Resource Type: Articles

How Can Mums Support Girls Through Puberty?

Primary Years (7-9 Years)

Preparing for puberty 

Puberty for girls typically starts around 11 or 12 years old. It is, however, not uncommon for girls to start puberty earlier at 9 or 10 years old.  

Start the talk about puberty early to prepare her for the upcoming changes. This will allow her to anticipate the changes ahead instead of being caught by surprise when she gets her first period.  

Providing information in a factual and natural manner through on-going talks can ease her anxiety about puberty and accept that it is a natural (and healthy!) stage of development. You can talk about how her body will change as she grows from a girl into a young lady. Allow her to ask questions and clarify concerns she may have heard from others.  

Your daughter may worry about whether menstruation will be troublesome, uncomfortable, and painful. You could help reframe her thoughts about this so she feels more positively about such changes. Share about the wonders of how her body is developing and preparing her for womanhood, opening up the possibility of motherhood in the future. Keep an encouraging tone as your attitude will influence how comfortable she is about her body.  

A practical way to get your daughter ready for puberty is shopping for training bras and period underwear. The appearance of breast buds is the first sign before the start of menstruation. She may feel shy or awkward at first but explain that this is a rite of passage and that it is completely normal to feel these emotions.  

Tween Years (10-12 Years) 

Changes to expect at puberty 

At puberty, girls will develop breasts, grow hair under their arms and on their legs, shoot up in height and experience their first period. Other physical changes that may be noticeable at puberty are oily skin, pimples on the face, wider hips and body odour.  

Before your child experiences her first period, be sure she has a supply of sanitary pads or tampons at hand. Talk to her about how to use them, how often to change them and to pack them in her bag so she is prepared.  

Avoid scaring her about cramps or mood swings and teach her there is nothing to be embarrassed about periods. Teach her to take care of her personal hygiene that includes using a face wash, pimple cream, and deodorant.  

Managing emotional changes   

During puberty, another noticeable change in girls is mood swings. Your daughter may find it very confusing and irrational to swing from being happy one moment, then sad the next.  

Be patient with her and assure her that it is due in part to her brain development at puberty. As a teen’s prefrontal cortex is still developing, your daughter will rely more on her amygdala, a part of the brain associated with emotions and impulses.  

You can remind your daughter that while she may experience moodiness, it is not an excuse to be rude or unkind in her words and behaviour. Teach her to build her self-awareness and take charge of her feelings with practical tips like breathing exercises, listening to music, taking a shower, or going for a walk. Bear in mind the tween stage is also when environmental stress starts to build up with greater academic pressure on the school front. Assure her that you are there for her to give support without any judgement.  

Teen Years (13-15 years) 

Different teens may experience puberty earlier or later. If your daughter has not started puberty, put her mind at ease by reminding her that everyone is unique.  

This is a fitting time to start talking to your daughter about identity, self-esteem and self-worth as teenage girls may become more conscious of their appearance and weight. This could be exacerbated if she is already exposed to social media messages that glamourise beauty and popularity.  

For mothers, building a healthy body image for our teens may start with accepting and embracing our own body. Often, children catch what we say rather than what we teach. Let your daughter hear you compliment other women for their virtues instead of appearance. Point out her character strengths that are beyond skin deep and that may go unnoticed. These messages will remind her that self-confidence comes from within and she is so much more than how she looks.  

In the teenage phase, your child may start to have feelings of attraction for the opposite sex. Have talks with her on how to develop healthy friendships and how to set appropriate boundaries. Keep these talks light-hearted and give her opportunities to share her views.  

With your loving guidance and support, puberty will no longer be a scary or confusing time for your teen! 

Conversations About Sex Need Not Be So Tough

Research shows that when parents engage their children in topics on sexuality, their children grow to make wiser choices in relationships and sex. To help you overcome your fears in broaching the topic, we have designed a Talk About Sex video series specially for parent and child (aged 7-12) to enjoy, engage with and learn together!
Find out more

How Far Is Too Far?

Tween Years (10-12)

Every child is different, so while some children at this age might find physical intimacy between male and female disgusting, others may be drawn to it. Talk to your child about physical intimacy in the context of a loving relationship – how a man and a woman express romantic love by physical closeness and contact. The deeper the relationship, the greater such physical contact is. Whether your children are used to seeing you and your spouse showing physical affections in front of them or not, openly share that couples do kiss, cuddle and enjoy great physical intimacy as part of the relationship between husband and wife. If you find that your child enjoys physical affection and likes expressing their affection physically, give them lots of that too so that they do not need to seek it elsewhere.   

The tween years are when they can start to develop crushes on friends of the opposite sex, or on celebrities. With the latter, they can get exposed to “less kiddy” lifestyles through shows and media featuring their idols.  

As far as possible, be aware of shows and videos your child is watching, so that you can use them as conversation topics. You may want to stress that screen life is not real life so they do not subconsciously adopt behaviours or mindsets contrary to your family’s values. This also help them grow in awareness about media influence since they may sub-consciously mimic trends, attitudes and even behaviours towards boy-girl relationships. 

You can pick up teaching moments when you watch shows together; for example, when characters fall in love through a prolonged gaze on screen, ask your child if they think that’s how people fall in love in real life. Teach them about physical boundaries in any relationship, even for a romantic one, and walk through with them on what to do when they encounter unwanted physical contact.

Teen & Late Teen Years (13-19) 

Your teen is likely to already have peers who are in romantic relationships. Being liked is a big deal at this age as they explore and define their identities. So help them build their self-image and worth on their values and character, not on appearances and what they have or have not, i.e. a boyfriend, the newest gadget, or a certain weight.  

In their early teen years, start the conversation on when they can have a boyfriend or girlfriend. As they grow, you can expand the topic to what they think is appropriate physical boundaries for a couple. When mapping these boundaries, you probably want to list behaviours like kissing on the cheek, kissing on lips, French kissing, touching above clothes, under clothes, mutual sex play and sexual intercourse. The key to note is that sexual feeling increases with physical intimacy and when couples start to make out, it can be very hard to stop. Research shows that sexual arousal turns off certain parts of the brain that controls reasoning and self-control. Things can easily go out of control and you might find yourself in a position which you do not want to be in.  

Some questions to ask are: 

  • Is sleeping together on the same bed with your boyfriend/girlfriend okay? 
  • Will it set you up to be in a situation you rather not be in? 
  • What do you think of sexting, or being asked to send a nude? 
  • What if you feel like going further beyond your personal boundaries or your partner starts touching you somewhere you rather they don’t? What do you do? 

Go through probable situations so they know what to do if and when they do happen.  

You – and your teen – may cringe at the thought of mentioning these details but talking about it also helps them think through what sex entails, especially when their image of it may be built on just what is depicted on media.  

Sexual intimacy happens not just on a physical level – there are emotional (your feelings), ethical (values and consequences), social (the way you relate to others) and intellectual (evaluation and making of choices) aspects as well. Oxytocin is released during arousal, therefore there is also an automatic attachment and bonding. This means that even if sex is supposed to be “no strings attached” on an emotional level, attachment happens anyway biologically. Talk deeper with them about the consequences of sex before marriage.  

Sexual activities can have long-term implications. Research actually shows that teenage sexual activity is linked to a higher percentage of depression, loss of self-worth and even suicide attempts. Those who refrained from pre-marital sex also reported higher marital satisfaction. You can frame the conversation from the angle of short-term and long-term pros and cons and consequences based on the choices they make.   

At all times, avoid fear or shame in the conversations but do be honest and real. If you suspect, or are told by your child that they may have gone too far, continue to be calm and process the situation with them. Assure them of your love and ask them how they feel and think about the situation and how they would like you to support them. Continue to be a safe space for them and help them build a healthy understanding of sexuality and to know how to make wise decisions for their long-term welfare.  

Conversations About Sex Need Not Be So Tough

Research shows that when parents engage their children in topics on sexuality, their children grow to make wiser choices in relationships and sex. To help you overcome your fears in broaching the topic, we have designed a Talk About Sex video series specially for parent and child (aged 7-12) to enjoy, engage with and learn together!
Find out more

What Are Values and How Do They Affect Me?

Tween Years (10-12 Years)

Values are belief systems held by a person or even by a family or even corporately by larger groups like a school, company or culture. In fact, in your school hall, you may even see your school’s values on the walls, encompassing traits like “honesty”, “kindness” and so on. 
 
Ethics is another word that you may hear when talking about values. Both refer to the belief system we have internally that affects what we do externally.  
 
Generally, we tend to adopt the value systems of our family of origin. However, our personal beliefs can also be shaped by values held by our peers, or the community we are a part of.  
 
As you grow older and the sources of influence in your life expands, you may also find your values challenged when you meet people with opposing values. If these people are important to you, feelings of confusion or tension may arise. It may also be tempting to adopt their values. 
 
But why are values so important?

Teen Years (13-15 Years) 

Think of the smartphone or laptop you are using right now to read this article.  
 
Beneath the surface of your device, there’s a complex system of microchips, wires, batteries and motherboard designed to power your device and make it work.  
 
No one sees them but they are there.  
 
Without them, even if you have the laptop casing or phone casing, it won’t work.  
 
Values are like that internal system of intricate wiring and hardwire. They determine your perspectives, attitude, and behaviour on the outside.  
 
They may be unseen but they set the course for your life, aiding you in all the big and small decisions, from simple ones like dressing to complex ones like sexual expression.  
 
They can guide what you choose to view or do on your devices. They also likely influence your choice of friends and even romantic partners in the future.   
 
Besides being that internal engine, values are also like anchors.  
 
They keep you rooted to something when you experience new places, new things and even the storms of life.  
 
Without strong values and committed beliefs, your life may begin to look like a ship that is adrift, easily swayed by external factors or others who have strong opinions. Without values, your emotions can also become an unpredictable leader.

Late Teens (16-19 Years)

What do you believe is right or wrong? What do you do if the values of others clash with your own? What if your boyfriend or girlfriend has different values regarding sex and sexuality?  
 
These are hard questions for everyone. But remember, your values act like landmarks and signposts to help you navigate life’s ups and downs.  
 
Managing strong feelings can be hard. However, it is not impossible and very often, working through challenges and struggles can help you strengthen your values and your character.   
 
Your values will also help you set healthy boundaries around you so you make choices to be open to some people and closed to others.  
 
They will also help you decide which friends you want to keep close and which to let go.  
 
If you are not sure what your own values are, why not take time to think about it and write down a few? 
 
You can start by thinking about what you value and why. Then expand that to how that value can be expressed and even its boundaries, e.g., Integrity, expressed in my words and actions. I would not like my close friends and family to lie to me. A simple way of charting this out is to draw a simple table with three columns and put as headers for each column – Value, Expression, Boundaries. 
 
Over time, you may find yourself returning to these “value statements” to keep adding on or refining their expression and boundaries. 

Conversations About Sex Need Not Be So Tough

Research shows that when parents engage their children in topics on sexuality, their children grow to make wiser choices in relationships and sex. To help you overcome your fears in broaching the topic, we have designed a Talk About Sex video series specially for parent and child (aged 7-12) to enjoy, engage with and learn together!
Find out more

Should I Follow My Feelings?

Tween Years (10-12)

Ever seen a toddler smack another because they were upset? Or snatch a toy because they also wanted it? How did the adults around them respond? We would explain that the behaviour was wrong and teach them not to take action simply based on their feeling a certain way.  
 
As you enter your teen years, you too may find yourself experiencing strong emotions. These may sometimes include unfamiliar emotions like romantic crushes.   
 
Following these feelings may be like behaving like a toddler who lashes out on impulse.  
 
Maturity then comes when you learn how not to be controlled by your feelings. Think of it as inserting a pause between how you feel and how you act.  
 
Our feelings are often indicators of something deeper going on inside. The child who snatched the toy could have been experiencing jealousy and envy. But at that age, children may not understand such complex emotions.  
 
Some useful questions to ask yourself when you experience strong emotions include: Why do I feel this way? What am I upset about?  
 
The pause you insert between your feelings and your actions can protect you from being swept away by emotions and acting in ways you may regret after.

Teen Years (13-15) 

Feelings are like signposts of our inner well-being. They help tell you if you are doing well or not quite. When you are not doing well inside, it’s unlikely you will experience positive emotions. So if we follow our feelings blindly, we may end up hurting ourselves or the people around us.  
 
Developing self-awareness is about learning to recognise why you feel the way you do, and acting on the cause, not just the feeling itself. 
 
It’s like a spider and its webs. If one day, you find your room full of cobwebs, you will clean the cobwebs but if you don’t find the spider, the cobwebs will be back.  
 
Acting on your feelings without first understanding the cause is like dealing with the cobwebs and not the spider.  
 
The cobwebs are the feelings. The spider is the actual problem or reason behind those feelings.  
 
Our feelings can point us to the problem and move us to seek help. But being able to identify the root causes and needs behind those feelings is a crucial step towards getting out of a rut.

Late Teens (16-19)

What you feel may be real, but is it true?  

For example, in the heat of jealousy, that toddler may have felt that the other child is preferred because he has the toy. Or the toddler may have felt unloved because he wanted the toy but didn’t have it.  

The feelings are real. But they may not be based on truth.  

So even though we value our emotions for acting as signposts to our inner world, we do have to acknowledge that feelings are poor leaders. We have to learn to lead our feelings.  

Self-regulation is a great way to do this. 

When experiencing strong emotions, practise taking a pause before you respond. A common trick many people use is to count to a certain number. This shifts your attention away from the difficult emotion, and provides a space to calm down to focus on the facts instead.  

You can also remind yourself of simple truths to “ground” you. Depending on the scenario, these could be: 

  • “I am in control.”  
  • “I am valued.”  
  • “I don’t need to mirror their response.”  
  • “I won’t take this personally.”  

If you are experiencing conflict or feeling emotionally attacked, you can imagine a shield around you or the person’s words falling to the ground before it touches you.  

These reminders can be powerful anchors in times of distress. 

Managing strong feelings can be hard. If you are experiencing consistent, difficult feelings about a person or a recurring situation, do speak to a trusted friend or family member. This person should be able to add perspective and lend strength to you.

Conversations About Sex Need Not Be So Tough

Research shows that when parents engage their children in topics on sexuality, their children grow to make wiser choices in relationships and sex. To help you overcome your fears in broaching the topic, we have designed a Talk About Sex video series specially for parent and child (aged 7-12) to enjoy, engage with and learn together!
Find out more

How Do I Relate to My Friend Who Identifies As LGBTQ?

Tween Years (10-12 Years)

The big question to understand first is, what is LGBTQ?  
 
Speak to adults you know and trust about anything you are unsure of. Seeking advice from your parent or trusted caregiver means that you know for sure this person has your best interests in heart.   

So don’t just google for answers! Remember the internet is made up of many sources of information with different opinions. Many of these are opinions, not factual information from experts. Some of them may also be biased because they want to convince you to take a certain viewpoint.  

If you sense that your friend may see you as more than a friend, it may make you feel awkward.  
 
A helpful tip to remember that you have a choice when it comes to dealing with unwanted crushes and affections from anyone in the same way. Regardless of the sex of the person, you should feel safe enough to voice how you feel and if need be, put distance between you and your friend.  
 
But just like how it would not make sense to speculate over crushes unless the other party has announced their intentions, it is unnecessary to worry about a scenario that has not materialised.  
 
You can remain friends and even ask questions like “What are the reasons behind your identifying as LGBTQ?” if they are comfortable talking about this.

Teen Years (13-15 Years) 

It is natural for good friends to ask questions about each other’s convictions and behaviours. After all, that’s what you do when you are trying to understand any new topics or differing opinions.  
 
Just because you ask someone why they think they are LGBTQ does not mean you are being bigoted or judgmental, if you are genuinely interested in understanding more about your friend.  
 
Discussions that enhance connection stem from a sincere desire to understand the other better, so be clear of your own intentions.  
 
Understanding means empathy and a sincere desire to know someone better and see their views as valuable. But it doesn’t always need to result in agreement.  
 
You may find it hard to express your own opinions in the face of strongly opposing views but remember, you are not trying to win a debate. Your opinion is equally valuable.  
 
If you feel uncomfortable with where a conversation is headed – whether in topic or tone – it is also perfectly okay to say you would rather talk about something else. 

Emerging Years (16-19 Years)

Does loving someone mean accepting their beliefs even when they clash with yours? We have many friends and family whom we love, each of them with differing beliefs. If loving them means we have to adopt all of their beliefs, it can get pretty confusing.  
 
Loving someone does not mean you have to agree with everything they believe or do. 

What makes a good friend? Someone kind and caring? A good listener who seems to understand you? How about someone with the same hobbies so you can spend time together on shared interests?  
 
Would you expect your good friend to change their convictions to follow all of yours? No, that is not a usual ingredient for friendship.   
 
In our teenage years, we often look for something bigger than ourselves as we work out our own inner convictions and how to express them externally. This is part of the identity–forging process.  
 
What makes up our identity? There are many factors, such as our biological sex, our family of origin, upbringing, past experiences and more. While sexual orientation can also be a factor of how people view themselves, it need not be the biggest defining factor. 
 
A person is infinitely more than their sexual orientation. If we care about the people dear to us, we should see beyond their sexual orientation too.   
 
As a friend, you may want to bring up some common teenage relationship concerns like physical boundaries, sexual consent, and sexual boundaries within relationships to help your friend think about what is acceptable for them.

Conversations About Sex Need Not Be So Tough

Research shows that when parents engage their children in topics on sexuality, their children grow to make wiser choices in relationships and sex. To help you overcome your fears in broaching the topic, we have designed a Talk About Sex video series specially for parent and child (aged 7-12) to enjoy, engage with and learn together!
Find out more

What Do I Do If My Child Identifies as LGBT?

Tween Years (10-12 Years)

The tween years is a period of remarkable growth in every way – Physically, emotionally, mentally and even socially. As your tweens hit puberty, you may find yourself surprised not just by their height but by their emotional outbursts and interest in new subject matters. This is all part of a period of intense growth and discovery, as they learn more about the world and decide what they are passionate about as individuals.  
 
By this age, you may have already explained where babies come from, how does a girl get pregnant and touched on boy–girl relationships.   
 
If you have not shared your family values and beliefs on love and relationships with your tween, this is a good time to do so. One possible way is to use scenes that you may come across in the media to talk about it, so you can help them connect their internal values with external behaviour.  
 
It is important to remember that you have great influence over your child. So if they come to you with statements expressing their confusion over their gender identity, it’s good to stay calm and ask questions to help you understand where these thoughts are coming from.  
 
Explain what romantic attraction is: A desire to be physically close with someone and not just liking someone and wanting them to like you. Share with them that sometimes in growing up, we may greatly admire someone of the same gender, and that is not the same as romantic attraction. 
 
Help ask thinking questions – How do you want them to like you? What activities do you hope to do with this person? Is this someone you see yourself dating or marrying in future?   
 
Some of these questions may seem “heavy” to a tween and you don’t need to overly dwell on them but they can help your child understand the difference between a crush and serious attraction.  
 
We are all social beings and influenced by many sources including friendships and media consumption. If you don’t already know what your child is watching or their favourite celebrities, it may be good to find out.

Teen Years (13-15 Years) 

In their early teens, our kids are gaining further independence and part of this growth involves figuring out their own personal convictions on family values.  
 
Topics to have by this stage include: when they can have a boyfriend or girlfriend, physical boundaries and sexual boundaries within relationships. 
 
Romantic feelings open up a whole new (and at times, confusing) world for your child. Your constant love and care – not conditional upon grades, behaviour or even sexuality – is a grounding influence. Keep seeking opportunities to keep the parent-child connection strong. 
  
Keep an open door with your teen about all topics and matters. If your child brings up questions or even announces they have an alternative sexual orientation, remember to stay loving and unfazed.  
 
A parent’s love is stronger than their children’s choices. Loving someone doesn’t mean accepting all their choices. A difference in opinions cannot negate love that is established on a strong foundation of trust and openness.  
 
Be honest in your conversations with your teen, ask thinking questions, while also making your stand clear. Reassure them on how your love for them remains unchanged.  
 
In sharing your own emotions, be frank but not judgmental. Use “I” statements such as, “I feel worried” instead of “you are worrying me”.  
 
Set boundaries for safety without fearmongering. You may also want to factually explain the repercussions of big decisions like this and ask your teen to give him or herself time to evaluate how they feel. It may be helpful to set regular check-in times but make it clear that it’s an ongoing conversation you are happy to have.

Emerging Years (16-19 Years)

As our children reach their late teens and grow into independent young adults, our role becomes more like coaches or guides. However, that doesn’t mean we take a hands-off approach. On the contrary, we become more intentional in nurturing the connection with our teens.  
 
Staying interested in their world, wanting to meet their romantic interests, weighing in on decision making processes and yet respecting your teen’s wishes… all this can feel like a huge balancing act!  
 
Some topics to cover include: sexual abuse and sexual consent. 
 
When you and your teen disagree on a topic, it is important to be the one who reaches out in love. Try not to shut your teen down out of fear; rather, practise non-judgmental listening. The ability to toss around different ideas and explore pros and cons, while maintaining mutual respect, can help you empower your teen to make good decisions.  

Conversations About Sex Need Not Be So Tough

Research shows that when parents engage their children in topics on sexuality, their children grow to make wiser choices in relationships and sex. To help you overcome your fears in broaching the topic, we have designed a Talk About Sex video series specially for parent and child (aged 7-12) to enjoy, engage with and learn together!
Find out more

How Do I Know If My Crush Really Likes Me?

Primary Years (7-9 Years)

Crushes are normal. But what exactly is a crush? A crush is a fleeting liking for a member of the opposite sex that goes beyond just liking him or her as a friend. You may want to see them more often, or write them little notes or give small snacks.   
 
Crushes at this stage usually develops quickly and fades. They tend to be short.  
 
In primary school, such feelings may come and go as you make new friends and your social circle expands. Since everyone comes from a different family with different cultural norms and expectations, friends may tease you when they sense you like somebody.  
 
You may feel embarrassed but also drawn to the idea of being someone’s boyfriend or girlfriend. That’s natural since we all want to be liked and in relationships where we feel loved.  
 
Besides Boy-Girl-Relationships (BGR), we need to remember that we also feel loved in other relationships, like parent-child relationships, sibling-hood and also good friendships. All these, especially familial ties, tend to be relationships that will stand the test of time and continue well into the future.  
 
So if you are getting teased about BGR or if you are having unfamiliar feelings about someone at school, you can always consider talking to your family about it. They do have the benefit of experience so when they give you advice, it’s based on what they have learnt and walked through themselves! 

Tween Years (10-12 Years) 

How do you know if someone really likes you? Everyone communicates feelings differently. Someone shy may avoid interaction while someone with a more outgoing personality may decide to engage in more interaction.  
 
Instead of trying to guess the intention behind another person’s actions, the best thing to do is to not overthink. Overthinking causes you to read into every interaction. When that happens, it’s like putting on a pair of magnifying glass as spectacles… everything you see is magnified and this may not always be good!   
 
In a crush, the feelings normally fade away after a while as you choose not to focus on it. Another sign of whether it is a crush – Infatuation usually values aspects we can observe easily from the outside, e.g., good looks or talents.  
 
If the other party is obviously declaring they have a special interest in you, e.g., admitting they like you, sending you gifts or letters or overt actions along this line, it’s better to try to take a step back and relate to this person as a regular friend first. Don’t build up a relationship in your head… it could be only an illusion.  
 
Every great relationship is built on a strong friendship so focus on being a friend. A good friend is someone we can trust, be honest with, laugh with, and who has our interests at heart. 
 
You can also have the talk with your parents on when you can have a boyfriend or girlfriend.

Teen Years (13-15 Years)

At this age, some of your friends may be in romantic relationships and you may feel some peer pressure to be in one. However, the best thing you can do is not to get in one just to be in one!  
 
Romantic relationships are special and it’s special because it’s with a great person who reciprocates. So if you are not sure if your feelings are reciprocated in the same way, it’s good not to commit to a relationship since you will have different expectations.   
 
When you are unsure if the other person feels the same way, it’s always good to hold on and hold off. 
 
Unless you want to confront them and ask them about their feelings, there is probably no way to avoid the “unknown” stage of a relationship.  
 
But because this stage is ambiguous, you probably don’t want to obsess over it. Choosing to take a step back helps you avoid emotionally committing yourself especially since the romantic relationship you will like to have actually does not exist yet! 

It is also a good time to assess if the feelings are based on outward traits like appearances and gifts rather than inward traits like strength of character and values.  
 
If a person really likes you, as long as you remain your usual friendly self, you are leaving them space to get to know you. Until they do give a clear signal, put your focus on developing yourself to grow in your full potential and confidence to be uniquely you. 
 
As a teenager, you would probably have seen kissing or other acts of physical affection on screen and maybe even in real life at home, in public spaces or amongst your friends.  
 
It’s good to remember that everyone has different expectations on physical boundaries in a romantic relationship. You can also ask yourself how your family and personal values line up with different expectations in this area and what you personally want.  

 
Remember that you don’t need to be in a romantic relationship to feel valued or loved. Build great friendships and enjoy your family. Think of these as gems you are gathering and one day when you are in a great romantic relationship, you can also share these gems with your significant other and both your lives will be enriched.  

Conversations About Sex Need Not Be So Tough

Research shows that when parents engage their children in topics on sexuality, their children grow to make wiser choices in relationships and sex. To help you overcome your fears in broaching the topic, we have designed a Talk About Sex video series specially for parent and child (aged 7-12) to enjoy, engage with and learn together!
Find out more

I Found My Child Masturbating! What Do I Do?

Preschool Years (4-6 Years)

Young children often are not fully aware of how their behaviours may be perceived by others. They may pick their noses or touch their genitals without thinking twice. Avoid shaming or humiliating your child. Their actions are innocent and not sexual in nature as they are experiencing what a self-soothing behaviour feels like.  

Explain that just as picking their nose in public is not something we do, we do not touch our private parts, except when cleaning them in a bath or shower, or at a check-up with a doctor. You can say something like: “Let’s put our hands on our laps where everyone can see them.” 

Children at this age may be curious about their sexuality, Take time to explain how our body parts makes us distinct as a male or female and there are no bad body parts. 

If the self-stimulating urge becomes more frequent, find out why your child is touching himself or herself more often. For some children, it could be arise from the desire for more affection.  Parents can offer alternatives such as ruffling their hair, rubbing their back, holding or hugging them. 

Primary Years (7-9 Years) 

As kids enter school, they become more socially aware of their behaviours. Beginning a conversation now about masturbation tends to be easier because kids are more likely to talk openly.  

Masturbation is sometimes used as self-soothing behaviour for school-age kids, especially if they feel lonely or rejected by classmates. When kids self-soothe in this age group, though, they will begin to hide their behaviour from adults. If we avoid the topic because it is awkward and uncomfortable, guilt and shame may start to build up.  

Conversations with our children about masturbation do not have to be descriptive, but they should not be so vague that kids do not know what is being discussed. Talk about masturbation in a natural tone of voice and explaining simply how certain parts of the body feel good when touched can help parents pave the way for open and honest conversations later. 

You may ask your child a question like: “I see you touching your penis a few times. Can you tell me why you are doing that? How does that make you feel?”  

Avoid condemning messages, such as looking horrified, or yelling things like: “Don’t ever do that!” Punishing a child for masturbating is another form of shaming, as is telling him that masturbation is going to ruin his future sex life, prevent him from having children or other untrue myths as a scare tactic. 

Instead, explain that this kind of pleasurable touch is something husbands and wives can enjoy with each other as an expression of love. 

Tween Years (10-12 Years)

By the time your children reach the tween years, they would have attended sexuality education in school. It is important for parents to unpack what was taught and allow your child to ask questions which they may not have a chance to ask.  

Parents should continue to give their kids a context for what they see or hear at school or in the media. If it feels unnatural to have an official sit-down talk, look for spontaneous conversation opportunities prompted by something seen on television or when your child is entering puberty. 

Explain what masturbation is objectively to your child. Provide him or her factual information that the sensitivity in genital nerve endings is how our bodies are made to enjoy sex, which is reserved for marriage.  

Inform them that they can approach you with questions because there is a lot of misinformation and what they read from the internet may be harmful information. For example, you can ask them, “What do you already know about masturbation?” 

What you say to your tween depends on the strength of your relationship with him or her and your comfort level. If parents are uncomfortable talking about the subject, the child may pick that up and interpret it with guilt or shame. Therefore, it is best that parents practice talking about this subject with each other first. Dads should talk to boys and moms talk to girls. This isn’t a topic just for boys or just for girls. 

Be ready for long silences and embarrassed looks when talking to your tween. Don’t hurry through the uneasiness as something you need to check off. Even if you must continue the conversation another time or are faced with a question you do not know how to answer, assure your child that you will talk about it again and that you will answer any questions he or she has. After all, if we are silent, the only voice our children hear is culture’s voice. 

Adapted from What to do when young kids masturbate by Ann Byle © 2015 All rights reserved. Used with permission from Focus on the Family. 

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Research shows that when parents engage their children in topics on sexuality, their children grow to make wiser choices in relationships and sex. To help you overcome your fears in broaching the topic, we have designed a Talk About Sex video series specially for parent and child (aged 7-12) to enjoy, engage with and learn together!
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What Is Puberty?

Primary Years (7-9 Years)

Puberty is when a child’s body starts developing and changing as they grow into adulthood. Typically, girls reach puberty at around 11 years old and boys do so 1 to 2 years later. However, increasingly, there has been a trend of this age being lowered by 2 to 3 years.

At the lower primary level, you should normalise talks about sex and the difference between boys and girls. You might even have answered questions like where babies come from. As your child mature, they may start being curious about how Daddy and Mummy’s bodies are different from theirs and that is when you could start the conversation on how puberty prepares them to become a Daddy or a Mummy.

An easy way to introduce the talk on puberty is to do it with biological diagrams and explain how the functions of a male and female body are different. You can also talk about how much they have already grown compared to the time when they were toddlers and introduce puberty as simply the next stage in their growth.

Ensure that your kids cherish their body, not just in the form of modesty, but also in appreciating how they look and accepting the way their bodies are. As parents, try to avoid body shaming of any sorts, for example, calling someone fat or commenting on a part of someone’s body in a negative way. Our positive attitude towards the physical body helps set the stage for our children to welcome subsequent changes in puberty.

Tween Years (10-12 Years) 

The earliest signs of puberty is often breast development for girls and enlargement of the testicles for boys. About one or two years after this, they typically approach a period of growth spurt as their bodies start to change to look more womanly or manly.

By 11 or 12, most girls would have started hearing about their classmates’ personal experience of periods. Some boys’ voices might crack as their voice deepens. Other changes from puberty can include pubic hair and more active sweat glands which could cause acne and body odour. For boys, they may encounter wet dreams and you may want to explain such nocturnal emissions the context of how their bodies are now able to produce sperm for reproduction.

Part of the parental guidance at this stage also includes teaching your budding teen about products like training bras, deodorant, sanitary pads, facial wash and pimple cream.

Since everyone’s body is unique, the changes they are going through may be at a different pace from their peers. Be sure to assure them that they are not abnormal and if they are feeling self-conscious about something, do not brush off their feelings but teach them what to do to manage it.

During this stage, the pre-frontal cortex in their brains are growing rapidly. This growth brings about a surge of emotions as the part of the brain associated with emotions and impulse takes the control seat. This is why you may find them getting moody or emotional suddenly without reason. You may want to help them understand that these strong feelings are also a part of their growth. Help them identify what they can do to avoid being carried along by feelings. This can be as simple as Stop, Ask, Pivot, for example, when they realise they are getting very angry over something not going well, to pause and ask why they are feeling furious and then after logical evaluation, to pivot or make a conscious effort to turn away from impulse responses. Emphasize to them that they can always come to you to talk about their feelings and you will not judge them for what they are experiencing.

This will also be a good time for you to start sharing about sexual abuse as they become more aware and conscious about their bodies.

Teen Years (13-15 Years)

By now, your teen is well and truly going through puberty. Puberty can take two to five years to finish and by the time it does, they may well be taller than you! They will also sound different. Both boys and girls will have deeper voices due to enlarged voice boxes. Boys may have developed some facial hair and both genders may have developed underarm hair too.

They may also start to experience sexual attractions but not know what they are. Continue to be the parent coach to guide your teens through all these new emotions and sensations and have open conversations on topics like masturbation and how girls get pregnant. Address any questions they may have about dating and relating to the opposite sex, and how those issues fit into your family’s beliefs and values on marriage and family formation.


During these teen years, your teen may still go through insecurities about their appearance so do remain loving and assuring. Your attention to them and input as a parent is still very important. Assure them that their identity is based on a large number of factors and not just on how they look.

You may also want to celebrate this milestone with your kids. Some parents take this opportunity to bring their child on a weekend get-away or have a special meal to commemorate this season of rapid development. It is a good time to bond and to affirm the child’s identity even as they grow into a young adult.

Conversations About Sex Need Not Be So Tough

Research shows that when parents engage their children in topics on sexuality, their children grow to make wiser choices in relationships and sex. To help you overcome your fears in broaching the topic, we have designed a Talk About Sex video series specially for parent and child (aged 7-12) to enjoy, engage with and learn together!
Find out more

What If My Child is Having Sex?

Teen & Emerging Years (13-19)

Regain Composure

Keep calm, stay collected and don’t lose it.  

That’s the first thing you have to do if you suspect your teen may be sexually active, especially when it goes again the values you have taught them. While it may be extremely upsetting to learn that your teen is having sex, reacting strongly and negatively will result in your teen hearing only your anger and disappointment. Before you talk to your child, give yourself space to process your feelings and sort out the messages you wish to convey to your child. 

Spousal Alignment 

You and your spouse should come together to share your feelings honestly. Be open in articulating sadness, disappointment or even self-reproach. Support each other in keeping calm. Doing this before you speak to your teen helps you come to grips with your own feelings so you don’t take them out on your child.  

Get on the same page about what you want to achieve and discuss with your spouse how you want to proceed, before approaching your teen. While it is natural to feel like the sole priority is to stop your teen’s sexual activity, expand your goals to include keeping the connection with your child and communicating your unchanging love. 

Open-Ended Conversations 

This is key to truly understanding what is going on, especially if the information is coming from a third party. There is a need to learn more about what happened and how your teen is feeling about it. Asking open-ended questions ensures your child is safe yet understands the consequences of what they are doing.  
 
During the conversation, be factual and calm. Ask them for the facts as well as why they did what they did, who they did it with, how it happened and how they felt then and now. It is critical to understand decision making from their point of view.  

Really listen when they start talking. The more we have a welcoming and open posture, the more information we will receive. Resist the urge to be presumptuous about their actions. Don’t automatically assume they are being rebellious. Some teens find sexual boundaries within relationships a grey zone and may genuinely not know how to handle it when someone they like initiates something sexually. Not that it should be an excuse for your teen’s actions, but it may help you to refrain from going into interrogation and blaming by keeping in mind that until your child’s brain is fully developed in their late 20’s, their rational brain tends to give way to their emotional brain. 

Sexual encounters are a big deal and if your teen has to process what happened alone, they may do it through the lens of the emotions they feel about the encounter, and that may not be the best thing.

A Safe Space 

So, while we may be grappling with a range of difficult emotions, do listen well, ask questions, but also allow them time to think and respond. Most importantly, don’t condemn them for what has happened; instead grieve together over their mistake.  

Protect your connection with your child by making sure what you communicate demonstrates your love.  

As parents, we are to be a safe space for our children as they navigate uncharted waters in life, especially when crisis hits. 

After you’ve heard your teen out, revisit your family values and explain the why behind the what. Remember: You don’t need to agree with their choices in order to love them well but loving well entails offering the parental guidance they need, whether they choose to take it or not.  

It’s good for both Dad and Mum to share their perspectives.  

Some things you want to talk through is the value of their body and consent:  

  • What does love mean? Will their boyfriend or girlfriend still love them if they stop having sex? If not, what does that mean?  
  • Will they be okay if they break up after having had sex? What impact would that have on them? 
  • What can we do together to help them get out of this situation? 
  • What would help the situation to not repeat itself? 

Without talking down to them, emphasise that there are consequences to sex. Sexual activity is illegal in Singapore for minors below 16 years of age. You may also want to share research that shows teenage sexual activity is linked to increased incidences of depression and suicide attempts, and a decrease in self-worth and later marital satisfaction. 

Emphasise that sex is good and best within the protected boundaries of a committed marriage.

Empowering Your Child  

Remain their biggest cheerleader. If they feel stuck in their situation, remind and empower them to know that they always have a choice.  
 
If your teen is adamant that the relationship is very important to them, make the effort to know their boyfriend or girlfriend. You can ask them over for dinner and invite them to regularly join your family events. Explain that if their girlfriend or boyfriend cares about your teen, they should be happy to come and meet the family.   
 
You don’t want your teen to feel they have to choose between family and their boy/girlfriend. Remind your child that you are on their side and continue to communicate your love for them. Choosing to remain intentional and loving will take effort – particularly when you don’t see the changes you want straightaway – but your teen is worth fighting for. 

Stay the Course 

Conversations about sex can be highly stressful, and your teen may initially feel worse off after talking to you. Get support from loved ones and friends when the days are tough. Parents need encouragement too!  

Remain calm while talking. Remind your child that you love them and are for them. Reinforce the message that you just want to make sure they understand the implications of their choices and make decisions for the best outcomes. Stay the course in these things, and your teen is more likely to come back to you going forward, and even turn around their behaviours and lifestyle.

Conversations About Sex Need Not Be So Tough

Research shows that when parents engage their children in topics on sexuality, their children grow to make wiser choices in relationships and sex. To help you overcome your fears in broaching the topic, we have designed a Talk About Sex video series specially for parent and child (aged 7-12) to enjoy, engage with and learn together!
Find out more