The Straits Times
Republished with Permission
24 November 2024

School holidays are in full swing. With the children at home all day, for some parents it’s no holiday, though. Many are fretting over how to control their kids’ screen use, and how to make productive use of their time. 

Apart from going away on holiday, or signing the kids up for various sports or enrichment camps – both of which involve hefty sums of money – what else can we do to occupy them meaningfully?

Some of us are already getting nightmares thinking about the nagging, scolding and endless negotiations with the kids.

“Mummy, can I get an extra 30 minutes of game time?”

“Dad, can I not do the dishes today? My body is aching…”

Or worse, you’ve already given an ultimatum, but they have totally ignored it and are still going at their on-screen game – resulting in you fuming, exploding and threatening to kill the Wi-Fi.

Is there a better way?

Conversations about screen time

Just before the holidays started for my Secondary One boy, he asked us if he could earn extra game time by doing chores.

We listened as he presented his pitch: folding the clothes or buying food for the family would earn him an additional 15 minutes of game time daily.

Although most parenting experts would frown upon the giving of game time as a reward, since it would be further entrenched as an object of desire, we decided to give him the green light. It seemed a reasonable request, and since then he has been able to keep largely to the limits we’ve agreed on.

We were hopeful it would motivate him to keep up with his chores without us nagging. We were also keen to avoid a combative stance on tech use, as we have heard stories from more experienced parents that it can lead to heightened tensions with their young teens. 

Keen to avoid similar mistakes, we have been having intentional conversations about screen time, sometimes using news articles as a doorway into such topics. We chat about the pros and cons of technology – how to utilise it for good, while navigating the pitfalls, such as when being on the devices sucks up too much of our time.

Why scolding does not work

Most of us grew up in an era where parental discipline equates with punishment, the painful sort at that. 

Did we learn some lessons from it? Perhaps. But more often than not, we also learnt that it was even more important not to get caught. 

In the early years of parenthood, I sometimes found myself repeating the same tactics my parents used: threats, force, harsh words. In the end, it always felt like a lose-lose situation. The child gave up the item or activity of desire grudgingly, and I walked away with a ton of guilt on my shoulders.  

In her book The Magic Years, Dr Selma Fraiberg writes: “A child needs to feel our disapproval at certain times, but if our reaction is of such strength that the child feels worthless and despised for his offence, we have abused our power as parents and have created the possibility that exaggerated guilt feelings and self-hatred will play a part in this child’s personality development.”

To elicit cooperation from our kids – minus the scolding and nagging – Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, authors of How To Talk So Kids Will Listen, And Listen So Kids Will Talk, advise using one or two words, rather than a string of angry sentences.

For example, instead of “Tim, you were supposed to do the dishes, and it’s now 8pm and they are still in the sink. I’ve reminded you umpteen times, and they’re still not done. I’m getting so sick and tired of this!” we can try saying: “Tim, dishes.”

Another approach they suggest is to express our emotions (using words), while at the same time pointing out a specific way for them to make amends.

Using the example of the dirty dishes, one might say: “It really makes me upset seeing the dirty dishes when you gave your word they would be done. I’d like them washed and put away before bedtime!”  

The trick: Managing our own emotions

However, the best tips in the world are still unlikely to work unless we are first able to keep a handle on our own emotions. When anger is spilling out of our ears, it becomes all too easy to lash out with hurtful words or even get physical in the heat of the moment.

In a podcast on the topic of positive discipline, early childhood educator Alicia Yeh advised parents to prioritise self-care.

She says: “If you know you’re tired after a long day at work, maybe having a shower before going to your child is important. Or if that inappropriate behaviour happens at that time, and the anger is rising, it may not be wise to manage that behaviour there and then.

“You might want to take a deep breath, turn around, or get somebody else to help the child with calming down.”

She adds that with children, respect for our authority comes through “journeying with the children, and being there to connect with them”.

Connecting before correcting

I mentioned earlier that my boy has been able to keep to screen-time limits, but this was not without some misbehaviour.

We have on previous occasions caught him overstepping his boundaries and trying to sneak behind our back to get extra game time. During such times, we made sure to communicate our hurt and grief with him, while also trying to understand what was going through his mind.

We also tried to understand the feelings he had about the game, such as what made it so interesting and attractive to him. We learnt that there were occasions when he had been invited to play by his friends, and in the moment, it “slipped his mind” to ask for our permission.

Apart from letting him experience the logical consequences of the misdeed, such as paying back the screen time and going without games for X number of days, we also emphasised the need to protect the trust we had worked to build as a family.

“It takes years to build trust, and only a moment to destroy it,” I remember telling him.

We certainly have not attained a fool-proof formula for parenting our children when it comes to difficult tussles like screen time, but we have travelled some distance.

Focus on the positive

Instead of going on like a broken record on how tech devices can be bad for our children’s brains, sometimes we need to switch gears and focus on what is good. Show them what the alternatives are and where they can get involved.

An article on the Digital for Life website suggests starting the conversation with curiosity, not criticism. This helps open the door to a non-confrontational, collaborative space where we can discuss with our children what a healthy, balanced life looks like.

By shifting our approach towards our children and towards common issues such as screen time and chores, these pain points need not end with scream time. Instead, they can be the beginning of strong family bonds, and a lighter, happier home atmosphere.

For the original article, please visit How do parents reduce screen time without scream time?