore. All rights reserved.

Bullying – Is Punishment The Way To Go?

Bullying refers to the use of strength or power to frighten or hurt weaker people. (Dictionaries, 2023)

I recently came across an account on bullying that took me by surprise. It wasn’t the act of bullying but the way the parents handled it that caught me off-guard. It was the first time I had ever heard of such an approach.

James is a quiet and reserved boy who loves helping those who are in need. When he entered primary school, his friends took advantage of his kindness and started bullying him. He had a classmate who was bigger in size compared to him, and bullied him often. He pushed James around and caused him hurt by pinching him. He also poured water on James out of his own bottle. Fearing that he would be bullied further, James did not dare to raise this to his teacher. Fortunately, because of the close relationship he has with his parents, he shared with them these incidents as soon as he got home every single time.

One would have expected his parents to fly into a rage and even lodge a police report because of the physical harm that was caused, but they did not.

I know that I can approach the school anytime

James’s father had a close relationship with the school because he was part of the parent support group. It gave him the confidence that he could go to the school to ask for assistance on this matter and it would be a better solution than to take matters into his own hands.

James also highlighted to his father that this boy was his classmate after all, and he did not wish to escalate the matter. His father took his advice.

There is wisdom in this approach. Escalating the matter could make things awkward for James to continue to be in the same classroom, because he would not know how to face this friend that his father had lodged a formal complaint against. And it would probably create more stress for James eventually.

Communication and education are better solutions to bullying, rather than punishment.

By punishing we will not learn

Rather than to get the form teacher to punish the boy harshly, James’s father requested for the bully to be counselled and educated on the detrimental effects of bullying. He also reiterated to the teacher that he does not wish for the bully to be punished. He believes that communication and education are better solutions in the long term. He was right.

This father’s story was a breath of fresh air. I realised that he was not only concerned about what his son had gone through, but he was also concerned about what the other boy would learn. He wanted to protect his child, and he also wanted the boy to learn what is right.

Often as parents, we tend to jump into the situation to defend our child. This is the parental instinct to protect our young in times of danger. But James’s father taught me to go one step further, to not only protect my child but also to champion what is right.

Punishing the child will only reiterate that what he did was wrong. It does not solve the root issue that he is going through. It does not equip the child with the right handles to relate to a classmate, to express his emotions in a safe manner. Communicating and educating does. It helps the child process why he acts in a certain manner, and it trains the child to think of how his actions impact others. This will result in real and lasting change.

This sharing has given me a fresh perspective on bullying, and a good one.

Bullying occurs anywhere, but children are a more vulnerable group. Especially younger children in the preschool and lower primary range, who may be unable to defend themselves.

Educating a child about bullying helps them process why they may act in a certain manner, and trains them to think of how his actions impact others.

While discussing this topic with some of my friends who are teachers in a preschool and primary school, they shared with me some very practical handles.

Tacking bullying in young children:

1. Safety first

Get away to a safe place. Do not engage or retaliate because it might result in more injuries. Go to a place where there are adults.

2. Seek help

Find a reliable adult, whether it is a teacher or parent, and seek help. Get them involved so that they can handle the situation. Adults are equipped with the knowledge and ability to deal with these matters in a safe manner.

3. Look out for changes in child’s behaviour

More often than not, young children are not able to articulate the stresses that they are undergoing. However, it shows up in their behaviors such as: Loss of appetite, isolation, emotional instability, overwhelming fear etc. These are major signs that your child may be going through something in school.

4. Get the full picture

Children do not have an accurate concept of time, and they also are not able to remember entirely what had happened. It is best to speak with their teachers to find out what exactly happened before deciding the best course of action. Relying on their words alone may not be helpful.

5. Work towards a win-win situation

Work together with the teacher for a win-win situation. It is not only important to protect the child, but also to ensure that there is a real and lasting change.

Bullying has to be corrected, not just prevented.

For privacy reasons, pseudonyms were used in this article.

Why Did My Parents Separate?

Primary years (7-9 years)

The separation or dissolution of a parent’s marriage can be devastating for children of any age. As children at this young age may not fully understand the complexities of human relationships and why their parents cannot stay married, keep your explanations simple. Focus on providing as much security, stability and assurance that they will continue to be loved and cared for by both parents, where possible.

Younger children may find it hard to process and describe their feelings at the onset of the news. But as they adjust to the changes or when they start seeing less of one parent, a mixture of sadness, fear, or anxiety may set in.

They may ask questions about how their parents’ separation will impact them and their daily routines. These include, “Who will I be staying with?”, “Will I still see my other parent regularly?”, “Will my parents get back together?”.

Some children may even wonder if they did something wrong or were the cause of the separation. Assure them that they are not the cause.

Reiterate that while there are going to be changes to the family and living arrangements, nothing will change your love for them, and they will continue to be loved and cared for. It is important not to badmouth your partner in front of your child, as this may add to the feelings of conflict and confusion.

Tween years (10-12 years)

Older children may experience a sense of loss with their parents separating and have a negative view of themselves compared to their peers. They may also feel anger, sadness or even resentment toward their parents for the breakdown in their marriage and family life.

Look out for any unusual behavioural changes as tweens may act out due to their difficult emotions, particularly if they find it hard to express their feelings with their parents. They may become withdrawn or develop attention-seeking behaviours due to the fear of being abandoned or neglected.

Some preteens may even vent the anger they feel on their siblings; bullying them, shouting at them or directing their frustration at them.

Instead of trying to make them accept the change and move on, take time to listen to check in on how they’re doing. Ask them to share their feelings, even if these are negative and you instinctively want to shut them down. Validate their feelings by saying, “I can see that you are upset/scared/angry. Can you tell me more?” This helps your child feel seen and heard and let’s them know that they can come to you with any of their difficult feelings.

Teen years (13-15 years)

Parents may assume that teenagers have greater mental capacity to deal with the adjustments now that they are older. However, this depends on the maturity of your child. If teens have heard their parents argue or seen one parent staying out a lot more, chances are they’ve picked up on what is happening.

Even when a separation or divorce is amicable, it’s natural for your teenagers to grieve the loss of their family. Give them space for their reactions or non-reactions, and time to process their feelings.

The pain from their parents’ separation can sometimes impact their identity, self-esteem, and future relationships. Remember that in this teenage stage, there are many changes taking place in their life, emotionally and mentally as well. This makes open and honest communication even more crucial in the time surrounding a divorce. Make sure your teen understands that they can come to you to talk about anything.

To maintain stability in their lives, it’s crucial to surround your teens with other nurturing relationships. Be intentional about building a supportive community around them, such as with their grandparents, extended family members like uncles and aunties, cousins or others trusted adults in their life, like a teacher, counsellor or coach.

Be patient even if your child seems like they are pushing you away. Open and honest communication reduces the chance of deep emotional problems festering beneath the surface.

Coping with divorce is hard at any age and children especially can have a more challenging time. If you are considering divorce, do consider how it can potentially impact your children and take time to help your children navigate the complex emotions surrounding divorce. If you are seeking counselling help, look no further.

Conversations About Sex Need Not Be So Tough

Research shows that when parents engage their children in topics on sexuality, their children grow to make wiser choices in relationships and sex. To help you overcome your fears in broaching the topic, we have designed a Talk About Sex video series specially for parent and child (aged 7-12) to enjoy, engage with and learn together!
Find out more

Make Love Last with a Growth Mindset

We’ve all heard the adage that marriage is hard work. But how often do you see couples putting in this ‘hard work’ intentionally and regularly?

How often do we sit down and reflect on our relationship with our spouse, understanding what makes him or her tick, and figuring out ways to strengthen our marriage?

In our hectic world, it can be challenging to make time to tend to our relationship, especially after kids enter the picture. But I think it is crucial that we try.

Healthy marriages allow room for change and growth. You may have heard of Carol Dweck’s work about the growth mindset, but can you imagine what will happen if we apply this same growth mindset to our marriage?

Difference between the growth and fixed mindsets

Dweck found that there exists two different mindsets. People either have a fixed mindset or a growth mindset.

The growth mindset says:

  • You are still growing.
  • You can learn from your mistakes.
  • We all have strengths as well as areas to improve on.

The fixed mindset says:

  • Don’t even try.
  • My spouse is always like this, things will never change.
  • Don’t take the risk.

People with fixed mindsets tend to judge constantly—themselves as well as others. Their firm belief is that people and character traits are often unchangeable.

Those who practise the growth mindset are observant of others, but refrain from judging. Instead of accepting the status quo unquestioningly, they are always asking: What can I learn from this? How can I improve? How can I help my partner do better?

Moving from a fixed to a growth mindset—according to Dweck—entails “changing the internal monologue from a judging one to a growth-oriented one”.

It is healthy to notice the good and even great things that you’ve achieved in your marriage or family life, and be grateful for them.

Here are some growth mindset tips that we can apply to our marriage:

1. Remember to enjoy the good things

It is healthy to notice the good and even great things that you’ve achieved in your marriage or family life, and be grateful for them. Perhaps it is the strong family support that you’ve built, or solid friendships; whatever it is, remind each other that you’ve worked well together in this aspect. And think about the different areas that you want to grow in this year.

2. Seek to understand your differences better

When something about your spouse irks you, seek to understand the root of this habit. There have been times I have been annoyed by my spouse’s tendency to plan everything, right down to the details. While I prefer some fluidity and can handle a high degree of ambiguity, he needs all the data and facts.

When we talked through it, I realised that it boils down to his need for security and control. Without the information, he feels things are out of control or not planned well. After I understood this, we were able to sidestep unnecessary arguments and tension, and focus on meeting each other’s needs.

3. Praise your partner for effort

Encourage your spouse when he or she tries something new or challenging. Try not to focus on the results alone. For example, if you’ve been asking your husband to help with cooking a meal, don’t put him down the first time he tries; this will stamp out his motivation. Instead, let him know that you see (and appreciate) his effort to show love in this novel way.

If your wife tries out a game that you love to play, give her space, patience and affirmation to reach your level. Your guidance and the time together will make the relationship grow in new ways too.

4. Focus on your own lane

Sometimes social media can feed our feelings of envy and jealousy. Pictures of exotic family vacations, or frequent expensive dinners and gifts that others enjoy can trigger feelings of discontent in your marriage.

We should become aware of how certain media, people or environments make us feel, then be vigilant to allow into our minds only what is good for ourselves and marriage, and what helps us feel grateful for what we have.

5. Transitions can offer opportunities for growth too

A new baby, a new home, a business investment, or a change in career—sometimes big changes make us feel stressed out and uneasy, and we may take it out on the ones dearest to us.

They may bring stress, but change also carries opportunities for us to clarify our thoughts, feelings, even our values; more importantly, it lets us seek our spouse’s support. So choose to lean closer, and not pull away due to tensions or stress.

With the growth mindset, we can focus on developing the positive qualities that cause the relationship to flourish.

What growth mindset in love looks like

When we apply the fixed mindset to love, it seems like life should reflect what we see in movies: Love is easy, perfect, and simply “meant to be”.

Nothing could be further from the truth. Ask any couple who have clocked over 10 years in marriage what their secret is, and the answer will likely be: pure hard work.

Perhaps the best thing we can do for our marriage is to decide that we will do whatever it takes to make it work.

When we look back on our past, do we see that we have changed too? Sometimes for the better, sometimes in not so good ways. But it shows us that if we can change, our spouse can change too. With the growth mindset, we can focus on developing the positive qualities—both within ourselves and in each other—that cause the relationship to flourish.

Let’s remember that you’re on the same side, and you’re walking this journey together. Tempers will flare and someone will be annoyed from time to time, but as long as we continue to work on our weaknesses and improve ourselves for our spouse, we will experience the grace and strength to keep going.

Take action:

  • Choose a growth mindset tip and apply it to your relationship this week.

What Teens Really Want From Their Parents

Adolescence, with its associated issues and angst, has baffled parents from generation to generation. You can almost hear them asking: What exactly does my teen want, and how do I maintain my relationship with them?

Recently 4 teens went on CNA938 to share with Susan Ng what teens really want from their parents, and how parents can bridge the communication gap with them.

‘More independence and space to make mistakes please’

Most teens want independence, but what does this look like?

17-year-old Nicole recalled adapting to a very different environment and culture when she started her polytechnic studies. “I think initially, you really want to be your own person and just do whatever you want without your parents controlling.”

At 14, Zoe felt that life now is “in an awkward zone when you’re expected to behave like an adult but you’re treated like a kid.”

While she craves independence to juggle her different responsibilities, it does not mean she wants to be left completely alone.

She confessed, “It’s not like I have my whole life figured out. I definitely need my parents’ help because they have gone through so many experiences, and made so many mistakes and learnt from them.”

That said, Zoe thinks parents can give teens some space in areas where they are more aware of what they are doing.

“I think they can have some freedom to actually make their own decisions as we all have to go through certain experiences to learn. If we make a mistake, we’ll learn not to do it again,” she added.

While she craves independence, it does not mean she wants to be left completely alone.

Okay, we get it. Teens just want more independence and space. But often parents want to know that their teens are safe, and be informed of what they’re doing or who they’re hanging out with.

Parents want to keep the communication lines open but at times it seems like the teen is retreating and distant.

So how do we begin to bridge the gap?

1. Start slow with us

Inspired by a Pinterest post, Zoe shared this quote with those tuned in, “Don’t discourage your children just because they are making a change.”

If your teen has grown distant, and one day he or she starts to open up to you, don’t respond with sarcastic remarks like, “Oh, you’re finally telling me all this” or “Wow, you’ve come out of your cave”. Offer a listening ear and empathetic comments like, “Oh, that sounds tough” or “I think you gave your best”.

For Nicole, what works for her is to open up the conversation during meal-time. She mused, “As a family, we treasure our dinners very much because that’s when we can have ‘together time’ and have those conversations that are important to us.”

Another 14-year-old, Jillian, also suggests starting slow. Make small conversations often, beginning with questions that are safe and neutral, such as “How’s your day?” or “What have you been working on at school lately?”

Don’t discourage your children just because they are making a change.

2. Let us know you’ll be there for us

Even when our teens seem distant and quiet, they like to know that somebody is looking out for them and will always be there if they need help.

Zoe confided, “I might not want to share what’s bothering me, maybe I’m not ready yet. But it feels good to know that my parents are there for me. It’s like an assurance that I’m not alone in this problem.”

For Jillian, knowing her parents are available to talk about her worries at the end of the day is very comforting. Decompressing together makes her feel safe in their relationship. Such moments help build the emotional connection between parent and teen.

“Even though my parents may not have gone through the exact same thing, they can still relate to what’s going on.”

Sometimes it gets overwhelming, and we really don’t need you to shoot us down. We only hope that you’ll try to understand our struggles.

3. Empathise and don’t judge

When our teens approach us with a problem, it’s vital that we listen first, withholding judgement or reacting quickly and emotionally.

Zoe shared, “Accept us for our problems and flaws, and don’t underestimate the issue just because we are kids. As teenagers, life can feel pretty crazy, with homework, sports training and other responsibilities.

“Sometimes it gets overwhelming, and we really don’t need you to shoot us down. We only hope that you’ll try to understand our struggles and points of view.”

4. Tell us we are loved

It can be hard to express love to a teen, what with their sometimes erratic and difficult-to-read behaviour. But it doesn’t mean we stop trying to say “I love you”.

16-year-old Sean said, “Sometimes friendships don’t go well, and school is stressful. At times, I feel that there’s nobody here for me. Then I remember that, oh yeah my parents are always there for me. They always tell me they love me, so okay I’m not alone.”

For Zoe, that feeling of being loved in spite of her mistakes and blunders is hard to describe. The assurance of her parents’ love reminds her that they trust and believe in her, and it can carry her through some of the hard days.

So parents, don’t hold back the “I love you” even if it seems awkward. Look for opportunities to keep that door of communication open, and to find ways to express your love and admiration for your teen.

Connection with our teenagers is established with a million little steps, and we only fail when we stop trying.

© 2019 Focus on the Family Singapore. All rights reserved.

Top Conflict Triggers in Marriage and How to Resolve Them

My wedding – 12 years ago – was one of the most memorable days of my life. I still vividly recall the overwhelming feelings of elation like it was yesterday. The excitement from a wedding can propel most newly-weds into marital bliss for the ensuing few months, at least. However, once the honeymoon period is over and the realities of life set in, those once intense feelings of bliss may fizzle out.

We had our first child a year after we got married and as a result, our marriage relationship underwent a sea-change. From dreamy newly-weds, we morphed into sleep-deprived, barely functioning parents.

Even though we had discussed parenting goals before marriage, actually becoming parents was a totally different ballgame. We found ourselves having to talk through and resolve multiple points of conflicts in our relationship.

Our 12 years as husband and wife has brought about an awareness of the conflicts that we easily, and sometimes, unwittingly trigger as we walk through this journey of life together. I would like to believe that we have learnt (and are still learning) to navigate our differences, appreciate the complexities of each other’s personalities and create a loving home life that looks beyond being just functional.

Our 12 years as husband and wife has brought about an awareness of the conflicts that we easily, and sometimes unwittingly trigger.

Chores

A conflict trigger that appeared fairly early into our marriage – even before the children arrived – involved how chores around the house would be divided and the expectations we both had.

From the onset, my husband and I agreed that I would do the cooking and he would do the washing up but we didn’t consider that we would have different points of view with regards to even the most basic of these chores. When it comes to dishes, I like to do them right away. My husband, on the other hand, likes to do them later.

In the beginning, every time I walked past a sink full of dirty dishes, I cringed but would keep silent because I wanted to appear as the gracious, understanding wife. I soon realised that not addressing the issue only caused my resentment to grow.

Thankfully, we’ve discovered that our conflict about household chores was easily resolved by honestly sharing our expectations of each other. My husband was unaware of my irritation over a sink of dirty dishes and I realised that he was not intentionally leaving those dishes unwashed. I made it a point to trust that he was putting in his best effort to get the chores done while he made it a point to get his portion done as soon as he remembered them.

Parenting

My husband and I grew up in very different family environments. He came from a Chinese-Eurasian family and spent his formative years overseas, while I grew up in a strict Chinese-Peranakan family.

These differences came into play especially after we had children. We have disagreed on multiple occasions, ranging from disciplinary strategies and childcare arrangements, to even nutrition!

Over the years, we’ve learnt that resolving conflicts over parenting is best done without the children present. This is not always easy especially when you are in the heat of the moment and want to work out an issue then and there. Whenever possible, we try our best to hold off resolving our conflict until the children are out of earshot.

Resolving conflicts over parenting is best done without the children present.

Money

When it comes to finances, my husband and I are still a work-in-progress. In the last few years, however, we have learnt that discussions over finance work best for us when we deliberately schedule an appointment with each other. We usually do this after the children have gone to bed.

Setting aside a specific time to discuss decisions and issues concerning money helps us stick to the plan and reduces the temptation of talking about more light-hearted matters. It allows us to share our expectations, concerns and values openly with each other. We have also used this time to discuss important life decisions (for example, career choices) together.

Although these are the top three stickiest issues for us, and perhaps for many couples out there, at the end of the day, we need to understand that marriage is a journey of a lifetime.

Every year together brings new and exciting discoveries about our spouse. We can use these as opportunities to appreciate each other better. When we begin to see each other as a tag-team and work towards resolving conflict as honestly and lovingly as we can, our marriage relationship is strengthened and we find ourselves in a better position to create a safe, secure and loving home environment for our children to grow up in.

This article was written by Sue-Ann Lee. 

Life is a journey, and we want to walk with you. In need of a listening ear? Come speak to our qualified counsellors today.

4 Games to Help Kids Manage Big Emotions

THIS ARTICLE INCLUDES A FREE PRINTABLE. 

My eldest son morphed into the Incredible Hulk overnight when he turned 6 years old. Meltdowns took on epic proportions, with cane breaking, furniture throwing, yelling and bashing.

What happened to my sweet, mild-mannered, doe-eyed son? Where did these raging emotions come from?

Teaching our children how to manage their emotions is not just necessary for their survival (and our sanity). Research suggests that emotional intelligence (EQ) is twice as strong a predictor of later success as IQ. Being aware of, understanding, and being able to manage emotions are all part of growing our children’s emotional intelligence.

Research suggests that emotional intelligence is twice as strong a predictor of later success as IQ.

Through a difficult process of trial and error and with the help of books, games, conversations with friends and professionals, my son and I are learning how to deal with his emotional outbursts.

Here are 4 activities that have been helpful to us in this journey – suitable for children aged 2 to 10.

Download PDF now (3.14 MB)

#1: How are you feeling?

Aim: Help your child identify his emotions

This activity involves pasting feeling faces on wooden blocks. It is designed to help your child reflect on their feelings through play.

What You Need:

  1. Plain wooden blocks
  2. Blue tack
  3. Feeling faces print-outs (Google “feeling faces printable”)

How to Play:

  1. Get your child to cut out the feeling faces and stick each face on a wooden block. (Older kids can print out plain emoji outlines and draw their own emojis.)
  2. Ask these questions as they are carrying out their activity: What made the block feel that way? What sorts of things might make you feel that way? Tell me about a time you felt that way.
  3. Continue doing this until you have a few emotions covered. Be sure to include both positive and negative emotions.

Recommended read: My Many Coloured Days by Dr Seuss, and My Mixed Emotions by Elinor Greenwood

#2: Disappearing Bubbles

Aim: Help your child understand that his feelings are temporary

We need to help our children understand that their emotions, like the passing rain, can and will pass.

It’s important that kids learn to understand their feelings, but it’s also true that feelings need to be recognised for what they are: temporary. Research shows that on average, an emotion comes and goes within ninety seconds. A child’s heightened emotions and parental pressure to get rid of the emotion can cause him to feel overwhelmed and stuck. We need to help our children understand that their emotions, like the passing rain, can and will pass. They won’t feel sad, angry, hurt or lonely forever.

What You Need:

  1. A bottle of bubbles

How to Play:

  1. Explain to your child that their feelings and thoughts are a bit like bubbles.
  2. Blow some bubbles – point out how some bubbles are big and some are small – just like how feelings can be big or small, happy or sad. Highlight that just like bubbles, our feelings don’t last forever.
  3. Ask your child to blow some “happy” bubbles. Get your child to talk about what makes him happy. Next, get him to try to stop the “happy” bubbles from popping. Have fun with this: your child can try to catch the bubbles in his hands or try to have a bubble land on his head!
  4. Comment on how some bubbles seem to last longer than others. Share times when you, as a parent, have felt happy either briefly or for a longer time. Reiterate that feelings don’t last forever.
  5. Repeat this process with other feelings, such as anger, sadness or worry. You may find your child wants to pop these bubbles quickly. It is helpful to respond by allowing him to do so. You may also talk about how such feelings often cause discomfort.

This activity can also be used to practise taking deep breaths. Teach them that taking deep breaths help to calm our bodies down when we get angry or anxious.

Recommended read: When Sophie Gets Angry by Molly Bang

#3: Feelings Temperature Check

Aim: Teach your child that there is a range of feelings

Research shows that merely assigning a name or label to what we feel literally calms down the activity of the emotional circuitry in the right hemisphere of our brains.

Children are used to taking temperature checks in schools and at the doctor’s. How about a feelings temperature check? A feelings thermometer is a visual scaling technique used to help children to recognise the different intensities of an emotion. This is useful as both children and parents can begin to notice when they are starting to become upset or angry.

Research shows that merely assigning a name or label to what we feel literally calms down the activity of the emotional circuitry in the right hemisphere of our brains. It further provides us with the opportunity to implement strategies before our feelings escalate and become more difficult to manage.

What You Need:

  1. A printed picture of a thermometer (Google “feelings thermometer template”)
  2. Coloured pencils and markers

How to Play:

  1. Talk with your child about how an actual thermometer works.
  2. Divide the thermometer into 4 sections. Add words to the thermometer. You may wish to use the following scales: calm, annoyed, angry, furious or calm, nervous, anxious, agitated.
  3. Draw faces to depict different levels of feelings and colour different sections in (use appropriate colours, such as blue for calm and red for furious). Talk about recent experiences and which level of the thermometer they would have been at.
  4. Discuss how easy or hard it is for them to calm down at the different levels and where on the thermometer is the best place for them to use strategies to calm down. (Generally this falls within the middle to calm range.)
  5. With older kids, you can discuss how they feel at the highest level on the thermometer – what they have noticed in their body, thoughts, feelings and behaviour.

We can also apply the feelings thermometer to ourselves and share what helped us to stay calm when things don’t go well. You may wish to use the thermometer daily to monitor how your child is coping and to find out what strategies are working.

#4: Memory Matching

Aim: Empower children to make mistakes and learn from them

One of the greatest gifts we can give our children is the ability to think rightly about their failures. Instead of responding to mistakes with “I feel dumb”, they need to learn to view these as opportunities for growth.

What you need:

  1. A set of memory matching cards

How to Play:

  1. Shuffle and spread all cards out on a flat surface, face down.
  2. Players take turns to choose any two cards. Make a successful match and leave it face up on the table.
  3. When the cards don’t match, turn the cards back and say the words, “Oops, I made a mistake. I can learn from that,” or “Oops, I made a mistake, I can try again.”

By saying the above phrases over and over in the game, our children are learning a new pattern of thinking. This makes it easier for them to use those statements in real life.

Recommended read: The Most Magnificent Thing by Ashley Spires

This article was written by Sue-Anne Wu. Sue-Anne is a coffee lover and nature seeker. An avid reader, books are her lifeline in the choppy waters of life, marriage and parenting. She lives with 4 rambunctious boys aged 3, 6, 8 and 38.

These games are adapted from Creative Ways to Help Children Manage Big Feelings by Dr Fiona Zandt and Dr Suzanne Barretand, and Motivate Your Child by Dr Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller.