Child’s Life Stage: Primary Schooler

Mum, Here are 5 Signs You’re Being Too Hard On Yourself

We recently passed the halfway mark in 2023. Some people like to do a mid-term life review to ensure they are on track with their goals. Educational institutions have assessments or exams to evaluate their students’ learning.

Have you done a mid-year assessment of your role as a mother?

This may sound like a strange question to ask mothers, but if we care to admit, we are evaluating our “performance” more often than we realise. And the bad news is our self-assessment is often biased because as mums, we are our own harshest critics.

Here are five signs that we are too hard on ourselves.

1. We engage in unhealthy comparison  

Comparison is a killjoy in parenting. Knowingly or unconsciously, we compare ourselves with other parents – in the areas of academic performance or in aspects that we or our children are weak in. Does the following inner dialogue sound familiar?

“Why can’t I be like Macy, she is so adept at juggling work and family life…she just got promoted and her children are doing so well in school. What’s wrong with me?”

2. We overlook the “little wins” in parenting 

There is a good mix of bad days and good days for mothers. However, when we are hard on ourselves, we are less inclined to notice the significant moments. When our child shows kindness to a sibling, we take it for granted; when junior puts in the effort to study for exams, we are slow to affirm; instead, we emphasise to junior how much more can be done to do well.  

3. We blame ourselves when things go south  

There is a good mix of bad days and good days for mothers. However, when we are hard on ourselves, we are less inclined to notice the significant moments. When our child shows kindness to a sibling, we take it for granted; when junior puts in the effort to study for exams, we are slow to affirm; instead, we emphasise to junior how much more can be done to do well.  

4. We frequently use negative language

Whether it is expressed verbally or an inner conversation, we are inclined towards negative self-talk. 

“I am not good enough”, “I just can’t get everything right”, “I should have known better than to….”, “I am a bad mother.”

If any of these critical statements ring a bell, you are not alone. However, being overly critical of oneself can be unproductive and ineffective. It does not benefit anyone, much less our children, even if we are hard on ourselves and push ourselves to do better or to make our child behave.  

5. We put self-care on the back burner

Our children’s needs often take centre stage and we are so focused on meeting their needs that we forget to care for ourselves properly. Truth is, we can provide the best care for our children when we first care for ourselves. Prioritising ourselves can make us more effective in our parenting and ultimately, happier as individuals. 

One effective antidote to combat such self-defeating thoughts is self-compassion. So, what can we do to develop the art of self-compassion? 

1. Embrace unconditional positive regard  

Carl Rogers, a humanistic psychologist introduced the concept of unconditional positive regard as a key component in his person-centred approach to therapy. It involves showing care and prizing a person by unconditionally accepting whatever the person does or is feeling.  

While unconditional positive regard is often associated with counselling, it can also be applied in other relationship contexts (e.g., parent-child, husband-wife).  

We can apply unconditional positive regard to ourselves as mums too – accepting and valuing ourselves regardless of circumstances we face in our parenting.  

2. Learn to silence the inner critic  

    • Find the belief statements to set off the negativity
      For example, it could be: “What’s wrong with me; I can’t get anything right as a mother.” 
    • Fix the critical script by challenging it 
      Is it really true that you cannot get anything right? Even if you made many mistakes in parenting, there are instances where you have gotten things right. Recall those positive incidents instead of focusing on that one poor judgment call. 
    • Flip the self-defeating thought to a healthy or empowering belief 
      For example, replace the negative statement with, “It is not true that I can’t get anything right as a mother. There are instances where I did the right thing. I wish I had made a better choice in this matter, but I can learn from it and exercise better judgment next time.”

      Silencing the inner critic takes time, patience, and practice. Do not lose heart if you do not get it right in the initial stage of practising this technique. Keep at it and you will experience a positive mindset change.  

3. Prioritise your self-care

One of the best gifts we can give our children is a healthy and happy mother. So, make time to nurture ourselves through activities that strengthen the body, mind and spirit. 

Parenting is hard work. While it is beneficial to reflect on our actions or take stock of ourselves to learn and grow, as mums, we often take ourselves too seriously and judge ourselves more harshly than we deserve.  

Let’s learn to value and accept ourselves unreservedly and develop the skill of silencing our inner critic. What is one thing you will do today to be kind to yourself?  

© 2023 Focus on the Family Singapore. All rights reserved. 

‘I Felt Like I’d Lost Myself as a SAHM’

Even though I was living my Stay-At-Home-Mum (SAHM) lifelong dream, I was losing sense of who I was.  

I had always wanted to be a SAHM because my mum was one. She was a very capable mum who did everything on her own, as my dad was often working late nights. I wanted to be like her.     

But when I found out about my first pregnancy, I was shocked. I couldn’t accept it. I was not ready to have a kid so soon, as we were only married for 6 months then. 

“All my dreams about spending time with my husband before kids came – travelling and haivng lots of freedom – were gone.” 

I cried and got angry at us.  

Things only got better when I first felt the baby move. It brought a whole new sense of wonder that there was a life within me, depending on me and connecting with me through all his movements. It was just amazing!   
  
This helped me come to terms with my pregnancy. When I delivered and could now put a face to my baby’s name, I was able to push on with the mentality that “Alright, I’m a mum. I’m going to be a SAHM.”  

However, this energy did not last very long.   

When my second child came along and we moved to our new home, I pushed myself very hard as the household depended largely on me. My sense of fulfilment was seeping away, drastically.  

My husband was often busy with work which left me alone at home all day. It was also too hard to bring my young boys out. I could not bring myself to give up staying home because this was what I said I had wanted.   

These thoughts were constant echoes in my mind:   

“I’m just a SAHM trying to run the household and parent the boys.”   
“I’m just a work machine completing the same daily routines.”   
“I’m just attending to everyone’s needs except mine.” 

“Although people told me that I was much more than that, I struggled to believe it.“

1. My very real struggles 

It came to a point where I was crying every week in the shower, wondering to myself if this really was all there is to being a SAHM? I cried out to God asking if motherhood was really meant to be this hard and without joy.  

I can coach, teach, and train my kids, but I really struggle with playing at their level. During pretend play, I found it hard to imagine a storyline and role-play with them. I was dead tired after one story, but they kept wanting more. I was overwhelmed with frustration as I felt I didn’t have enough rest to keep sane the next day and needed alone time to recharge.  

My reality seemed so different from some SAHMs who looked like they were winning at motherhood. I knew I needed help to break out of this dark hole — believing there were mums like me — but no one was talking about it. I desired to hear from these mums to learn perspectives and practical handles to cope.  

 Life had to go on and I was exhausted being stuck in a rut.

2. Opening up

I decided to share my struggles on Instagram in hopes others would open up as well. This gave me opportunities to meet with mums who resonated with my struggles. And I knew I was no longer alone.   

One of them shared that I was a stay-at-home-mum and not a butler. She asked, “Wanxin, you did everything like your mum, but are you a happy mum?” This stopped me in my tracks and helped me reframe being a SAHM. It should be about my kids and not the endless list of chores.   

Another mum shared that there is no fixed definition of how a mum should be, much less a SAHM, and I need to walk through this process and make this journey mine. While there is an overwhelming amount of information telling us the “correct” or “best” way to parent our children, it reminded me to be selective and see what fits my family, not the other way round.  

I also asked my mum one day, “How did you do it all back then?” It was their culture at that time to serve their in-laws and live with them. So partly, she had no choice but to do it. To my surprise, she mentioned that she enjoyed cleaning and scrubbing every tile and grout to perfection.   

My mum also said she regretted not having enough time with us. If she had the choice, she would have wanted to plan how much time to spend with us versus doing chores. I had misunderstood things all along… Cleaning to such high standards was her preference, not something I should expect of myself!  

Through these conversations, I’m slowly understanding the kind of mum I am.   

Gaining understanding of my own journey has put me in discovery-training mode now.

“I’m letting go of some expectations that I had placed on myself.”

3. Focusing on small wins

I’m learning to set goals and set aside time for myself. In the morning, I’ll change out of my pyjamas and dress in something I like. I try to eat, rest well and do what I enjoy (like pilates). I’m working towards finding more joy in this season I am in.  

I also affirm and encourage myself: You did well today. Your son needed to hear that, and you said that to him. You were very tired, but respected your body and didn’t force yourself to finish that household chore.  

I may not enjoy chores, but I enjoy cooking for my boys and feel appreciated when they say, “I love your food, Mama!” Now, I try to prioritise connecting and listening to what my boys are saying, and not get distracted. I’m working towards finding a balance between taking care of my family and myself, so that I can be a happy and fulfilled mum.  

If I could encourage myself today, I would tell myself: Motherhood is unique and personal, there is no mould to fit into — no comparison, no competition, no condemnation.   

© 2023 Focus on the Family Singapore. All rights reserved. 

Redefine Success and Raise a Happier Child

The saying goes that in life, failure is guaranteed but success is not.  
 
But is that true?  
 
What if navigating failure well is actually the key to success? 
 
“If success is the end goal and failure is not an option, then everyone who falls between the cracks will not be able to move on when things don’t go the way they planned it,” said life coach Matthew Zachary Liu.  
 
In a 2019 global survey by the Organisation for Economic Cooperation and Development (OECD), Singapore students topped the globe in their fear of failure.  
 
3 in 4 students said they are afraid of failure and 78% agreed that when they fail, it makes them doubtful for their future. 
 
How can we help our youth overcome this stressful mindset? Drawing from his work with youth and families, Matthew shared some pivotal changes we can make.

1. Stop unhealthy competition

For our kids to overcome the fear of failure, parents must first evaluate if they too have the same fear and are stuck in a needlessly competitive mindset.

“The competitive nature of society in Singapore trickles down from parent to child,” said Matthew. 

This can be seen in how parents even feel pressure for their toddlers to meet milestones for walking and talking and how they need to get their preschoolers to read and write. As the children grow older, this internalised stress to strive continues.

“Even if it’s not explicit, the kids feel like their parents want them to get a certain grade or go to a certain school,” he said.

So, parents, let’s be honest – Are you competitive about achievements because you believe success has to be defined by excelling in academics and milestones? Are you afraid of your kids being “left behind” when they don’t do well?  

What can we do to stop unhealthy or excessive competition?

How we define success affects our relationship with our children.

2. Redefine success 

Growing up with a Korean mother, Matthew shared that he had to deal with very high academic expectations throughout his childhood.  
 
“For Koreans, things like university entry can be life and death so it’s another level compared to Singapore!”  
 
He realised his mother merely adopted her own parents’ strict parenting style to mother him and challenges parents to re-evaluate how they parent.  
 
This is especially vital since the narrative of success is changing for this generation.  
 
Whereby a successful life previously meant pursuing careers in law, medicine and engineering, Matthew observed that our young generation now wants different career paths.  
 
“A kid may want to be a YouTuber, which is now a viable career but the parent may not be able to accept it,” he shared.  
 
Yet, even in schools, there is an increasing emphasis on acknowledging different strengths and passions. So, why are parents not also doing the same?  
 
“What the schools are doing and what parents believe in need to meet in the middle. It’s shifting and parents need to evolve as well.” 
 
How we define success affects our relationship with our children.  
 
“If a child comes back from a test and didn’t do well and a parent’s reaction is, ‘I spent so much money on tuition, and you still didn’t do well,’ then children may learn to hide their failures because they feel like they have disappointed their parents.” 
 
Such hiding of failures and mistakes is ultimately not helpful to the child or to the parent, as it may lead to the concealing of other behaviours in order to avoid displeasing their parents.

3. Partner to win 

When parents use guilt, shame or anger to try to motivate their children, it pushes them away.  

“You want the best for your kid, it’s perfectly valid but you need to ask them: What do you want and how can I help you? It’s a journey best taken together.  

“If the child has a different definition of success and the parent has a different definition, but they know they have a safe place, they can meet in the middle and they will know that disagreements and failures are not the end of the road,” shared Matthew.  

Sharing from his coaching experience, Matthew noticed that often, the happiest students are those with average grades but have consistent parental support at home.  

“When I ask them ‘Hey, how are things at home?’, they often say, ‘Oh It’s good, my parents spend a lot of time with me.’ They grow up okay even though they are not the best students in school.” 

However, on either end of the spectrum, he found that students with the worst grades are often not getting parental support and students with the best grades often spend most of their time in tuition and enrichment classes.

He described the latter group as “conditioned to be competitive and surrounded by high performers. If they don’t do well, they feel very embarrassed,” he added.  

When parents use guilt, shame or anger to try to motivate their children, it pushes them away.  

Partnering with our kids to win in life include developing an awareness of the messages our actions are sending. 
 
Parental support remains a key last line of defence when things go wrong. “If our children don’t feel like they can come to us, then we have lost our position as a safe place for them.”  
 
“If you decide to bring a child to the world, you need to commit the time,” said Matthew, “and the key is to start those meaningful conversations, even if you are not sure how.”  
 
“Parents need to put down the phone and start talking. It’s practice, right? if you start, it gets better.” 
 
“Home is where real conversations need to happen.”

© 2023 Focus on the Family Singapore. All rights reserved.

If you have been finding your parenthood journey tough-going, and need some new tools to help build a stronger relationship with your child), reach out to us here.