Be supported as you parent in a digital world
Parent Coaching
ParentEd is a parent education initiative from Focus on the Family Singapore.
Parent Coaching
Child’s Life Stage: Tween
What Teens Really Want From Their Parents
Adolescence, with its associated issues and angst, has baffled parents from generation to generation. You can almost hear them asking: What exactly does my teen want, and how do I maintain my relationship with them?
Recently 4 teens went on CNA938 to share with Susan Ng what teens really want from their parents, and how parents can bridge the communication gap with them.
‘More independence and space to make mistakes please’
Most teens want independence, but what does this look like?
17-year-old Nicole recalled adapting to a very different environment and culture when she started her polytechnic studies. “I think initially, you really want to be your own person and just do whatever you want without your parents controlling.”
At 14, Zoe felt that life now is “in an awkward zone when you’re expected to behave like an adult but you’re treated like a kid.”
While she craves independence to juggle her different responsibilities, it does not mean she wants to be left completely alone.
She confessed, “It’s not like I have my whole life figured out. I definitely need my parents’ help because they have gone through so many experiences, and made so many mistakes and learnt from them.”
That said, Zoe thinks parents can give teens some space in areas where they are more aware of what they are doing.
“I think they can have some freedom to actually make their own decisions as we all have to go through certain experiences to learn. If we make a mistake, we’ll learn not to do it again,” she added.
While she craves independence, it does not mean she wants to be left completely alone.
Okay, we get it. Teens just want more independence and space. But often parents want to know that their teens are safe, and be informed of what they’re doing or who they’re hanging out with.
Parents want to keep the communication lines open but at times it seems like the teen is retreating and distant.
So how do we begin to bridge the gap?
1. Start slow with us
Inspired by a Pinterest post, Zoe shared this quote with those tuned in, “Don’t discourage your children just because they are making a change.”
If your teen has grown distant, and one day he or she starts to open up to you, don’t respond with sarcastic remarks like, “Oh, you’re finally telling me all this” or “Wow, you’ve come out of your cave”. Offer a listening ear and empathetic comments like, “Oh, that sounds tough” or “I think you gave your best”.
For Nicole, what works for her is to open up the conversation during meal-time. She mused, “As a family, we treasure our dinners very much because that’s when we can have ‘together time’ and have those conversations that are important to us.”
Another 14-year-old, Jillian, also suggests starting slow. Make small conversations often, beginning with questions that are safe and neutral, such as “How’s your day?” or “What have you been working on at school lately?”
Don’t discourage your children just because they are making a change.
2. Let us know you’ll be there for us
Even when our teens seem distant and quiet, they like to know that somebody is looking out for them and will always be there if they need help.
Zoe confided, “I might not want to share what’s bothering me, maybe I’m not ready yet. But it feels good to know that my parents are there for me. It’s like an assurance that I’m not alone in this problem.”
For Jillian, knowing her parents are available to talk about her worries at the end of the day is very comforting. Decompressing together makes her feel safe in their relationship. Such moments help build the emotional connection between parent and teen.
“Even though my parents may not have gone through the exact same thing, they can still relate to what’s going on.”
Sometimes it gets overwhelming, and we really don’t need you to shoot us down. We only hope that you’ll try to understand our struggles.
3. Empathise and don’t judge
When our teens approach us with a problem, it’s vital that we listen first, withholding judgement or reacting quickly and emotionally.
Zoe shared, “Accept us for our problems and flaws, and don’t underestimate the issue just because we are kids. As teenagers, life can feel pretty crazy, with homework, sports training and other responsibilities.
“Sometimes it gets overwhelming, and we really don’t need you to shoot us down. We only hope that you’ll try to understand our struggles and points of view.”
4. Tell us we are loved
It can be hard to express love to a teen, what with their sometimes erratic and difficult-to-read behaviour. But it doesn’t mean we stop trying to say “I love you”.
16-year-old Sean said, “Sometimes friendships don’t go well, and school is stressful. At times, I feel that there’s nobody here for me. Then I remember that, oh yeah my parents are always there for me. They always tell me they love me, so okay I’m not alone.”
For Zoe, that feeling of being loved in spite of her mistakes and blunders is hard to describe. The assurance of her parents’ love reminds her that they trust and believe in her, and it can carry her through some of the hard days.
So parents, don’t hold back the “I love you” even if it seems awkward. Look for opportunities to keep that door of communication open, and to find ways to express your love and admiration for your teen.
Connection with our teenagers is established with a million little steps, and we only fail when we stop trying.
© 2019 Focus on the Family Singapore. All rights reserved.
Is It Normal for Me to be So Angry with My Kids?
“Why am I constantly yelling at the kids?”
“Is it okay for me to be this angry?”
“What can I do about all these negative emotions?”
If you’re a parent of young children, you may have asked yourself these questions at some point of your parenthood career.
While we often turn to parenting books or blogs to help us get a grip on our angry outbursts, theory is often hard to translate into practice. For me, it takes some self-reflection to first identify the common triggers (or anger buttons), and then making a deliberate effort to practice calming strategies on myself.
Why is it so difficult to control our emotions?
Theresa Pong, former Principal Counsellor at Focus on the Family Singapore, explains, “Emotions play an important part in our lives. They help us to survive and avoid danger. More importantly, they help us to allow others to understand us and for us to understand others. Thus, it is normal for us to experience a range of emotions including anger.”
She identified four broad areas that can cause anger to arise:
- Personal issues – such as having conflicts with other family members or issues at work
- Issues caused by others – such as when a family member accidentally breaks a glass at home or your boss tasks you to complete a task within short notice
- External events – such as when an electrical appliance or family car breaks down
- Unhappy memories – such as being pickpocketed during an overseas family trip
Questions to check if our anger is well managed
Here are some questions you can ask yourself to see if you are managing your angry or upset feelings well:
- Is your anger or negative feelings affecting your relationship with others?
- Do you often entertain extreme negative thoughts, for example, “My kids are ALWAYS making trouble” or “My spouse is NEVER there for me”?
- Are you constantly shouting, yelling or being hostile to your spouse/children?
- Do you get physical often when you are experiencing anger?
- Do you frequently act impulsively in anger, such as using harsh words on your family members, throwing things in anger, or using dangerous objects to threaten them?
As parents who have to juggle multiple roles such as caring for the kids, caring for elderly parents and work, we may find it difficult to get sufficient rest.
Being in a constant state of unhappiness and tiredness may leave us ill-prepared to deal with the multiple stressors of the day.
As such, we may find ourselves frequently in a fight-or-flight mode: At the slightest provocation, we will tend to react negatively.
The 5 steps to anger management
Fortunately for us, there are ways that can help. Theresa shared this 5-step solution to managing our anger well:
1. Be mindful of self
It is important for parents to notice how they feel when angry. For example, if you know you are about to lose your temper, your breathing gets shallow and quick, and there is tension in a particular part of your body, tell yourself these are signs you are in the “zone”.
The “zone” is when you are close to reaching your boiling point, and when you are more prone to over-react or lash out at others in such a way that you may hurt those around you.
2. Do not reject the feelings
Once you are aware that you are in the zone, do not reject the feelings. Some people perceive that it is wrong to feel sad or angry as it means they are weak. Tell yourself that it is normal to feel this way as all are us are made or wired to experience emotions.
3. Take a break
When you are in the zone or close to it, it is good to take a break. It may be just 5 minutes for you to retreat to a quiet space in your home or take a short walk around your housing estate, but this will help you to regulate your emotions and be more in control.
4. Attend to your thoughts and feelings
When you are ready, ask yourself these questions:
- What emotions am I experiencing?
- When was the last time I felt this way?
- Where did these emotions come from?
- Are there any voices in my mind that is making me even angrier (or intensify other emotions)?
- What do I really want?
5. Act calmly
After going through the first 4 steps, you are likely to be able to deal with the situation in a calm manner.
For example, if your kids messed up the room after you have spent hours cleaning up, you can tell them firmly that you feel upset about their actions. Then administer a natural consequence such as having them clean up the room.
We can use angry moments as teaching moments for ourselves and our children.
Sometimes, our angry emotions are a cue for us to relook at the situation and see if there are areas we can improve. For example, maybe our kids are acting up more frequently because they’re feeling uncomfortable with certain changes or are feeling distant from us.
While practising the 5 steps shared above, do be patient with yourself and others as it may take time to see the results. However, acknowledge the effort you are making each day and celebrate the small successes. With each step you make, know that you are sowing the seeds of love and kindness in your family!
What Scolding Really Does to Your Child
Chris* will always remember his childhood experience with broccoli. Since he was young, he had always had a distinct dislike for that green vegetable. Perhaps it was the softness of the florets or the peculiar shade of green. Whatever the reason, he had never liked the vegetable, and had always avoided it when his parents gave it to him. When he was three, his parents divorced and his father remarried, and Chris went to live with his stepmother. That change in his life all but sealed his experience with broccoli.
Twenty years later, in the comfort of the counselling room, Chris shared with me that his stepmother took it upon herself to “cure” his disdain for broccoli and all things green. Whenever Chris refused to eat his vegetables, she would scold him in a loud voice, and if he still persisted, she would carry his high chair (with him in it), and place him outside the main door. There he would sit until he either finished his vegetables, or if he got so tired that he fell asleep in his high chair without finishing his food.
“It was the worst period of my life,” he recounted.
To limit the spread of COVID-19, many working parents are now working from home. With students doing home-based learning, our school-going kids are home at the very same time we are figuring out this new work arrangement. Distractions and interruptions can come more easily, potentially impacting our productiveness.
As you work towards a new norm with work and family life, consider how these 6 Rs could help you create a more successful and less stressful environment for everyone in the family!
Over time, he began to move from a sense of guilt, which told him that “I did something wrong”, to a sense of shame, which insisted that “I am something wrong”.
According to American educator and author John Bradshaw, every child has feelings, needs and desires, and that if a parent cannot affirm these aspects of a child, he or she rejects the child’s “authentic self”. In his seminal book, “Healing the Shame that Binds You”, he talks about the impact of a parent’s rejection on a child, especially if this leads to shame. According to Bradshaw, shaming makes the child believe that he or she is wrong for feeling, desiring or needing something.
In Chris’ case, the stepmother was rejecting his feelings of disdain for broccoli. By first scolding him, and then carrying the high chair outside the house, his stepmother was entrenching the notion that it is wrong to feel disdain.
This was buttressed by the deeper feelings of rejection that Chris might have felt by other onlookers who passed by the house. Over time, he began to move from a sense of guilt, which told him that “I did something wrong”, to a sense of shame, which insisted that “I am something wrong”.
Bradshaw calls this the shame identity; according to him, individuals who have been shamed on numerous occasions take on a persona of worthlessness and defectiveness.
Does this mean that we should stop scolding our children entirely? Especially since it would seem that scolding our children could lead to the development of a shame identity?
As a parent, a number of principles have guided the way I discipline my children:
1. Establishing Loving Boundaries
A friend once shared with me the concept that children are “persons-in-training”. I like this perspective very much and have adopted this paradigm when I guide my kids. Based on this view that my children are still-developing and ever-learning individuals, I work hard to establish clear and loving boundaries regarding is allowed or not allowed in my household.
For instance, screen-time is kept constant each day, and my 10 and 8-year-old sons are allowed no more than half an hour each in the afternoons after they finish their homework.
The boys are aware of this rule and while they may ask for more screen-time, they know that our stance on this is clear; they will not get any additional time, even if they beg, persuade or cajole us.
Through this process, the children learn the importance of boundaries; that they are there to keep the bad out and keep the good in.
2. Seeking to Understand
Children act up for a reason, and oftentimes it stems from their basic needs – they could be hungry, thirsty, tired, or emotionally overwhelmed. When we understand the reason why they throw a tantrum, we can anticipate and manage the situation better. For instance, large party gatherings could be a sensorial nightmare for the kids, and while they may enjoy the excitement of being in a crowd of friends, the environment might cause them to get emotionally overwhelmed.
As such, leaving the gathering just a little earlier (or later) could help to reduce the likelihood of any potential tantrum. Understanding leads to empathy, and we are then less likely to get upset with our children when we know that they are not misbehaving on purpose, but are instead communicating a physical or emotional need.
3. Removing and Replacing
We often share in our workshops that one way of managing our children’s emotions is to remove the negative behaviour and replace it with an action that is more socially acceptable. For instance, if the child is likely to hit another person when he or she is feeling anxious or stressed, it might be helpful to provide a tactile fidget that serves as a replacement object for the child to express his or her emotions.
Using such a replacement strategy, we can change our children’s negative behaviours to more acceptable ones.
It has taken many months of counselling to help Chris deal with the numerous issues associated with scolding and toxic shame. Over time he has learnt to deal with the years of pain that he had experienced through his difficult family situation.
But till today, he still refuses to eat broccoli.
*The names and identities in this article have been changed to protect their confidentiality.
Mark Lim is Consultant & Counsellor at The Social Factor, a consultancy and counselling agency which conducts training on life skills such as parenting, mentoring and special needs. He and his wife Sue co-write a parenting blog Parenting on Purpose, where they chronicle the life lessons from parenting two young boys aged 10 and 8.
Surviving the Teenage Transition
“I don’t know what to do with him! He used to be my little boy, and he would come to my room every day to tell me what he does in school. Nowadays he doesn’t even want to eat dinner with us. It’s the phone. He takes the phone and goes into the room and closes the door. I don’t know if my son is even the same person anymore!”
When she came to my counselling room, Mrs Chan* was an emotional wreck. She talked non-stop about how her 14-year-old son Jeremy* spent hours on end playing Internet games. And it affected him so much that all his grades suffered.
Jeremy no longer had a desire to do anything other than play games, and even when the family went on a recent trip to Australia, he was on the phone for most of their car journeys, and even bugged them to return to the hotel room early so he could get back to his games.
On the surface, Jeremy’s issues centre around gaming addiction. And I have referred him to a centre known for their work in this area. However, there are also deeper issues that stem from his parents’ lack of understanding on how to manage their children as they negotiate the difficult transition from being a tween to a teen.
Human development theorist Erik Erikson identified 8 stages of psychosocial development that all individuals go through. The 4th Stage, “Industry vs. Inferiority”, occurs during childhood (from 5 to 12 years old). During this stage, children begin to do things on their own and their peer group starts to gain greater significance.
As children move into the 5th Stage between the ages of 12 to 18 – Erikson described it as a tension between “Identity vs. Role Confusion” – they become more independent, and begin to look at the future in areas such as relationships with families and friends.
There are also deeper issues that stem from his parents’ lack of understanding on how to manage their children.
This is a crucial stage where the child learns the roles he will occupy as an adult. There is a heavy emphasis on identity and on discovering exactly who he or she is. Successful development leads to a strong sense of identity, while inadequacies result in a poor self-image and role confusion.
To help children manage this difficult transition between stages 4 and 5, parents need to support their child in negotiating the complex issues of peer influence, relationships and identity.
1. Help Them Manage Peer Influence
Friends are a major influence on a child’s life. And the process apparently starts during the pre-school years. I happened to be outside a childcare centre one evening after they had organised a Christmas party. I observed a girl who was dressed in a lovely princess dress. As the child was picked up by her father, one of the other mothers made a comment, “Quite pretty. But I think my girl’s dress is nicer.” It dawned on me then that sometimes the competition between children stems from their parents.
Some years back, my niece told me that she was the only one in her Primary 2 class without a handphone. She was in a top school, and it seemed like everyone in her class had the latest phone. But her parents refused to give her a phone. Though her classmates had made fun of her then, my niece refused to bow to peer pressure. I think it’s because she understood the reasons why her parents did not want her to bring a phone to school.
When our children understand the purpose behind us making certain decisions, and imbibe the underlying values, they are in a better position to stand up against peer pressure.
2. Model Healthy Relationships
Like peer pressure, a child’s notions of relationship are largely formed when they interact with their friends in pre-school and in primary school. Sometimes, an unintended consequence of adult teasing is that children begin to believe that boys and girls cannot be good friends without the presence of romance and love.
Children also form an understanding of these concepts from the media and entertainment they consume, where there tends to be an over-emphasis on the physicality of the relationship. In addition, the media does not present a full picture of love, and often fail to accurately depict conflict and conflict resolution.
It is therefore imperative for us to address these gaps; the best way to do this is to model what relationships are about through our day-to-day interactions. For example, we tell our kids that Daddy and Mummy love each other very much. But there are times when we don’t agree on things, and may quarrel with each other. However, at the end of the day, we choose to talk to each other about how we feel, and try to come to a common understanding on what to do about the problem.
3. Give Them Space to Express Their Identity
Identity formation is one of the most important struggles of a teenager. Most of the parent-child battles that occur in the tween-to-teen years arise from this struggle to understand, and express, who they are. This is characterised in terms of their physical appearance, emotional and spiritual preferences, as well as their expected role and place in society. Pop singer Britney Spears said it best in her song “I’m not a girl, not yet a woman.” While I’m not a Britney Spears fan, I feel that sentence encapsulates what a tween/teen is going through.
To help children in their quest of self-discovery, we can practice the concept of “loving boundaries”. As adults, we have to set the boundaries of the exploratory process. How far would you allow your child to go in the process of finding himself or herself? It would not be wise if there are no limits, and the child ends up wandering off a cliff in the search for his or her identity.
Identity formation is one of the most important struggles of a teenager.
At the same time, we also need to provide warmth, a listening ear, and a touch of love. When the child is young, a strict parenting style might be effective in terms of achieving compliance. However, as the child approaches adolescence, a more measured response is preferable. We may find that a more collaborative approach in the way we communicate with our kids, rather than barking out instructions, more effective in the long run.
Be honest with your children about the difficulties that you are going through but only provide them with age-appropriate information.
4. Support Their Decisions
As our children grow up, they begin to make more and more important choices that will affect their future. As parents, we can empower our kids in their decision-making. On one hand, we want them to be independent to make their own decisions. Yet on the other hand, we want them to make the “right” choices. Sometimes these two paths do not cross, so we need to be at peace with whatever choices that our children make, even when they may not appear to be the best.
A collaborative approach in the way we communicate with our kids, rather than barking out instructions, is more effective in the long run.
There will be ups and downs in this journey as your child grows and enters adulthood, but remembering that you’re on the same team will help your relationship to thrive. Here are some tips you can practice today!
- Don’t take rejection personally. Understand that they’re going through challenges of their own.
- Do less talking and more listening.
- Assure them you are there when they need to talk.
- Schedule regular one-on-one dates, whether it’s for a walk, or for coffee.
- If limits need to be set, broach the subject when you’re both calm and are not in a rush. Brainstorm together for solutions, rather than directing. Communicate your concerns and feelings about the issue at hand.
- Give your teen room to grow and make mistakes.
* Names have been changed to protect clients’ privacy.
Mark Lim is Consultant & Counsellor at The Social Factor, a consultancy and counselling agency which conducts training on life skills such as parenting, mentoring and special needs. He and his wife Sue co-write a parenting blog Parenting on Purpose, where they chronicle the life lessons from parenting two young boys aged 9 and 7.
- Want to be equipped to nurture your teen well? Read more about The ParentEd Dialogues today!
Raising A Responsible Child Does Not Need Harsh Methods
The 7-year-old hurriedly deposited the bag of goods at the kitchen table. He then dashed off to his room to play with his brother. But not before he heard a shout from the kitchen.
“E! What happened to the eggs! Why are half of them broken!”
As the 7-year-old returned to the kitchen, he was met with a frown on his father’s face. The bag of eggs was open, and it was not a pretty picture.
“Why are the eggs broken?” asked the father in an upset yet calm tone.
“Er…. I don’t know,” came the reply.
“Well, I saw how you had thrown them on the kitchen table. You were too eager to go to your room and play.”
The boy did not reply. His eyes turned to the ground and he attempted to avoid his father’s stern glare.
“Who is responsible for the broken eggs?” asked the father.
“Sorry Daddy. It’s my fault.”
“I accept your apology. But E, do you know who is ultimately responsible for the eggs?”
The little boy looked at his father, expecting him to yell at him for not properly handling the eggs.
“I am ultimately responsible. You are still a young boy, and I chose to let you carry the eggs. So although you are partly to blame for breaking the eggs, but at the end of the day, as your father, I am the one who is ultimately responsible for the eggs.”
The little boy was surprised at the response, his eyes taking in the weight of all that had just been said; and all at once there seemed to appear a gleam of gratitude on his face.
“I understand, Daddy. If you don’t love us you wouldn’t spend so much time training us and teaching us to be responsible….”
Our philosophy is that children should be treated as “persons-in-training,” individuals to be groomed as early an age as possible.
Building Healthy Habits
Since our children were young we have been teaching them the importance of being responsible for their actions. For instance, since the age of 5 or 6, our kids have been carrying their own plates to the table after we place our orders at the food centre. We are aware that they could possibly drop the plates, but we have decided that even if they did that, it’s still okay. And at home, we have used regular crockery and other utensils from an early age, instead of the plastic cups and plates which are usually used by many other kids. Our philosophy is that children should be treated as “persons-in-training,” individuals to be groomed as early an age as possible.
Many of these ideas have come from 19th century educationalist Charlotte Mason, whose writings on classical education have shaped the minds of many. A prominent teacher and writer, Mason believed that a parent’s chief duty was to “form in his child right habits of thinking and behaving.” To that end, habit formation was one of the key principles that she advocated.
I remember one of her analogies about habit formation. She noted that the train goes around a fixed railway track each day. Would it then be possible one day for the train to suddenly decide to go off track? Likely not; the railway tracks have been established from the start, and the train would not travel in a route that was not there before. Likewise, when we lay the rails of a child’s life, we establish set patterns and habits that the child will follow from the beginning of his or her life. Consequently, we need to help our children develop healthy habits as early as possible.
When we lay the rails of a child’s life, we establish set patterns and habits that the child will follow throughout life.
No Need for Harsh Consequences
What then about responsibility? Many parents have chosen an approach known as classical conditioning. If the child does something right, they are rewarded. But if they do something wrong, they are punished. This model of teaching responsibility is borrowed from psychology, and many parents today practise this method.
However, if we were to draw from Mason’s principles to teach responsibility, we would see responsibility as an extension of habit formation. So if we teach our children how to be responsible from an early age, they will start practicing good habits and take ownership of their day-to-day responsibilities.
As such, there is no need for an external stimulus like a reward or a punishment to drive our kids. Instead, our children are motivated by an internal desire to be responsible for their actions.
They can begin by learning to be responsible in small ways such as watering the plants and clearing the dinner table daily. As your kids get older, you can scaffold their responsibilities and entrust them with chores such as washing or hanging of laundry, or vacuuming and mopping the house.
However, as parents, we should bear the ultimate responsibility for what happens under our care. As such, we need to monitor whether the plants are being watered or if the dishes are being cleaned properly, continually guiding and reminding our kids if the leaves turn yellow or if there is leftover soap on the dishes. There is therefore no need for harsh punishment. We instead replace this with regular training.
What if the child refuses or forgets to do his chores? Chore refusal is a behavioural issue and needs to be resolved accordingly, with an appropriate punishment such as a “time in” or a withdrawal of privileges. As for forgetfulness, we all forget things from time to time; we can simply remind the child to do the chore, regardless of how inconvenient it may be for them.
“Daddy,” said the 9-year-old, “It’s already evening and I have yet to water the plants. I’m very tired and I really want to go to bed.”
“Yes, Z. I know it has been a long day for you.”
“But Daddy, I know I must water the plants. It’s my responsibility.”
“Yes, Z. You are absolutely right. Why don’t you ask your younger brother to help with the lights?”
And so the younger child reached out and switched on the balcony lights, while the older child proceeded to water the plants. The younger brother then completed the task by switching off the lights.
“You know Z and E, you have both done very well. Daddy is very proud of both of you!”
And the boys beamed a brilliant smile, even as they headed to bed.
Think about:
- What is one way your child can help out in the home this week?
Help Your Child Overcome the Fear of Failure
“Just tell me if my answer is correct.”
My daughter was getting increasingly exasperated as she knew I wasn’t feeding her with the answers without ensuring that she understood the thought process to solve her Math questions. To her, mistakes are a sign of failure and she wanted to stay a mile away from them.
At the tender age of 10, she is already painfully aware of how negative being labelled as a failure can be. In school, non-performers have been put down by classmates, while praises were lavished on the top scorers.
In contrast, I’ve also heard of schools giving out medals to everyone for participating at Sport Day so no one feels excluded. Both extremes give failure a bad reputation; why do we make failure out to be a dead end?
While we want our children to be successful in their endeavours, the last thing we should do is shield them from every obstacle that come their way. If children are never taught how to deal with setbacks, how can they build the resilience to recover from them?
Very often, the fear of failure is worse than actual failure itself as it creates anxiety and hinders our children from trying new things. In order for children to overcome the fear of failure, we must equip them with a healthy perspective of failure.
1. Teach them that failures are building blocks to success
What if we taught our children that failures are essential to success? And that in order to succeed, failures have to be part of the equation.
We can take on the role of a coach. Instead of taking over their problems, help them to evaluate the problem, brainstorm possible solutions, and gently point out their blind spots or where they can improve.
With each experience of failure, our children will be less fearful of making mistakes. They will likely also learn to approach difficult situations from different angles, helping them to be more creative and persistent at problem-solving.
With each experience of failure, our children will be less fearful of making mistakes.
2. Emphasise on progress, not perfection
Children often get disheartened when they see that they are not doing as well as others, but we can help them to focus on the progress they have made. Recognise the efforts they have put in and assure them that if they continue trying, they will be able to get there.
Encourage them not to give up just because they have not achieved their goal yet. It just means that there is room for improvement and growth.
3. Temper our reactions towards failures
Acknowledge our child’s disappointment but also give them space to articulate their frustration and disappointment.
Instead of saying, “You just need to try harder next time,” we can be more empathetic in our response by saying, “I know you trained hard for the trials and I’m sorry you didn’t get into the team. Do you want to talk about it?”
Our reaction to the setbacks that our children experience shapes their mindset towards failures. If we are always looking for someone to blame, children may try to find an excuse when things don’t go as planned. By responding with more compassion, we are teaching them to take personal responsibility towards failure.
Growing their self-awareness will also put them in a better position to pick themselves up after a fall. If they were unprepared for their test, ask if they felt they had put in enough time and effort on their revision, and if not, what they can do next time. If they were overlooked for a leadership role, ask what areas they think they can work on for the next round of selection.
Acknowledge our child’s disappointment but also give them space to articulate their frustration and disappointment.
4. Emphasise that they are not defined by failures
For self-esteem to flourish, children need to know they are not defined by their success or failure. Similarly, we must recognise that our children’s success or failure do not define us as well.
While we may worry about our children failing at school, being overly caught up with grades can be suffocating and disempowering for children when they feel they are not measuring up.
As parents, we have to have a realistic view of our children’s abilities and set our expectations accordingly. By learning what motivates them, we can activate our children’s inner drive instead of making them do well to please us.
We can also be vulnerable and share our personal stories of disappointments we face at work. Insodoing, we are normalising failure and modelling to our kids so they can see how to cope with and overcome setbacks.
Failures can be painful but learning to change the conversations we have about failure will help reframe how our children perceive failure. With a more positive and growth-oriented mindset, they will be in a stronger position to overcome challenges in the future.
Think about:
- How will you talk about failure with your child this coming week?
Working From Home with Kids
What first comes to your mind when you think about working from home? Do you imagine it will be more difficult to get work done or do you think it will be a less pressurising way of working? While telecommuting has its perks, like time saved from travelling, it definitely has its own set of challenges as well.
To limit the spread of COVID-19, many working parents are now working from home. With students doing home-based learning, our school-going kids are home at the very same time we are figuring out this new work arrangement. Distractions and interruptions can come more easily, potentially impacting our productiveness.
As you work towards a new norm with work and family life, consider how these 6 Rs could help you create a more successful and less stressful environment for everyone in the family!
1. Ritual
Before the new measure of working from home was implemented, the “ritual” of getting ready for the day and commuting helps us to shift to “work mode” by the time we get to our workplaces. It would be helpful to create something similar even when we work from home—stick to a standard waking up time for everyone, continue to do the usual morning rituals of showering and breakfast with the kids.
Some people find it helpful to change into clothing that’s slightly more like their usual work wear. Pro-tip: wearing pajamas won’t help you feel productive!
Others mentally prepare themselves for work while doing some exercises or having a cup of coffee before they start the work day. Continue these morning rituals, set a time for work or school to start and keep to it every day as well as you can.
2. Room
There are those who can get productive work done when propped up in bed, but for most of us, that may not be conducive—especially when the kids or work kept us up late the night before!
Set up a well-lit designated workspace in your home that allows you to have good sitting posture and minimal distractions. Try to avoid spaces that might draw you toward doing something else, like the bedroom or kitchen. Parents of younger children may need to work near their children, so as to keep an eye on them as they play or nap, while parents of older kids can use a separate room as their “office”.
In the same way, we can set up a space for home-based learning for our kids. Make sure they understand that it’s a space for them to focus on online classes and homework, and not for playing or other activities.
As you consistently utilise these designated spaces every day, you will be drawing “boundaries” for your kids and they will understand that’s Daddy’s or Mummy’s work room or this is where I sit for school time. This adds a sense of our third “R” to their lives.
3. Routine
Just as it is useful to us to know what’s ahead in our work day by planning a schedule that includes time for work, breaks, and meals, our kids would also benefit from having such a routine.
For older children, plan each day’s schedule with or for them. Tell them that just as they have a set of school tasks to finish, Daddy and Mummy also have work tasks to complete, so everyone will have to work together as a family to get our work done. Think of ways you can increase your kids’ ownership over this schedule, say, by letting them write/type or decorate it. Then put it up where it can be easily seen, and follow it as closely as possible.
For toddlers, printing out visual cue cards can be a great way to communicate schedule. You can print out photos of what you want to fill their day with—whether playing, reading, eating, sleeping—and stick it somewhere prominently. Every time you move on to the next slot, remove the former card and make a big deal about the new card. You can even put a timer on if you like and every time the timer goes off, it signals the time for the next activity.
If you have children who are too young to keep themselves engaged while you’re working, you may need to plan your schedule around their routine, say, naps, meals, playtimes, and baths. This may mean starting work earlier before they wake, taking breaks during the moments when they need you most, and returning to work after they have gone to bed.
There’s no perfect routine—take time to experiment with different approaches before settling into a rhythm that works for your family.
4. Restraint
Self-discipline has been found to be key for those who work well from home. After we’ve planned our schedule, we need to stick to it to concentrate on our goals for the day. That means not doing lots of housework or heading out for a long trip in the middle of the work day!
When we practise self-discipline, we are also setting an example for our children on how to set limits on themselves. It’s important for parents to explain to their kids that when Daddy and Mummy are in their workspaces, they need to be able to focus, and so they cannot be interrupted frequently, unless it’s an emergency (and communicate what constitutes one)!
If you find that they are interrupting your work too often, you can give them a quota on the number of requests they can make when you are at work. Through this, they can learn some self-discipline by deciding which requests or questions they really need to ask and which ones can wait until later.
5. Rest
Let your children know that throughout the day, you’re going to take regular breaks and stick to them. During break times, engage with them—and be present! At the end of each break, remind them that you’ll be going back to work and will join them again at your next break.
Kids who are old enough to work independently can usually concentrate for about 30–45 minutes at a time, with 5–15 minute breaks in between. You may like to use a timer to help you and your kids keep track of time.
Give them permission to have more active indoor activities to release the energy that builds up when they’ve been sitting for long periods of time.
Remember that you need to get away from your desk from time to time, too—a good break does wonders for productivity!
6. Rewards
Finally, remember that this arrangement is new for your children. So be intentional in affirming your children when they have put in effort to stick to their schedule and the limits you’ve set.
Older children are able to understand the principle of delayed gratification: that doing their learning and homework first will have benefits later. Help them to understand the importance of sticking to a schedule to get a reward later on. Then, plan a surprise and spring it on them sometime during the week when they’re least expecting it. This will better reinforce their positive behaviour, which you will hopefully see more of with time.
You can also have a reward system where they get points for age-appropriate good behaviour and they get to redeem rewards (bubble tea, fast food meals, more TV time, etc.) with the points.
And don’t forget to affirm and reward yourself, too! This arrangement is a learning journey for you as well, and there would be tough spots along the way as you figure out what is best for you and your kids. When you hit upon something that works well for the whole family, that’s worth celebrating!
As we work on these aspects of Ritual, Room, Routine, Restraint, Rest, and Rewards, may we also discover the joy in connecting with our children in new ways!
Adapted from Staying Sane while Working from Home with Kids by Joannie Debrito ©️ 2020 All rights reserved. Used with permission from Focus on the Family.
Dads Need Other Dads to Grow in Their Parenting Journey
Introduction
Our third Survey for Dads was conducted from 04 May – 31 May 2022 through the databases and social media channels of Focus on the Family Singapore. A total of 269 fathers responded.
This year’s survey focused on understanding dads’ self-efficacy in parenting, and uncovering the importance of “dad-friends” in supporting a dad’s journey of fatherhood.
Is It Possible to Change a Person’s Sex?
Tween & teen years
No. A person’s sex cannot be changed. Biological sex is determined at conception (genotype) and during the baby’s development in the womb (phenotype).
Sex differences are expressed in many bodily systems and organs, not just what can be seen and observed by the human eye. While it is possible to change many areas of our lives, such as our dressing, hobbies, diet, or friends, it is not possible to change one’s biological sex.
It is possible, however, to change a person’s outward appearance.
Some people may use clothing, accessories and make-up to modify how they look. For example, a female might bind her chest in order to reduce breast visibility. However, it is also important to note that chest-binding is associated with negative symptoms such as rib pain or musculoskeletal symptoms (Jarrett et al., 2018).
Others may take sex hormones (oestrogen and testosterone) or turn to cosmetic surgery to further alter their appearance. These actions are taken as part of a process known as “medical transitioning”, but they do not change a person’s underlying biological sex.
Emerging years
What about gender dysphoria?
The word “dysphoria” is a clinical term for a sense of unease or distress when one experiences a mismatch between their gender identity and biological sex.
There are three types of gender dysphoria:
Early onset gender dysphoria typically begins in early childhood, usually between the ages of 2 and 4. According to Psychology Today, only a small number of children with gender dysphoria will continue to experience symptoms in later adolescence or adulthood.
Late onset gender dysphoria first appears in early to mid-adulthood. Persons who experience late onset gender dysphoria are almost exclusively male. This may simply involve experiencing sexual arousal through dressing as a woman, but it can also involve medical transitioning and living as a female.
Rapid onset gender dysphoria, an increasing social phenomenon, affects adolescents who have identified with their own biological sex for years, then decide they want to change genders and sometimes alter their bodies.
This developmental problem, which seems to predominantly affect adolescent females, is said to be associated with social influences such as:
- Social media influencers embracing and celebrating the idea of gender fluidity.
- Peers embracing transgender behaviour as popular and as an avenue for social celebration.
If you suspect your child may be experiencing gender dysphoria, it is important to acknowledge their struggles and to seek therapeutic help. Approach them from a posture of listening, gentleness and patience.
Be present with them when they are willing to share and be open about their thoughts and experiences, while also remembering that loving your child need not mean you have to affirm and agree with everything they do.
Conversations About Sex Need Not Be So Tough
Research shows that when parents engage their children in topics on sexuality, their children grow to make wiser choices in relationships and sex.
To help you overcome your fears in broaching the topic, we have designed a Talk About Sex video series specially for parent and child (aged 7-12) to enjoy, engage with and learn together!
