Raising Relationally-Smart Kids

Parental guidance to talk about sex

Raising Relationally-Smart Kids

Talking about sex can be one of the most daunting tasks for parents, especially if we never had the subject broached with us when growing up. How then can we confidently discuss healthy sexuality, love and relationships with our children?

Discover how you can help your child make wise decisions about their health, relationships, and life!

Participants will be equipped with skills to:

Engage your children in open and honest conversations about sex and relationship

Tackle growing online risks such as pornography and inappropriate content

Empower your children on setting healthy boundaries with their peers

Details

Duration: 1 – 1.5 hrs

Delivery Format:
Talks can be conducted either onsite or online via Zoom

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ParentEd is a parent education initiative from Focus on the Family Singapore.

Raising Screenwise Kids

Empowering kids to navigate the virtual world

Raising Screenwise Kids

With so much of our children’s time now spent online, how can we raise them to be screenwise and future-ready?

It can be a parent’s greatest challenge to set limits on screentime and boundaries around digital content consumption. Yet if done right, our children can be empowered to consume media wisely.

This webinar is all about creating a healthy, balanced relationship with technology that goes beyond mere rules and restrictions.

Participants will be equipped with skills to:

Establish positive digital habits as a family and enjoy meaningful offline experiences

Set clear and safe boundaries for screen time and online interactions

Navigate tensions and disagreement about screentime

* Available Funding:
This topic is available for funding under the collaboration with Infocomm Media Development Authority (IMDA) Digital for Life Fund*.

To be eligible for the subsided programme fee, the following requirements are to be met:

Minimum requirement of 20 parents in attendance on actual day.
Minimum requirement of at least 75% of participants to submit programme feedback form after attending the session

Details

Duration: 1 – 1.5 hrs

Delivery Format:
Talks can be conducted either onsite or online via Zoom

Have more questions?
Reach out to find out how you can bring this programme to your workplace or community!

ParentEd is a parent education initiative from Focus on the Family Singapore.

Playing to My Strengths As A Father

In today’s world, fathers are increasingly expected to play equal roles with mothers in terms of hands-on care. However, many of us grew up in an age where fathers played more traditional roles, leaving childcare mostly to the mothers. Lacking in role models from their own lives, some fathers may find it intimidating to bond with or care for their little ones, or even struggle to juggle both traditional and modern expectations of fathers.

As a father to two young children, I too have felt inadequate. I often compared myself with mummy, who seems to tackle modern motherhood effortlessly, whether it was bringing home the bacon, cooking, cleaning, or caring for the children. Her list seems infinitely longer than mine!

Though self-doubt continues to be a struggle, I have come a long way in building my confidence as a father. A time of personal reflection, as well as regular affirmation from my wife, has led me to realise that as a father, I play a unique and irreplaceable role in the family.

Here are some ways I have learnt to step up in my role as a father.

“Parents each have unique interests and personalities that can contributed to enriching our children’s development.“

1. Leverage one’s unique personality and interests

While it is good for parents to recognise our weaknesses and build on them, it should not blind us to our existing strengths. My wife and I have unique interests and personalities that have contributed to enriching our children’s development.

In terms of interests, my wife exposes the children to arts and crafts, cooking, and applies her experiences as an educator to help them learn subjects such as English. As for myself, I bring my sense of humour and creativity to playtime and storytelling, expose my children to mechanical and open-ended styles of play through toys such as Lego and Transformers, and introduce them to other interests like coffee-making.

Personality-wise, my wife brings more energy and spontaneity, and a sense of adventure to our outings together while I bring a tender love and warmth to our relationships, which creates an atmosphere of safety and acceptance in the home.

“Avoid unhealthy comparisons with other parents, and zero in on each other’s strengths and contributions to the family.“

2. Recognise that we contribute to the family differently

It is human nature to compare ourselves to others, especially in terms of performance and ability. While this can sometimes serve as a benchmark for growth, such comparisons can become toxic when we cling too tightly to unrealistic standards.

Rather than compete on who is the “better” parent at home, it has been helpful for my wife and I to take time to reflect and affirm each other – and ourselves! – on the different ways we contribute to the family.

For instance, my wife is better able to juggle the many tasks at home, spanning from household chores to caring for the kids. She is more natural at keeping the house looking fresh and homely, in part by keeping a lookout for good deals on household items. As an educator by profession, she keeps a better pulse on our children’s learning needs and school schedules. Finally, as the more adventurous parent, she keeps abreast of events and activities that the family can enjoy.

On the other hand, I am better at managing conflicts and meltdowns at home, whether it was between my wife and I or with the children. I am also good at giving the children undivided attention and tuning in to their interests and thoughts, which helps boost their confidence and self-esteem. Finally, I feel better able at guiding the family on making bigger decisions, such as career choices, choosing where to stay, which school our children should go, managing finances and big-ticket expenditures.

3. Surround yourself with resources and like-minded persons

Nobody wakes up as a competent parent from day one. Many skills that experienced parents demonstrate today are hard-won from experience or passed down from other parents. Similarly, I had to educate myself in the areas where I lacked. One key way was to leverage modern technologies to accommodate my busy lifestyle. For example, I follow parenting accounts on social media for bite-sized tips and tools which I can absorb on-the-go.

It is also important to get connected to gain support and learn from others. For example, we got connected with fellow parents of younger children and have regular get-togethers. This exposes us to various styles of parenting, while simultaneously helping us and our children to build lasting friendships. We are also members of online parenting groups where we regularly get advice from on a wide variety of parenting issues.

“Papa’s home!!”
Every day when I come home, my children shout for joy and run towards me for a giant bear hug.

This image of my children welcoming me home is seared in my mind and heart. It keeps me going as a father. I once thought that my role as a father was easily replaceable, but this could not be further from the truth; there is no replacement for the role that we play in our family.

To my fellow fathers, if you are struggling with self-doubt over your ability as a father, take heart: At the end of the day, our children do not want a different father, or a “better” father to be at the door. All they want is for their very own Papa to return home to them.

Mum, Here are 5 Signs You’re Being Too Hard On Yourself

We recently passed the halfway mark in 2023. Some people like to do a mid-term life review to ensure they are on track with their goals. Educational institutions have assessments or exams to evaluate their students’ learning.

Have you done a mid-year assessment of your role as a mother?

This may sound like a strange question to ask mothers, but if we care to admit, we are evaluating our “performance” more often than we realise. And the bad news is our self-assessment is often biased because as mums, we are our own harshest critics.

Here are five signs that we are too hard on ourselves.

1. We engage in unhealthy comparison

Comparison is a killjoy in parenting. Knowingly or unconsciously, we compare ourselves with other parents – in the areas of academic performance or in aspects that we or our children are weak in. Does the following inner dialogue sound familiar?

“Why can’t I be like Macy, she is so adept at juggling work and family life…she just got promoted and her children are doing so well in school. What’s wrong with me?”

2. We overlook the “little wins” in parenting

There is a good mix of bad days and good days for mothers. However, when we are hard on ourselves, we are less inclined to notice the significant moments. When our child shows kindness to a sibling, we take it for granted; when junior puts in the effort to study for exams, we are slow to affirm; instead, we emphasise to junior how much more can be done to do well.

3. We blame ourselves when things go south

There is a good mix of bad days and good days for mothers. However, when we are hard on ourselves, we are less inclined to notice the significant moments. When our child shows kindness to a sibling, we take it for granted; when junior puts in the effort to study for exams, we are slow to affirm; instead, we emphasise to junior how much more can be done to do well.

4. We frequently use negative language

Whether it is expressed verbally or an inner conversation, we are inclined towards negative self-talk.

“I am not good enough”, “I just can’t get everything right”, “I should have known better than to….”, “I am a bad mother.”

If any of these critical statements ring a bell, you are not alone. However, being overly critical of oneself can be unproductive and ineffective. It does not benefit anyone, much less our children, even if we are hard on ourselves and push ourselves to do better or to make our child behave.

5. We put self-care on the back burner

Our children’s needs often take centre stage and we are so focused on meeting their needs that we forget to care for ourselves properly. Truth is, we can provide the best care for our children when we first care for ourselves. Prioritising ourselves can make us more effective in our parenting and ultimately, happier as individuals.

One effective antidote to combat such self-defeating thoughts is self-compassion. So, what can we do to develop the art of self-compassion?

1. Embrace unconditional positive regard

Carl Rogers, a humanistic psychologist introduced the concept of unconditional positive regard as a key component in his person-centred approach to therapy. It involves showing care and prizing a person by unconditionally accepting whatever the person does or is feeling.

While unconditional positive regard is often associated with counselling, it can also be applied in other relationship contexts (e.g., parent-child, husband-wife).

We can apply unconditional positive regard to ourselves as mums too – accepting and valuing ourselves regardless of circumstances we face in our parenting.

2. Learn to silence the inner critic

- Find the belief statements to set off the negativity
  For example, it could be: “What’s wrong with me; I can’t get anything right as a mother.”

- Fix the critical script by challenging it
  Is it really true that you cannot get anything right? Even if you made many mistakes in parenting, there are instances where you have gotten things right. Recall those positive incidents instead of focusing on that one poor judgment call.

- Flip the self-defeating thought to a healthy or empowering belief
  For example, replace the negative statement with, “It is not true that I can’t get anything right as a mother. There are instances where I did the right thing. I wish I had made a better choice in this matter, but I can learn from it and exercise better judgment next time.”
  
  Silencing the inner critic takes time, patience, and practice. Do not lose heart if you do not get it right in the initial stage of practising this technique. Keep at it and you will experience a positive mindset change.

3. Prioritise your self-care

One of the best gifts we can give our children is a healthy and happy mother. So, make time to nurture ourselves through activities that strengthen the body, mind and spirit.

Parenting is hard work. While it is beneficial to reflect on our actions or take stock of ourselves to learn and grow, as mums, we often take ourselves too seriously and judge ourselves more harshly than we deserve.

Let’s learn to value and accept ourselves unreservedly and develop the skill of silencing our inner critic. What is one thing you will do today to be kind to yourself?

Growing Trust Through the Teenage Years

How do we build trust in our relationships with our children? How do you keeping trusting your kids after they’ve messed up? Is fear motivating you to control your kids’ behaviour?

As our children grow older and forge their identities through independence, it can be hard to keep the bond of trust. Yet we have to keep trying because trust in a relationship is what provides safety and respect.

Mother-daughter duo Jenni Ho-Huan and Abby share with us their stories and tips on how to cement their bond of trust.

Explain the ‘why’ behind the ‘what’

Time is needed to build trust. Abby, who’s in her third year of university, said that she learnt to keep trusting her parents through the repeated conversations they’ve had over the years.

“For example, when we were younger and Mum wanted us to do something like our 10pm curfew and I was like, ‘oh, my friends’ curfew is 11pm’, but Mum always explained why. It was never like ‘because I said so’ but they explained the why behind the what.”

The way her parents separated the issue from the person also helped Abby learn that being corrected does not mean her parents think badly of her as a person but instead, they were merely correcting the behaviour.

So, when trust is broken because of certain wrong actions, consequences are given through lots of thoughtful communication.

“So it’s not that you inherently are a bad child,” said the eldest child.

Jenni tries to have pockets of time daily to think through what she wants to say to her child and how to say it.

Pulling back and processing has helped her approach conversations clearly and intentionally so that it goes “better than me saying 10,000 things and none of them makes sense.”

Apologise when we get it wrong

Parents can also default to the mode of “we know better”. However, as our kids grow into teens, we have to help them grow by actually listening to them, giving weight to their opinions and apologising when we get it wrong.

Abby learnt how to apologise by watching her parents do so. She recalled, “Being willing to apologise is a big deal. One of my memories is when my dad got upset and I think he raised his voice and maybe I looked scared so he came to my room, apologised and explained why he got upset and how he felt. That set an example for me to own my mistakes.”

Learning to listen well also helps avoid incidents like this. As Abby shared, “[My parents’ willingness to listen] lets us have a space to share our own lives and it encourages us to share the things we are processing, our hopes and fears so that creates emotional intimacy. So even when it gets hard, there’s emotional reserves, and when conflict occurs or when push comes to shove, you still know your parents love you.”

Keep up the ‘communication habit’

According to Jenni, developing the “communication habit” to stay in connection with one another is critical.

“When the kids were small, there may be times when we have to intrude into their space and they may get irritated but you have to trust that your love is getting to them somehow. You have to make sure you get into the fray or you go back to the room to say I am sorry,” said Jenni.

She explained that it has to be a connection of the heart so that even as a child, they know we have their backs and are more open to communicate.

Jenni likens every year of parenting to be like reaching another “clearing in a forest” where you never been before, and it brings new things to talk about. So the intentional reaching out to connect has to be done constantly.

The mother of three, who’s also the author of a kids book named “Simple Tips for Happy Kids,” also consciously works on growing her own self-awareness and gaining clarity on what’s important.

“I have to be clear on what is important to me as a parent, what are my non-negotiables, realising my non-negotiables has to take into consideration that I am raising a child in a different generation, different context,” she explained.

Being aware of the different world our kids are growing up in will help us grow as parents while also communicating to our kids that we understand their world.

Develop situational awareness

Being aware of the different world our kids are growing up in will help us grow as parents while also communicating to our kids that we understand their world.

“These days, 10-year-old kids know about the war in Ukraine… last time, when we were 10, we were ‘blur blur’ but they have all these information to navigate and I think it can create this fog that makes it harder to connect. Sometimes it’s not that your child doesn’t trust you, but their world is a different world.”

Jenni advises that we continue pursuing their hearts even if they don’t seem receptive at first. We also have to be aware of our own fears and motivation.

We are capable of repairing our narratives so we can offer something more stable and hopeful for our family.

“All parents have irrational fears… we can imagine that one bad habit they are doing now is going to mark their lives.”

Jenni shared that these fears can propel us to be anxious, something she experienced herself with her son who did not thrive in the mainstream school system.

“The turning point for me was when I realised I was trying to over-plan his life too much. But my role is not to ensure his journey has no road bumps.”

So part of the journey of building trust with our kids is not letting our emotions push us to control their behaviour or the outcomes of their decision. As we grow as parents and put in the hard yards to communicate and connect in season and out of season, we can one day see the fruit of that bond of trust.

And even if you didn’t grow up with that yourself, be encouraged that you can still break the cycle to start a new story for your family.

As Jenni so wisely said, “We are capable of repairing our narratives so we can offer something more stable and hopeful for our family.”

Commentary: SexEd That Develops Sexual Intelligence in Youth

There has been much discussion about what kind of sexuality education youth should receive. More specifically, the question of whether they should be taught premarital abstinence or the use of contraception constantly comes under the spotlight, and these days, the debate has also turned towards the issue of consent and gender identity.

Some believe that youth should only be educated to reserve sexual activity for marriage, and worry that teaching young people about contraception would make them more likely to have sex prematurely (i.e. Abstinence-Only Sexuality Education). Others are of the opinion that youth are going to be sexually active anyway and must be guided on how to avoid out-of-wedlock pregnancy and protect themselves from sexually-transmitted diseases; thereby viewing abstinence-only education as unrealistic and out of step with the times (i.e. Safe Sex or Comprehensive Sexuality Education).

A thoughtful approach to this issue should take into foremost consideration the target audience of sexuality education: the youth themselves.

The developmental needs of youth

1. The youth brain needs time to be fully developed

Studies have shown that the human brain will only complete its development between the ages of 25 and 30. Our children thus do not yet have the neurobiological capacity to make fully mature or wise decisions until their mid-twenties, simply because their limbic system (the emotional brain) is much more developed than their pre-frontal cortex (the rational brain)¹.

In the face of emotions and desires that they experience powerfully during adolescence, teenagers are likely to not be able to accurately assess risks and anticipate the consequences of their actions². When they find themselves in emotionally charged situations, their more mature limbic system tends to win over their (presently) less developed pre-frontal control system, and this increases the likelihood of them engaging in risky behaviour³.

2. Youth need input from parents and trusted mentors

Due to their neurobiological development, young people need the help of parents and teachers or trusted adults to learn how to make rational decisions through repeated, clear and consistent guidance⁴. Parents, in particular, should be the primary people to teach their children sexuality education, according to their own family values (which includes faith traditions, if any). This is in line with one of the Ministry of Education’s 6 Guiding Principles of Sexuality Education⁵.

Parents have the best interests of their children at heart, understand what their kids are ready to learn about, and are best placed to initiate and sustain ongoing conversations with them on sexuality in the context of a safe parent-child relationship. Contrary to popular belief, in a local survey of 5,122 young people, around 80% of them cited that parents should be the primary source of sexuality education, above school (7%), the Internet (1%) and friends (1%), even though only 15% reported personally experiencing it⁶.

3. Youth need the good of peer influence

Peers can also have a significant impact on youth sexual behaviour—for good or ill. Studies have found that students with friends who use substances or alcohol tend to increase their use, but those who participated in peer-led programmes to reduce substance or alcohol use are more likely to decrease their use^{7 8}. The same applies to sexual behaviour. In fact, youth who perceive that their peers are engaging in sexual activity are more likely to do so themselves⁹, with their first sexual encounter happening at a younger age¹⁰. This link between youth’s perception of their peers’ sexual behaviour and their own sexual behaviour holds true, especially for boys, across different cultures¹¹.

Understanding brain development, it is not surprising that teenagers experience more social anxiety about feeling left out (in teen speak: “FOMO” or Fear Of Missing Out”) or not belonging, and they may behave in certain ways in order to avoid that feeling. As they become more self-aware at this stage, they also worry more about what others think about them, which can lead them to be more vulnerable to certain type of negative influences².

The need for youth-centric sexuality education

Since adolescents tend to find it more difficult than adults to make logical decisions in the midst of strong emotions and desires, how can sexuality education help young people avoid having their powerful sexual feelings lead them to make choices they later regret?

In view of youth’s developmental needs, the type of sexuality education that best serves them is one that can equip them — together with their community of peers — with age-appropriate information and handles. Youth-centric sexuality education should be geared toward developing sexual intelligence in young people, so that they are empowered to make smart sexual decisions that benefit them and others, both in the short-term and the long run. In fact, sexuality education that enables them to postpone their first sexual encounter to a later age, when they can fully understand the consequences of their decisions, would produce better outcomes for young people.

Teaching contraception and consent in sexuality education

Teach the realistic and holistic truth about condoms

Those who advocate teaching youth to use contraception are concerned about protecting them from sexually transmitted infections (STIs) and unintended pregnancies. Taking the most common contraception – condoms, how effective is this approach?

How effective are condoms?

There are, at best, conflicting findings on the effectiveness of condoms in preventing STIs and unintended pregnancies^{12 13}.

While correct and consistent use of condoms provides a high level of protection against most STIs, this is not typical of real-life situations. Condom usage errors, breakages and slippages are common worldwide, occurring in as many as 40% of sexual encounters¹⁴.

When it comes to HIV transmission, consistent condom usage with the same partner provides only around 71-77% protection¹⁵.

Because condoms cannot cover all infected areas of the body, they do not protect against STIs that spread through skin-to-skin contact, such as syphilis, herpes, human papillomavirus (to which the World Health Organization attributes nearly all cases of cervical cancer ¹⁶), genital warts, molluscum contagiosum virus, chancroid, etc.

While correct and consistent use of condoms are 98% effective in preventing unintended pregnancies, imperfect real-life condom usage yields only about 82–85% effectiveness. That means that there is around 15–18% pregnancy rate even with the use of condoms^{14 17}.

So will intentionally teaching youth how to use condoms ensure their consistent and correct usage, or does it have the unintended effect of encouraging them to engage in risky sexual behaviour due to their underdeveloped pre-frontal lobes? There is a phenomena called risk compensation: people tend to lower their guard and are more willing to engage in risky behaviour when they believe that their risk has been reduced by technology¹⁸. For example, people who use sunscreen tend to stay longer in the sun¹⁹ and traffic-related deaths increased after compulsory seatbelt laws were introduced²⁰. A feeling of one’s vulnerability being lowered leads to a rise in careless behaviour.

Similarly, sexuality education that has an emphasis in promoting condom usage can inadvertently increase—instead of decrease— sexual activity (including multiple sexual partners) and unprotected sexual exposure (due to inconsistent and incorrect, or “careless”, usage) among youth^{21 22}. It has been found that up to 1 in 3 young men in Singapore chose not to use condoms mainly due to the reduced pleasure they experienced²³.

In other words, sexuality education that focuses on contraception use, coupled with youth’s lower ability to assess risk accurately, can lead to youths:

having sex earlier
having more sexual partners
engaging in more risky sexual behaviour
experiencing an increased risk of contracting STIs
facing a higher likelihood of sex resulting in unintended pregnancies

On the other hand, there are those who advocate for sexuality education that excludes any mention of condoms, out of concern that teaching youths about condoms encourages them to have sex. We need to acknowledge that in this digital age when most youth can access all kinds of information from social media and online platforms that are hard to regulate or censor, it is highly likely that they would already receive some kind of information about condoms – whether or not it is accurate or holistic.

Thus, it is only responsible to fully inform youth of these facts about contraception:

Even correct and consistent usage do not guarantee 100% protection against STI transmissions or unintended pregnancies.
Imperfect condom usage is not uncommon, even among adults, so what more among inexperienced youth users who are already neurobiologically not as able to make fully rational choices, especially when they are caught up in the heat of sexually-charged moments.

This should cause us to rethink sexuality education that focuses on contraception use.

It is noteworthy that, instead of condom promotion, 150 global AIDS experts came together to advocate for an evidence-based approach to prevent HIV/AIDS transmission by adopting the A-B-C method: Abstain, Be faithful/reduce partners, use Condoms²², in that order.

Teach proper consent informed by values

Proponents of teaching youth how to use contraception in sexuality education often also advocate for consent education, especially given the recent rise of sexual assault cases in the news. Consent education assumes that when more young people understand what informed consent means and how to respect their partner’s verbalised boundaries, this will mitigate instances in which the sexual boundaries are coercively transgressed.

While teaching youth about informed consent is important, it is insufficient in itself.

A behaviour does not become beneficial to youth simply because all the parties involved consent to it. In the complex dynamics of relationships and real-life situations, it is not unthinkable to agree to something even against one’s better judgement. Considering adolescents’ (lack of) neurobiological capacity for making rational decisions, assessing risks and predicting the consequences of their actions as well as their anxiety-driven desire for acceptance and belonging, teenagers may all the more find themselves consenting to participate in something that is not objectively good for them nor for their partner.

Effective consent education thus needs to factor in an objective benchmark by which to assess whether a behaviour is positive or harmful—and that makes teaching of values an indispensable part of any sexuality education that considers youth’s holistic well-being. Sexual decision-making should include factual information about healthy emotional, physical and psychological boundaries, based on universal virtues of integrity, love and respect (for self and others) as well as character traits of self-regulation, responsibility and resilience. Furthermore, it ought to include parental rights to educate their children about sexual decisions and boundaries according to their family and faith values.

Teaching abstinence in sexuality education

1. Sexual abstinence is research-informed
What, then, is the more responsible approach: teaching youth risk reduction (until they have the ability to fully understand their actions) or risk elimination (given their current developmental stage)? An evidence-based youth-centric approach to sexuality education entails informing youth that abstaining from all sexual activity (until marriage) is the 100% safest and most effective way to protect themselves from the negative physical, emotional, and psychological consequences of adolescent sexual activity.

2. Sexual abstinence is responsible
At a time of their lives when young people are not yet fully capable of accurately assessing risk and anticipating consequences, they should be taught to avoid risk rather than to reduce risk.Intoxicated people are not completely able to make rational decisions because their executive functions have been impaired by the effects of alcohol. Is it safer for them—and others—to teach them how to wear seatbelts properly while driving (risk reduction) or to instruct them to not drive at all (risk elimination)? To be sure, they should be made aware of seatbelts, but the more responsible thing to do is to educate them to not get behind the steering wheel if they wish to drink. As adults—parents and/or educators—it is our responsibility to ensure our children/youth avoid sexual risk altogether. They are too precious for us to allow them to take a gamble with their lives and sexual well-being.

3. Sexual abstinence is relevant
As mental health challenges faced by youth in Singapore today are on the rise²⁴, abstinence has never been a more important and sexually intelligent choice for youth. It is not only a foolproof way to prevent STIs and pregnancies, it also safeguards young people’s emotional and mental well-being.

Sexual activity and mental wellness

Teenage sexual activity has been found to be an independent risk factor for developing poor self-esteem, major depression, and attempting suicide²⁵.
Compared to sexually abstinent girls, sexually active girls were three times as likely to suffer from depression and to have attempted suicide²⁶.
Compared to sexually abstinent boys, sexually active boys were more than twice as likely to suffer from depression and seven times more likely to have attempted suicide^ibid..
67% of girls and 53% of boys regretted becoming sexually active too early²⁷. Sexual regret has been associated with negative psychological outcomes, like loss of life satisfaction, loss of self-worth and depression²⁸.

The chemicals released in the brain during sexual activity create emotional bonds between sexual partners, and breaking these bonds can lead to depression and make it more difficult for them to bond with someone else, like their spouse, in future²⁶.

Despite divorce being on the rise, young people in Singapore still have high aspirations towards marriage and family formation with 83% indicating that they intend to marry²⁹ and around 35% citing getting married and having children as important life goals³⁰. Youth should therefore be informed that sexual abstinence until marriage can increase their chances of experiencing a better quality of life and stronger quality of marriage.

Sexual abstinence and future marriage

Compared to those who had sex with other people before marriage, men and women who only had sex with the person they married reported higher quality of marriage³¹.
For women, in particular, the more sexual partners they had before marriage, the less happy they reported their marriage to be^ibid.
Compared to couples who had sex early on in their relationship, couples who waited until marriage to have sex reported higher relationship quality and satisfaction, better sexual quality and better communication.³²

4. Sexual abstinence is realistic

There are some who find sexual abstinence an archaic concept and purport that teaching youth to abstain until marriage is unrealistic, whether because of hormones, family background, situational circumstances or previous experience. However, the facts suggest otherwise.

Well-designed and well-implemented abstinence education programmes have been found to result in delayed sexual initiation, reduced early sexual activity³³, and significant long-term decrease in teenage sexual activity³⁴
Sexually experienced young men in Singapore who went through an abstinence and safer sex intervention programme were twice as likely than those who did not attend the programme to report being able to exercise better self-control and abstain from sexual activity by practising the strategies they learnt²³.

Consistent with studies in America, a local study found that students in Singapore tend to overestimate their peers’ sexual permissiveness, with the sexually active students using this misperception of the prevalence of sexual activity among their peers to justify their own sexual permissiveness; actually, most respondents held sexually conservative attitudes³⁵. In other words, sexual abstinence may be more of a norm than we think and a more realistic expectation of youth sexual attitudes and behaviours.

Focus on the Family worldwide has in the past 2 decades reached millions with the A-B-C approach to sexuality education that emphasises and prioritises abstinence, and continues to be welcomed in communities by both youth and parents/educators. For youth who have been previously sexually active, helping them to live out a (re)commitment to sexual abstinence can be very empowering and provide a newfound sexual freedom.

Conclusion

In determining the best approach to sexuality education today, we need to evaluate what best develops sexual intelligence in our young. Sexuality education that is research-informed, responsible, relevant and realistic for youth is one that takes into account their developmental stage and needs, so that they can be given the best age-appropriate handles to make sexually intelligent decisions. It entails giving them the full information on abstinence, consent, and contraception, while teaching them to take the approach of risk avoidance or elimination. Such an approach ultimately conduces to the best outcomes for the short- and longer-term health and well-being of our children.

References:

The Primal Teen: What the New Discoveries about the Teenage Brain Tell Us about Our Kids (2004)
That teenage feeling (2007)
The adolescent brain (2008)
Abstinence education (2014)
Sexuality education: Overview
Whole Life Inventory (2016–2018)
Peer Participation in Project Northland: A Community‐Wide Alcohol Use Prevention Project (1994)
Peer acceleration: effects of a social network tailored substance abuse prevention program among high‐risk adolescents (2007)
Adolescent Susceptibility to Peer Influence in Sexual Situations (2016)
Perceived Peer Behavior and the Timing of Sexual Debut in Rwanda: A Survival Analysis of Youth Data (2004)
Meta-analysis of the relations between three types of peer norms and adolescent sexual behaviour (2014)
Abstinence education (2014)
Effectiveness of condoms in preventing sexually transmitted infections (2004)
Condom use errors and problems: a global view (2012)
Condom effectiveness in reducing heterosexual HIV transmission: a systematic review and meta-analysis of studies on HIV serodiscordant couples (2015)
Human papillomavirus (HPV) and cervical cancer (2019)
Condom Use by Adolescents (2013)
Rethinking AIDS Prevention: Learning from Successes in Developing Countries (2003)
Risk compensation: the Achilles’ heel of innovations in HIV prevention? (2006)
https://www.researchgate.net/publication/12648903_Condoms_and_seat_belts_The_parallels_and_the_lessons (2000)
Increasing condom use without reducing HIV risk: results of a controlled community trial in Uganda (2005)
The time has come for common ground on preventing sexual transmission of HIV (2004)
Randomized controlled trial of abstinence and safer sex intervention for adolescents in Singapore: 6-month follow-up (2017)
National Youth Council’s Y+ e-newsletter – Youths & Mental Health (2019)
Adolescent depression and suicide risk: association with sex and drug behavior (2004)
Hooked: New Science on How Casual Sex is Affecting Our Children (2008)
With One Voice 2012: America’s Adults and Teens Sound Off About Teen Pregnancy (2012)
Risky business: Is there an association between casual sex and mental health among emerging adults? (2014)
Marriage and Parenthood Survey (2016)
The State of Youth in Singapore (2017)
Before “I Do”: What Do Premarital Experiences Have to Do with Marital Quality Among Today’s Young Adults? (2014)
Couples who delay having sex get benefits later, study suggests (2010)
Abstinence Education: Assessing the Evidence (2008)
“Abstinence” or “Comprehensive” Sex Education?— The Mathematica Study in Context (2007)
Pluralistic Ignorance About Sex: The Direct and the Indirect Effects of Media Consumption on College Students’ Misperception of Sex-Related Peer Norms (2007)

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Conversations About Sex Need Not Be So Tough

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Why is Pornography So Addictive?

As is usually the case with all addictions, no one really starts with a plan to get addicted. It could be a case of curiosity, peer pressure, or stumbling upon something by accident.

We tend to associate addictions with the consumption of chemical substances, such as alcohol and narcotics, perhaps because the law draws clear and strict boundaries on their abuse. But studies are showing a new type of narcotics that is equally, if not more, potent: Pornography. According to a neuroscience study published by Dr Valerie Voon from the University of Cambridge, a brain imaging scan of a porn addict is strikingly similar to that of a drug addict’s. This should raise alarm bells for us parents.

There is no denying the powerful lure of and appetite for pornography, across all demographics. The explosive growth in revenue of the porn industry in the last decade testifies to this. So it begets the question, why is pornography so addictive? To understand this for the sake of our children, we need to get to the bottom of push and pull factors.

For Tween (10-12 years), Teen (13-15 years) and Emerging Years (16-19 years)

1. The pervasiveness of porn (pull)

To understand how pervasive porn is, we need to first know what it looks and sounds like. The common definition of porn, according to Merriam Webster dictionary, is: A depiction that is intended to cause sexual arousal or excitement. While it is subjective what exactly causes sexual arousal or excitement, we don’t have to look very hard to see that we are, in fact, surrounded by images, sounds, and messages that are consistent with the aims of porn:

An advertisement for Calvin Klein underwear at the mall.
A twerking performance on a display TV set in a common electrical appliance store.

If your child is plugged into the Internet, this prevalence becomes more pronounced. There are countless websites streaming pornographic content that are free for any user to access anonymously, without age restrictions.

Even if you have set up powerful filters on your child’s device, your child may know someone whose parents have not done the same and may be looking to share their unfiltered access with others. Regardless of one’s circumstances, the sheer prevalence of porn makes it challenging for anyone, not just our children, to resist the urge to indulge in it.

2. Our brain’s reward circuit (pull)

Do you know why it’s so hard to resist porn once you begin consuming it? This is due to dopamine, a neurochemical released in the brain that feeds our brain’s reward circuit and forms an addiction pathway that reinforces the behaviour over time.

“Think of the brain as a forest where trails are worn down by hikers who walk along the same path over and over again, day after day. The exposure to pornographic images creates similar neural pathways that, over time, become more and more “well-paved” as they are repeatedly traveled with each exposure to pornography.”
– Morgan Bennett, author of The New Narcotic.

An experiment carried out on a rat shows that when the brain’s reward circuit is hijacked by unusually elevated levels of dopamine, it will keep seeking the desired behavior (in this case, pressing the lever) at the expense of other needs such as food and mating.

Granted, humans are not entirely like rats. However, in both scenarios, the brain is wired to reinforce rewarding behaviors (such as eating and drinking) so that there is a higher chance of survival. This very same system unfortunately also works against us (in the form of addiction) if we subject it to an overstimulation of dopamine, which porn is very capable of doing.

3. Underlying issues (push)

Addiction usually masks underlying issues that are unresolved, such as childhood trauma, low self-esteem, loneliness, rejection and so on. We know that our children face multiple stresses in life, such as: difficulty making friends at school, being bullied, and struggling with learning.

These stressors can cause them to crave an escape, or a quick-fix to the negative emotions they are feeling, especially if they have not yet learnt healthy coping mechanisms.

Teenagers may experience this even more because of the life stage they are in – still figuring out their identity, dealing with hormonal changes in their body causing mood swings, and so on.

As dysfunctional as porn is as a coping mechanism, the instant rush of dopamine that comes with the activity is so rewarding that it keeps them coming back for more.

4. Tendency to keep it in the dark (pull)

The sense of shame that comes with porn use often keeps our children from talking to us about it. Yet, the more they choose to navigate this alone, the more likely they are to sink deeper into porn addiction.

On their own, they are simply no match for the brain’s hardwiring for dopamine. Without accountability and our loving support, they are more likely to relapse at some point, even if they were trying to put a stop to their porn use.

Add to this the permanence of pornographic images in our brain’s memory – unlike chemical substances, they cannot be metabolized out of the body’s system. These lingering images can continue to fuel the addictive cycle.

Let’s remind our children that we have their best interests at heart, and that they can come to us for help regardless of how big or complex their problems are.

Now that we have a better understanding of why pornography is so addictive, we can better position ourselves to defend their minds against it – by being a powerfully loving and supportive presence in their lives.

Conversations About Sex Need Not Be So Tough

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Redefine Success and Raise a Happier Child

The saying goes that in life, failure is guaranteed but success is not.

But is that true?

What if navigating failure well is actually the key to success?

“If success is the end goal and failure is not an option, then everyone who falls between the cracks will not be able to move on when things don’t go the way they planned it,” said life coach Matthew Zachary Liu.

In a 2019 global survey by the Organisation for Economic Cooperation and Development (OECD), Singapore students topped the globe in their fear of failure.

3 in 4 students said they are afraid of failure and 78% agreed that when they fail, it makes them doubtful for their future.

How can we help our youth overcome this stressful mindset? Drawing from his work with youth and families, Matthew shared some pivotal changes we can make.

1. Stop unhealthy competition

For our kids to overcome the fear of failure, parents must first evaluate if they too have the same fear and are stuck in a needlessly competitive mindset.

“The competitive nature of society in Singapore trickles down from parent to child,” said Matthew.

This can be seen in how parents even feel pressure for their toddlers to meet milestones for walking and talking and how they need to get their preschoolers to read and write. As the children grow older, this internalised stress to strive continues.

“Even if it’s not explicit, the kids feel like their parents want them to get a certain grade or go to a certain school,” he said.

So, parents, let’s be honest – Are you competitive about achievements because you believe success has to be defined by excelling in academics and milestones? Are you afraid of your kids being “left behind” when they don’t do well?

What can we do to stop unhealthy or excessive competition?

How we define success affects our relationship with our children.

2. Redefine success

Growing up with a Korean mother, Matthew shared that he had to deal with very high academic expectations throughout his childhood.

“For Koreans, things like university entry can be life and death so it’s another level compared to Singapore!”

He realised his mother merely adopted her own parents’ strict parenting style to mother him and challenges parents to re-evaluate how they parent.

This is especially vital since the narrative of success is changing for this generation.

Whereby a successful life previously meant pursuing careers in law, medicine and engineering, Matthew observed that our young generation now wants different career paths.

“A kid may want to be a YouTuber, which is now a viable career but the parent may not be able to accept it,” he shared.

Yet, even in schools, there is an increasing emphasis on acknowledging different strengths and passions. So, why are parents not also doing the same?

“What the schools are doing and what parents believe in need to meet in the middle. It’s shifting and parents need to evolve as well.”

How we define success affects our relationship with our children.

“If a child comes back from a test and didn’t do well and a parent’s reaction is, ‘I spent so much money on tuition, and you still didn’t do well,’ then children may learn to hide their failures because they feel like they have disappointed their parents.”

Such hiding of failures and mistakes is ultimately not helpful to the child or to the parent, as it may lead to the concealing of other behaviours in order to avoid displeasing their parents.

3. Partner to win

When parents use guilt, shame or anger to try to motivate their children, it pushes them away.

“You want the best for your kid, it’s perfectly valid but you need to ask them: What do you want and how can I help you? It’s a journey best taken together.

“If the child has a different definition of success and the parent has a different definition, but they know they have a safe place, they can meet in the middle and they will know that disagreements and failures are not the end of the road,” shared Matthew.

Sharing from his coaching experience, Matthew noticed that often, the happiest students are those with average grades but have consistent parental support at home.

“When I ask them ‘Hey, how are things at home?’, they often say, ‘Oh It’s good, my parents spend a lot of time with me.’ They grow up okay even though they are not the best students in school.”

However, on either end of the spectrum, he found that students with the worst grades are often not getting parental support and students with the best grades often spend most of their time in tuition and enrichment classes.

He described the latter group as “conditioned to be competitive and surrounded by high performers. If they don’t do well, they feel very embarrassed,” he added.

When parents use guilt, shame or anger to try to motivate their children, it pushes them away.

Partnering with our kids to win in life include developing an awareness of the messages our actions are sending.

Parental support remains a key last line of defence when things go wrong. “If our children don’t feel like they can come to us, then we have lost our position as a safe place for them.”

“If you decide to bring a child to the world, you need to commit the time,” said Matthew, “and the key is to start those meaningful conversations, even if you are not sure how.”

“Parents need to put down the phone and start talking. It’s practice, right? if you start, it gets better.”

“Home is where real conversations need to happen.”

If you have been finding your parenthood journey tough-going, and need some new tools to help build a stronger relationship with your child), reach out to us here.

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