Child’s Life Stage: Preschooler

What to Do If Your Child Stumbles Upon Porn

As busy parents, it can be challenging to constantly supervise all of our children’s online activities. However, it remains all the more crucial to keep watch over our kids. In today’s digital age, it’s not uncommon for children to accidentally stumble upon inappropriate content online, including porn.  

If your child comes to you after chancing upon inappropriate content, it’s important to handle the situation with care and understanding. Here are some tips on how to manage such a conversation. 

1. Stay calm and composed 

Breathe. It’s crucial to remain calm and composed as our reactions will set the tone for the conversation and determine whether our children feel safe enough to come to us, when such incidents occur. 

2. Ask open-ended questions  

Ask open-ended questions to understand what they saw and how they felt about it. This helps in gauging their level of understanding and emotional state. 

Some examples of questions you can ask: What did the image or video show? How long did the video play for? How did it make you feel? 

A person’s private parts are meant to be kept private. If you see such images again, do tell mummy or daddy so we can keep you safe. 

3. Provide age-appropriate information 

Help your child process what they saw. Avoid giving too much detail but do be honest in order to build trust. 

If your child is a preschooler, and does not seem to remember or understand what they saw, avoid scolding or shaming them.  

However, emphasise that inappropriate content abound on the internet and boundaries will have to be set and adhered to, in order to keep them safe. Use statements like, “A person’s private parts are meant to be kept private. If you see such images again, do tell mummy or daddy so we can keep you safe.” 

If your child is in primary school, you should highlight the dangers of watching inappropriate material, including porn addiction and normalizing or mimicking the sexual behaviours they see online.  

For more handles on how to talk about porn, register to access our Talk About Sex Video Series. 

4. Reassure your child

Reassure your child that they are not in trouble and that it is okay to talk about anything with you. Let them know it’s a normal part of growing up to be curious and/or to have sexual feelings. 

5. Set boundaries for online safety

Use this opportunity to educate them about online safety and the importance of not sharing personal information or clicking on unknown links. Discuss and set rules of when and how your child can use mobile devices with internet connection. It is also a good idea to install parental controls on all devices in the home and use these tools to keep them safe. 

Creating a safe and open environment at home encourages our children to feel comfortable approaching us with any issues they encounter, whether online or offline. 

  • The Netflix hit series Adolescence raises important issues about what makes healthy masculinity. Empower your sons with strength of character, integrity and compassion with practical insights and actionable steps in our parent’s e-guide. Download it today! 
  • With increasing porn use and voyeurism, the rise of AI companions, and confusion over one’s sexual identity, how can we protect the next generation’s hearts and minds? Sow into a lifetime of healthy relationships and purposeful living for your youths. Register for the Healthy Sexuality Masterclass today. 

Positive Discipline: Why it’s Useful and 3 Ways to Practise it

The term “discipline” often brings to mind strict authority and punishment, shaped by our upbringing and culture.  

Yet, discipline is not the same as punishment. While punishment imposes consequences for undesirable behaviour, discipline guides individuals toward actions that benefit both themselves and others. 

Alicia Yah, a mother of four and a seasoned early childhood educator with over 23 years of experience, champions the approach of positive discipline. She believes a supportive, respectful environment is essential for nurturing children’s growth. 

“Positive discipline is a philosophy and set of practices that aim to teach and guide children by fostering a respectful and supportive environment,” Alicia explains. 

This approach contrasts with fear-based discipline, which is often associated with control through punishment. Alicia explains, “Instead of using punishment to control behaviour, positive discipline focuses on encouraging good behaviour through positive reinforcement, empathy, and setting clear and consistent boundaries.”  

While fear-based punishment may prompt quick compliance, positive discipline nurtures self-discipline and the internal motivation to do what’s right. Children learn responsibility as they are guided to understand and own their actions. This approach also builds trust between parent and child by fostering respect and open communication, rather than fear. 

Ready to start? Here are three principles for implementing positive discipline with your child: 

Enforcing boundaries calmly, without anger, keeps consequences from feeling punitive. Consistency builds a sense of safety and predictability. 

1. Establishing consistent boundaries 

Establishing consistent boundaries is essential as children develop their own understanding of limits and safety. 

“Children do not know where the boundaries are, and as parents, we need to guide and teach them,” Alicia said. She encourages parents to explain the consequences of certain actions rather than using punishment to enforce compliance. For example, saying, “If you run across the road like this, you could get hurt should a car hit you,” helps children understand why limits are important. 

Consistency is crucial. If we set a rule—for instance, turning off the television at a specific time—we need to follow through with any stated consequence if the rule isn’t respected. Enforcing boundaries calmly, without anger, keeps consequences from feeling punitive. Consistency builds a sense of safety and predictability. 

When boundaries are enforced with shouting or fear, it can signal to children that aggression is an acceptable response. Alicia reminds us to act as role models, and to be aware that our actions will shape our children’s behaviour.  

She also offers reassurance for those moments when we fall short and lose our temper. “As long as you want to connect with your child and make it right, we can be intentional to say sorry and try again. My encouragement to all parents is that we are not born ready-made parents; we will journey with our children. It’s okay for them to see us fail, as long as they also see our determination to return with greater resolve to parent well and be more patient,” she said. 

Hugs are often given in happy moments, but when a child is feeling low, that’s often when they most need comfort or assurance through a hug or a gentle touch. 

2. Connect before you correct

Some parents may worry that a respectful, connection-focused approach undermines their authority. In reality, maintaining boundaries while valuing connection fosters security and resilience in children. 

Power struggles can damage trust, so it’s helpful for spouses to support each other during challenging moments. Teaching children to “try again” after a mistake can also help. Alicia shared, “This is something that I do with my children—I ask, ‘Would you like to try again?’ Even my youngest, at four, can ask me that when I fall short, which signals to me that they are picking up this strategy as well.” 

When a child is upset, choosing not to mirror their frustration but staying nearby and being ready to connect can strengthen the bond. “Hugs are often given in happy moments, but when a child is feeling low, that’s often when they most need comfort or assurance through a hug or a gentle touch,” Alicia added. Hugging them when they have done something wrong communicates that you still love and accept them, even if you disapprove of their behaviour. 

Allow the child to calm down before addressing their behaviour. Prioritise connection over immediate correction, showing that you value them as a person, beyond correcting their actions.  

3. Co-creating solutions with your child

Once a child is calm, a collaborative approach can guide them toward understanding their actions and help them find alternative solutions. 

 “For example, if my child has shown inappropriate behaviour, after calming down, I might ask, ‘If you face this situation again, what would you do differently?’ Then, he can come up with a solution,” Alicia explained. “If the situation recurs and the solution doesn’t work, we discuss what went wrong and try again. This way, the child learns responsibility and knows that I am here to journey with them.” 

 As children grow older, involving them in co-creating solutions and boundaries not only builds their confidence but also shows that their ideas are valued. “The last thing we want is for our child to feel rejected or abandoned because of an inappropriate behaviour,” Alicia emphasised. 

Being a present parent means demonstrating consistency in our boundary-setting, maintaining connection, and engaging in co-creating solutions with our children. By embracing positive discipline, we empower children to grow and learn from their mistakes within a secure, loving relationship. 

5 Ways to Keep Your Kids Safe and Healthy Online

We live in a time where social media and short-form content are not just tools and sources of information, but a way of life. With the advent of AI chatbots and image generators, the online world presents as many dangers as benefits to our children. Here are 5 ways to keep them safe. 

1. Build in age-appropriate supervision

Before giving your child a mobile device with Internet access, think about the level of supervision and controls that are appropriate for your child’s age and level of maturity.  

Primary school-aged children (7 to 9 years old) 

  • As children of this age may not be aware of the risks of exploring the online world, we should consider adopting parental controls such as Google Family Link and Qustodio on our home computers and devices. 
  • At the same time, recognise that no parental control app is fool proof, so do keep an eye on children at this age whenever they have screen time.  
  • Children at this age do not need mobile phones. 

Tweens (10 to 12 years old) 

  • Tweens may begin using the Internet for schoolwork. So, we will need to have conversations about the work they need to do online and agree on the boundaries for use. 
  • Some tweens may ask to get a social media account because their friends have them but may not have the maturity to manage issues such as peer pressure and cyber bullying. 

 

Teen and late teen years (13 to 18 years old) 

  • As teens and late teens begin to utilise the internet for a variety of uses such as communication and homework, it may be impractical to maintain control simply through parental monitoring apps.  
  • Conversations and connecting with them over their hobbies and interests will begin to play a bigger role in understanding their needs and usage of screens. The goal should also gradually shift to helping them learn to self-manage their time and priorities.

2. Talk about the dangers and benefits

When we think ‘internet dangers’, the list seems to grow with each passing year. Recent issues like deepfake pornography, online bullying, and fake news are dominating the headlines. So, it’s important to lay out the potential harms that certain parts of the internet can inflict to children just starting to enter widespread internet culture and go over the ways they can safeguard themselves. 

3. Establish what’s good and what isn’t

When grappling with issues like body image, sexuality, and dating, it can be hard for your child to separate good ideas from not-so-good ones, especially when social media portrays a plethora of diverse views.  

Ongoing but small conversations can arm your child with the increasing ability to recognise safe and unsafe scenarios. 

Primary school-aged children (7 to 9 years old) 

  • Discussions with children from this age group should aim to protect them from common online threats such as online grooming, cyberbullying, and scams. 
  • Additionally, talk about online etiquette and digital literacy, such as how to differentiate between credible news sources and fake news or sensationalism. 

Tween years (10 to 12 years old) 

  • Tweens are at the beginning of their adolescent years and may be particularly susceptible to online/peer influences, so it is not helpful for them to be exposed to overly sexualised images. 
  • Conversations about the different forms of cyberbullying may come in handy, as well as a basic idea of gender/sexuality. 

Teen and late teen years (13 to 18 years old) 

  • Although teens are more independent and do not need, nor appreciate, our constant supervision, they still desire our presence, affirmation and attention. Use these years as an opportunity to share values about love and relationships with them. 

4. Build in-person connections

This one can be a little tricky, given the ubiquity of social media and that some people may genuinely find it difficult to make friends in real life. 

Social media tends to hide imperfections that children might’ve learned to accept if they met them in person such as acne, scars, or unusual talking habits.  

While you may not be able to control how physically social your child is, engaging with them in social activities such as sports, dinners or video games allows for meaningful dialogue between the two of you. Alternatively, facilitate parties/hangouts with his or her friends. 

5. Listen more than you speak!

Children are constantly growing, and the advice your child follows today may be questioned tomorrow.  

However, it’s still important that your child feels safe and accepted when they share their thoughts with you or seek advice from you—especially when they are discovering novel things on the internet that they might not be able to handle alone. 

Dominic Tan is a 17-year-old JC1 student in a local Junior College, who can be found sleeping, composing, and designing board games when he’s not busy studying for the exams.  

How can I Balance Discipline with Joy and Fun at Home?

Children thrive in an environment where discipline and warmth co-exist. Discipline sets the boundaries that tell them what they can and cannot do, while warmth gives them the security of their parents’ unconditional love. However, balancing these two characteristics of a calm and conducive home can be challenging at times, so let’s explore some ways to help us achieve this! 

The goal of discipline is to teach children what boundaries are, and a way to introduce action-consequence in their decision-making process. 

Training their minds through discipline 

Often, parents discipline to change or control negative behaviours. However discipline should be seen as a tool to train their minds. Before we dive in, there are exceptions where discipline must be effective in changing behaviours, for example, where safety is concerned. 

The goal of discipline is to teach children what boundaries are, and a way to introduce action-consequence in their decision-making process. As much as we hope that they would make the right choice all the time, we must also allow them to make mistakes and learn from them.  

For example, my son insisted on having chocolates for snacks 5 days in a row. I told him how it would make him sick, but he still chose to eat them and true enough, he fell sick at the end of the period. That was the first and last time he ate chocolates for 5 days straight. The process of seeing him make this decision was hard and I knew exactly what was coming, but I knew that he had to go through it to truly learn this lesson.  

When we understand that the purpose of discipline is beyond just controlling their behaviour, we are able to execute it in a manner that facilitates effective learning.  

When our children trust our words and understand that their behaviour does not affect the way we love and accept them, their obedience is driven by love. 

Discipline must be built upon trust 

The foundation of effective discipline is a trusting relationship between the parent and child. A relationship without trust is largely driven by fear. We need to be careful as we train our children up, that their obedience is driven by love and trust, not fear.  

When our children trust our words and understand that their behaviour does not affect the way we love and accept them, their obedience is driven by love. However, if our children see their behaviour as a means to earn our approval, then they will obey out of fear and a desire to continually please us. In the long run, we risk losing intimacy in our relationship with them while trying to teach them. 

Change begins with us when we learn to empathise with our own parenting mistakes and show ourselves grace. 

Words matter 

In the process of disciplining our children, our words matter. As we teach them about right and wrong, we should never attack or make presumptions about their character with our words.  

Even when they have made a mistake, we need to learn how to come alongside to empathise with them and show them grace. This is easier said than done, especially when we were never brought up this way. However, we can take heart: Change begins with us when we learn to empathise with our own parenting mistakes and show ourselves grace. 

The guiding principle which I rely on is that we prize the person over the matter. 

Rules can be bent when… 

While we try to be consistent in holding out our boundaries and enforcing the rules that we set, sometimes we may find ourselves in situations where we feel unsure. There is a lot of fear when it comes to bending our rules because we don’t want to start something we cannot manage eventually. We fear that if we were to give in once, our very clever and observant children will pick it up and bargain for more. Where should we draw the line? 

The answer is: It depends.  

Rules are a guideline for our kids to understand structure and expectations in our homes. There is a place where rules must be enforced regardless. For example, we do not condone violence in our home, and there cannot be any compromise in such matters.  

However, when it comes to things that are more subjective, such as screen time, staying over at a friend’s house, it really depends on the situation. The guiding principle which I rely on is that we prize the person over the matter.  

We can make exceptions if it helps to build trust between us and our child, or if we see that giving it as a one-off treat would really make a difference. For example, if your child is graduating and there is a sleepover at a classmate’s house, there can be room for negotiation as to what is allowed and strictly not. This helps our children understand that we care about what they think and feel as well. 

All we need is just a little imagination. 

Fun and joy bind it all together! 

There is just something magical about children having lots of fun and joy in the home. Maybe it speaks of how they really love their home, or it may reflect how closely knitted our family relationships are. Creating a home that is vibrant and filled with fun and laughter amidst structure and discipline may sound daunting (or impossible!) but here’s the secret: It’s in the little things! 

We can always spice things up by changing the way things are done. Adding a little plot to the mundane routines can make things way more enticing and exciting than we can ever imagine. I remember it was probably the third time I was packing the house and I was getting frustrated that the boys were oblivious to the mess. I knew that I did not want to do it alone, neither did I want to hear any more grumbling from them about packing their toys.  

So I put on my story-teller’s hat and told them that we needed to use our superpowers to save the toys from being eaten up by the vacuum cleaner. We all claimed our superpowers (sorting, re-arranging, lifting, etc) and kept the toys under record time that night. We even came up with our own tagline, “We are the best toys defender in town!” 

Fun and joy are as important as routines in a home, they are like the cream between the sponge layers. They bind everyone in the family together and are a strong motivation for our children to work with us and sometimes, things get done faster!  

All we need is just a little imagination. To create a balanced environment takes effort and intentionality, but start with the little things and implement one change at a time. You may not always be successful at the first try, but practice makes progress! Have fun! 

5 Ways to Build a Strong Family while Balancing Work and Studies

Last week, I found myself overwhelmed by a major work project. We had to set up engagement meetings for a launch next year, and I was also juggling final assignments for my semester—one on a complex topic I wasn’t familiar with.  

 On top of that, I was in the midst of applying for practicum sites for my counselling studies, while balancing time with my wife and young children at home. 

 Many readers may relate to the challenge of balancing multiple responsibilities. Some thrive on it, while others feel stretched, wondering if they’re doing enough for their families. Here, I share 5 lessons that have helped me find stability and purpose, even during life’s busiest times. 

“Strong family bonds are built through the daily practice of presence: being attentive to each other’s needs, taking a sincere interest in one another’s lives, and speaking each other’s love languages.” 

1. Prioritise building strong family bonds  

I believe in the power of strong family bonds. Healthy family relationships provide essential emotional support, offering warmth and security that few other things in life can match. 

Strong family bonds are built through the daily practice of presence: being attentive to each other’s needs, taking a sincere interest in one another’s lives, and speaking each other’s love languages. I’m grateful for how my wife listens to my frustrations, and I make it a point to do the same for her. During last week’s stressful period, her understanding gave me the perspective and strength I needed. 

Parenting can also be surprisingly comforting. Although it takes time and energy, our children’s affection can bring joy and ease our tensions. My son’s little notes, hugs, and gifts remind me of what truly matters in life. 

2. Extend support beyond your family 

These principles for building strong family connections can be extended to friendships and workplace relationships. Friendships, whether at work or elsewhere, can offer us support, especially in challenging times.  

Beyond our peers, open and respectful communication with our supervisors also fosters a healthy work environment. Last week, a helpful conversation with my supervisor gave me the support I needed on a project, and allowed me to deprioritise tasks that didn’t serve my goals. This freed my time up for other equally meaningful pursuits at home and in my studies. 

“Family remains a priority, and I set aside time and energy for their needs, even if it means scaling back on other ambitions.” 

3. Let go of perfection 

When we juggle multiple responsibilities, it’s unrealistic to expect a perfect outcome for every task. For instance, I learned that achieving straight A’s in my postgraduate studies wasn’t feasible while managing other commitments. Similarly, expecting endless emotional availability from myself or my family wasn’t reasonable, so I had to extend grace to my family members (and similarly receive the same from them too). 

 

4. Set realistic goals to prioritise what matters 

Adjusting our expectations is key to managing stress during intense periods at work and school. While excelling in our careers and studies is important, we should avoid compromising our core relationships in the pursuit of achievements.  

Knowing my values and committing to them helps me find balance. So for me, family remains a priority, and I set aside time and energy for their needs, even if it means scaling back on other ambitions at work and in my school.  

Ironically, releasing myself from the pressure to excel academically has improved my performance, as I became less anxious and more focused. 

As the founder of Rational Emotive Behavioural Therapy, Albert Ellis, once said, “People tend to disturb themselves with their ‘Should’s and ‘Must’s.” By letting go of unrealistic expectations, we can focus on what truly matters and develop greater resilience for life. 

“Ignoring our needs at the expense of meeting the needs of others will lead to exhaustion, making us more prone to mistakes and burnout during busy seasons.” 

5. Tend to our own needs 

Perhaps the most challenging aspect of balancing life’s demands is ensuring our own needs are met. We wouldn’t expect a car to carry passengers and baggage if it’s out of fuel, yet we often overlook our own “fuel tanks.” Ignoring our needs at the expense of meeting the needs of others will lead to exhaustion, making us more prone to mistakes and burnout during busy seasons. 

How do we know if we’re meeting our needs effectively? William Glasser, the founder of Choice Theory, identifies five basic human needs: 

i. Love and belonging: The need for connection, affection, and acceptance from others. 

ii. Power: The need for achievement, competence, and recognition.   

iii. Freedom: The need for autonomy and the ability to make choices. 

iv. Fun: The need for enjoyment, play, and creativity.  

v. Survival: The basic need for physical health, safety, and security.  

 

Checking our need-o-meter can serve as a reminder to care for ourselves. We may start small, like rewarding ourselves with a nice meal after a busy week (meeting our fun and survival needs) or seeking alignment between our career and personal strengths (meeting our need for power and freedom). 

Remember, balance requires flexibility. By periodically assessing and meeting our needs, we can handle life’s demands with greater purpose and intentionality. 

 In season and out of season 

Nature teaches us valuable lessons about balance. Just as fruits thrive in their own seasons, and climates shift throughout the year, our lives also cycle through seasons of activity and rest.  

 We can’t sustain peak performance indefinitely without risking our most important relationships and well-being. Let’s prioritise what truly matters, invest in our support systems, and give ourselves the grace to adapt to life’s changing seasons. This way, we can emerge from each season with renewed strength and insight. 

Why are Boys’ and Girls’ Bodies Different?

Early years (0-3 Years) 

It is important that we teach our children from the get-go not to be ashamed of their own bodies. One way of doing this is to label body parts with proper terms, not nicknames. Teach your toddler that certain areas of their bodies are private and should not be shown or touched by anyone else other than trusted caregivers; even then, only under specific circumstances like shower time.  

If you have small kids of different sexes at home, there may be situations where your kids are in the shower together or the older child watches you change diapers of the younger. If they raise questions about the difference in anatomy, you can explain that boys and girls have different body parts because we were made to be different.  

You may think this is a small thing, but you are actually laying a foundation for open communication in your family about sex and relationships.   

Preschool years (4-6 Years) 

As they start pre-school and their world expands, your child may ask about body differences between boys and girls. Their language ability increases rapidly during this stage, so continue to use proper names.  

 While our children can be full of curious questions, their cognitive ability is still developing so keep your answers short and simple. Approaching it from science, you can point out that our bodies have different functions. For example, women have breasts that can provide milk for babies and their wombs are made for growing babies. 

 At school, they should also be taught to respect each other’s privacy when going to the toilet and during shower time. On your part, teach them the concept of self-respect which includes knowing how to protect their modesty, and how to say no to hugs or requests that make them uncomfortable.  

You may also want to take the opportunity to correct any unhelpful stereotypes your child might have picked up, e.g., “Boys cannot wear pink” or “Girls should not play soccer”.  

 We want to encourage the development of our children’s individual identity and interests, and help them grow to their full potential. 

Continue emphasising that their private areas are private, so no one else should ask to touch or see them. 

Primary years (7-9 Years)

During the primary years, you can share more information about body differences as their thinking becomes more sophisticated. An easy way to do so is to look for a biology book with clear anatomical diagrams and explain what goes on inside our bodies in those parts that look different. 
 
Depending on your child’s maturity, you also may want to start introducing the word “sex” in your talks since it’s a word that they will probably hear about soon. You can explain that boys produce something called sperm in their bodies and women produce eggs called ova. When these two get together, that’s when there is a chance that a baby can be made! If you have a daughter, this is also a good age to start talking about puberty and periods.   
 
Continue emphasising that their private areas are private, so no one else should ask to touch or see them. As they grow and regardless of their sex, seize teachable moments to talk to them regularly about body safety and modesty.  
 
In a few short years, your child will be undergoing puberty and may become more self–conscious about their bodies. To prepare them for that teenage introspection, it is vital that we help him or her build a healthy body image. So, let’s celebrate their uniqueness and affirm their natural beauty.  

Conversations About Sex Need Not Be So Tough

Research shows that when parents engage their children in topics on sexuality, their children grow to make wiser choices in relationships and sex. To help you overcome your fears in broaching the topic, we have designed a Talk About Sex video series specially for parent and child (aged 7-12) to enjoy, engage with and learn together!
Find out more

Kids Who Do Good Feel Good: How Volunteering Boosts Kids’ Happiness

Volunteering is often thought of as an adult responsibility, yet involving children in acts of service can bring lasting rewards that go far beyond the moment. For many families, giving back together not only strengthens bonds but also nurtures empathy, character, and a sense of purpose in young hearts.  

Read on to discover how three families—Ee Jay, Clement, and Daryl and Melissa Sung—began their volunteering journey and how the experience has enriched their children’s lives. 

The spark of inspiration 

A person holding a plastic toy Description automatically generated with medium confidence

Ee Jay’s mother fixing a figuring as gift for donors. Photo courtesy of Ee Jay.


For Ee Jay, a dinner conversation with his familysparked an idea for an intergenerational project that would unite his mother, son, and himself around a common cause. 

“I saw my mum’s passion for making miniature figurines and thought, why not use that for good?” Ee Jay said. What started as a simple family activity led to a crowdfunding project where these figurines were given to donors as appreciation gifts. Soon, Ee Jay’s young son joined in, turning it into a meaningful family activity.  

“Working on this project together allowed me to spend more time with my mum and son, and it taught my son, Daniel, the importance of doing something for others, beyond just focusing on what he wants,” added Ee Jay. 

Similarly, Clement Cheong and his family were inspired by an event hosted by Focus on the Family Singapore, where they saw volunteers giving towards a common cause. This shared sense of purpose resonated deeply with them. “We wanted to give back as a family,” Clement explained.  

The Cheong family’s first major project was a flag day, where the children chipped in to collect donations, even though it was a hot day. It was a lesson in resilience as they persevered despite the weather, experiencing first-hand the hard work that is often involved in serving others. 

For Daryl and Melissa Sung, family service became a priority during the COVID-19 pandemic. “We wanted to make acts of service one of our core family values, and the pandemic gave us an opportunity to do it more intentionally for other families,“ Melissa said.

Their daughters helped in various activities, such as baking cookies for fundraisers and assembling gift items. These experiences laid the foundation for important life lessons in teamwork and responsibility. As Daryl puts it, “What better way for children to learn teamwork than for them to understand that their first team is their family. And for them to learn to serve together with their family.”  

My children now realise not everyone has the same privileges, and they’ve learned to listen more and judge less. 

Learning life lessons together 

Volunteering as a family offers a wealth of lessons.  

Clement’s children learned a lot about empathy through their experiences. Meeting people from diverse backgrounds taught them to see life from different perspectives. “My children now realise not everyone has the same privileges, and they’ve learned to listen more and judge less,” Clement reflected. This new understanding has given them a more compassionate outlook, especially towards friends who may come from different family situations. 

 No photo description available.

The Sung Family. Photo courtesy of Daryl.


For Daryl and Melissa’s daughters, volunteering was an exercise in patience and commitment. While they enjoyed activities like baking, the repetition sometimes led to fatigue. “They learned that volunteering is not a quick task—it requires dedication,” Melissa explained. Through discussions about the purpose of their efforts, the children understood that their work was part of a larger cause, helping them value their contributions more deeply, and to persevere when they were tired, because “the end product [is more than just selling cookies or writing cards], but the funds they raise is to benefit the lives of other families.

Overcoming challenges as a family

A group of people posing for a photo Description automatically generated
Clement volunteering with his family at a Focus on the Family Singapore event. Photo courtesy of Clement.
 
Volunteering as a family isn’t without its hurdles. Ee Jay’s family had to coordinate schedules across three generations and face the challenge of producing detailed and quality figurines that could be used as a gift for donors.  
 
Similarly, Clement’s family encountered moments of frustration due to clashing personalities. “At times, we focused on what each other couldn’t do instead of what we could bring to the table,” Clement shared. But by learning to appreciate each other’s strengths and weaknesses within the family, they turned these challenges into opportunities for growth. 
Through this project, I discovered stories about my mum that I never knew. I cherish my family even more now. 

The lasting rewards of serving together

The rewards of family volunteering have left each family richer in experience, closer in connection, and more appreciative of each other. Ee Jay shared that the time spent together allowed him to see new sides of his mother and son. “Through this project, I discovered stories about my mum that I never knew,” he said. “I cherish my family even more now.” 

For Daryl and Melissa, the unity and teamwork developed through service have deepened their family bond. Their daughters have learned to appreciate their blessings and understand the importance of giving back. “They now feel a strong sense of accomplishment in contributing to others,” Melissa observed. The family has emerged with a stronger sense of connection and purpose, and has learnt to look beyond the needs of their own family to consider others and how they can be a blessing to them. 

It’s in these shared experiences that families bond, grow, and create lasting memories. 

A call to action for families 

The stories of Ee Jay, Clement, and the Sungs illustrate how family volunteering can create cherished memories while imparting life-long skills. Volunteering doesn’t just change communities; it changes families. Yes, challenges will arise, but as Ee Jay wisely said, “The rewards outweigh the inconveniences.” 

For families considering this journey, remember that giving back doesn’t have to be perfect, and it doesn’t have to be grand. Start small, involve everyone according to their abilities, and be patient with the process. It’s in these shared experiences that families bond, grow, and create lasting memories. 

So, to all families reading this: Take the leap. Find a cause, make a plan, and dedicate time to give back together. Let your children see the impact they can have on others, and watch as they learn lessons of empathy, gratitude, and responsibility. Volunteer as a family, and give your children the gift of compassion that will serve them—and the world—for a lifetime. 

We hope that the stories of these three ordinary families have inspired you to make a difference. If you and your family wish to embark on a meaningful journey of giving this holiday season, you may do so here, or connect with us at Relations@family.org.sg 

Explaining Sex and Gender to Kids

In a world where the sex and gender binary is being challenged and transgenderism is being presented as a cool fad on social media, parents may find themselves dumbfounded when encountering challenging questions from their children.   

What makes someone a male or female? How do I know if I’m not a female stuck in a male body? How do we start having these conversations with our kids? 

Amid the growing confusion about biology, sex and gender, it’s important to get the facts straight.  

Sex is binary, >99.98% of the time  

As far as biological sex goes, sex is binary and not a spectrum. Over 99.98% of people can be accurately categorised as male or female, based on their physiology, hormones and chromosomes.  

For most people, these three indicators are aligned, and sex is unambiguous. 

Indicators Male Female
Physiology
(reproductive organs, body shape, etc) 		Testes, penis, facial hair, more muscle mass, deeper voice pitch etc Ovaries, uterus, vagina, breasts, wider hips, more body fat, higher voice pitch etc
Hormones Much higher testosterone levels than females Much higher estrogen and progesterone levels than males
Genetics
(chromosomes) 		XYXX

Only in very rare cases is sex ambiguous, falling into the category of “intersex”. Some examples of these are people who present with both types of genitalia (but with all other indicators showing either male or female), males with very low levels of testosterone, or females who embody cells with XY chromosomes – but these are the exception rather than the norm. 

Maleness or femaleness is not limited to the reproductive organs — sex chromosomes are expressed in every single cell of our bodies — in other words, all cells have a sex. (See: Exploring the Biological Contributions to Human Health: Does Sex Matter?) 

In a biological sense, you are either male or female, for more than the vast majority of people. 

Understanding gender 

For a long time, people thought of “gender” as being synonymous with “sex”. However, over time, “gender” has evolved to be understood as a social and cultural construct. 

The World Health Organisation defines gender as “the characteristics of women, men, girls and boys” including “norms, behaviours and roles associated with being a woman, man, girl or boy, as well as relationships with each other.” 

It is said that boys and girls are brought up within societal and cultural expectations according to their gender. Boys, who are seen as the protectors, are given guns and swords to play with while girls, who may later bear children and make a home, are made to wear dresses and play with tea sets and dolls. 

There are general masculine traits (males tend to be more risk-taking, dominant and aggressive, etc) versus feminine traits (females tend to be more nurturing, emotional and sensitive, etc). Studies show that these broad characteristics and behaviours of each gender may be fuelled by sex differences in the brain and genetic make-up.    

However, both males and females can display masculine as well as feminine traits to varying degrees. Each person has a unique personality and cannot be forced into a single mould.  

 Instead of categorising people according to gender stereotypes, which is not helpful, it is better to identify positive or negative traits. For example, decisive leadership is good for the thriving of society, but violence, bullying and harassment are not. Caring for others and fostering community through friendship is positive, but gossiping, being passive-aggressive and manipulative are not.  

 There is a growing narrative today that people can assume the gender they identify more with – who they “feel” they are – rather than who they actually are. However, as parents, we should ground our children in truth – which is not based on feelings but on reality.  

 When do we start these conversations?  

When speaking about complex issues with our children, it’s important to think about their age, maturity and ability to grasp such concepts.  

Preschool years (4-6 Years)

Around the preschool ages, we can talk about the differences between male and female bodies, for example during bath time.  

Children are naturally curious at a very young age and may have questions such as, “Why do you have breasts and daddy doesn’t, mummy?” To which we can answer, “Women have breasts and men do not. When women get pregnant and give birth, their breasts start to produce milk so that they can feed their babies.”  

Primary years (7-9 Years)

During the lower primary schooling years of seven to nine, we should ideally begin to talk about sexual reproduction and how males and females complement each other in a healthy society. 

 

Your child may have questions after chancing upon a social media post on transgenderism. These are teachable moments that provide opportunities for us to have a meaningful dialogue with our children. 

Tween years (10-12) 

More in-depth conversations regarding sex and gender can begin during the tween years when children start to have the maturity to grasp more difficult concepts and topics, using the pointers given above. 

Very often, it is an unexpected event that sparks these conversations and we are caught unaware. Your child may have questions after chancing upon a social media post on transgenderism, or peers may have talked about having pronouns at school. These are teachable moments that provide opportunities for us to have a meaningful dialogue with our children.  

Children are starting to explore questions on gender identity at a younger age, but it is unusual for them to be initiating such topics on their own, and is usually the result of social media or peer influence.  

It is important that we watch over our children’s media consumption, while ensuring that our attachment with our kids remains secure. This will help us retain our influence over our children.  

Perhaps it is not so much how we talk about sex and gender, but how we respond to our children’s personality, behaviour and expression that speaks the loudest.  

True acceptance and affirmation  

Perhaps it is not so much how we talk about sex and gender, but how we respond to our children’s personality, behaviour and expression that speaks the loudest.  

Accept and affirm them in their biological sex, gender and personality, instead of making them conform to stereotypes. There are sensitive boys who cry easily when hurt and girls with natural leadership gifts who like to take charge. Affirm them in their uniqueness: “You are a sensitive person who cares about others and helps people,” or “You are a strong leader.”  

Allow them to discover themselves through their interests — whether it be boys wanting to learn ballet or play with doll houses (who will hopefully grow to help with the domestic chores), or girls wanting to pursue archery or bodybuilding.  

Instead of thinking of gender as being on a spectrum, we can ponder how each person is unique and colourful in their combination of interests and personality.  

As parents who have cared and loved our children since they were born, we should be unashamed in affirming them, advocating for them and accepting them for who they are — male or female.  

Conversations About Sex Need Not Be So Tough

Research shows that when parents engage their children in topics on sexuality, their children grow to make wiser choices in relationships and sex. To help you overcome your fears in broaching the topic, we have designed a Talk About Sex video series specially for parent and child (aged 7-12) to enjoy, engage with and learn together!
Find out more

The Preschool Parenting Playbook

Being a father has been one of the most fulfilling roles of my life. I cherish the relationship I have with my two kids, and take pride in seeing them grow and mature. Along this journey, I’ve had to think creatively and develop strategies to navigate challenging moments. Each breakthrough left me wishing, “If only I’d thought of that sooner!” 

In my parenting journey, I’ve learned that more knowledge goes a long way. This article shares tried-and-tested strategies I’ve used to help my family manage the challenges of early childhood development. I hope this list inspires you to design your own parenting playbook—strategies for each tricky situation you may encounter. 

‘Connection before correction’ encourages parents to understand what their child is going through before correcting their behaviour.

Important caveats before we begin 

  1. Be kind to yourself: No parent or child is perfect. The goal is to make gradual improvements over time. There will be days when both parents and children give in to big feelings due to transitions, illness, tiredness, stress, and more. Being kind to ourselves helps us stay refreshed, recover better from rough patches, and maintain a growth mindset needed to refine our parenting strategies continually. 

  2. Check on their H.A.L.T.: In challenging moments, mentally run through whether your child is Hungry, Anxious, Lonely, or Tired (H.A.L.T.). Young children often cannot articulate physical or emotional discomfort, resulting in emotional outbursts and challenging behaviours. Meeting your children’s H.A.L.T. needs can often soothe them in the moment. 

  3. Connection before correction, correction after connection: “Connection before correction” encourages parents to understand what their child is going through before correcting their behaviour. Connection is built daily by being present, giving full attention, and ensuring children feel heard. After connecting with your child, remember to correct their behaviour too. While discipline and guidance may feel unpleasant at times, they help children build relational skills and social awareness through developing sound values and consideration for others. 

 

The approaches below provide practical handles and are generally more appropriate for toddlers and preschoolers (18 months to 6 years). 

Calming Techniques 

These techniques help children calm themselves in overwhelming situations, such as intense fears, tantrums, or meltdowns. Note that they are usually more effective after you’ve taken time to hear them out (i.e. connection before correction). 

  1. Blow the birthday candle: This is my go-to method for calming my children after meltdowns or tantrums. Use your finger as a “birthday candle” for your child to “blow out.” If they are ready to engage in play, vary the motions of your finger (e.g. If they blew harder, I would shake my finger harder or make a funny noise, which usually makes them laugh). This technique encourages deep breathing, which helps calm the mind and body.

  2. Inflate the balloon: Place a hand on the child’s tummy and ask them to “inflate the balloon” by pushing out the hand as they breathe in. If they are ready for play, ask them to breathe out as if they were an inflated balloon being released, usually resulting in chuckles and a lighter mood.

  3. A tall tower: This educational activity is best carried out during playtime, rather than in the midst of a meltdown/tantrum. It involves having the child stack a tower of blocks and then taking a deep breath to blow it down. Remind them to take deep breaths and “blow the tower down” when they have big feelings.

  4. Press the button: Have the child use a finger to press something, and you make a funny noise or a random effect (e.g., the hand “flies away” or closes quickly to catch their finger). This fun distraction helps regulate intense emotions. After they calm down, provide comfort, guidance, or correction if needed.

  5. Find some trees and the sky: During difficult moments when no one is in the mood for play, take your child to a window or outdoors and ask them to find some trees or the sky. This approach teaches them to step away from a triggering event and discover the soothing effect of nature.

  6. Giving a hug: Sometimes, all a child needs is a hug or to sit in your lap. Physical affection helps young children feel safe and accepted, building safety and comfort in the parent-child relationship that allows for continued nurturing and guidance.

  7. Where is the pain: For managing physical pain from a fall or accident, validate your child’s experience (i.e., “That must have been very painful.”), and ask them to point out where the pain is. This keeps them from being overwhelmed and shifts their attention to minding their body, while allowing you to assess the injury. They usually calm down significantly, though they may still benefit from a long hug. 

Despite numerous scientific journals and research-backed parenting approaches, you are the expert on your child.

Coaxing Techniques 

These approaches encourage kids to be on task, such as finishing their food or getting into the shower. 

  1. Spaceship landing: Have your child open their mouth as a “space station” for the “spaceship” (a spoonful of food) to land. Variations include changing the scenery to a “train station,” “bus station,” and so on. Imagination is key! 

  2. End the song: Sing a line or two from a nursery rhyme and get your child to take a bite at the end of the song. Variations include making funny sounds or actions as they take a bite. 

  3. Say “ah” when done: Ask your child to say “ah” to show an empty mouth after taking a spoonful of food. This encourages them to eat and swallow their food quickly. 

  4. Volcano: Put a bit of soap into a bottle or bowl and jet it with water to create a foamy “volcano,” keeping your child occupied while bathing. Use this as an opportunity to teach values like recycling (by re-using plastic bottles or containers) or reducing wastage (not using too much soap and water during playtime). 

  5. Drinking animals: When my son was two, he fell and scraped his knee very badly. He was understandably inconsolable for close to an hour and refused to even take one step into the shower! To get him to make the first step, I got him to give his toy animals a drink in the shower. While this did not stop him from crying when the water hit, it at least reduced the tears from washing up! 

You are the Expert 

I’ve heard parents who share many difficult days with their kids. I also often observe the very same parents taking unique and effective approaches to nurture and soothe their children! Despite numerous scientific journals and research-backed parenting approaches, you are the expert on your child.  

This article represents my journey to discover what works best for my children. I hope it inspires you to create your playbook, and I’m sure you have much wisdom to share with fellow parents in your spheres! 

A Guide to Understanding Consent

Consent and boundaries set the foundation of healthy relationships based on trust and respect. As parents, we want to raise our children to grow into respectful and empathetic individuals.

But what exactly is consent? What is the difference between consent and boundaries? And how do we teach our kids about it?

What is the difference between consent and boundaries?

Consent is giving permission for something to happen or agreeing to do something. It is a clear, affirmative, and voluntary agreement between participants to engage in a specific activity. Silence does not mean consent, and consent can be given or taken away at any moment.

Boundaries are rules that we put in place to keep ourselves safe. This can include both physical and emotional safety.

Why should we explain consent to our children?

As parents, we need to be clear from the get-go with our children; as children, they do not have the maturity and ability yet to give consent, especially in the area of sexual touch. 

However, consent is not just about sex. It is something that we give (or not give) every day. For example, lending someone a pen or a book. Talking about consent in a broader, everyday sense when our children are young allows us to better handle the more delicate conversations about consent when the time is right. 

What may be more developmentally appropriate for them to understand is the concept of boundaries, where they can learn what is appropriate and what isn’t.

How to teach boundaries to children 

Early/preschool years (0-6)

Begin teaching the basics of boundaries from a young age. We can use simple language and relatable scenarios to help our children grasp the concept. For example, explain that if a friend doesn’t want to share a toy, that is their boundary, and we should respect that decision. 

We can model this in our daily interactions, such as by asking them for permission before hugging or tickling your child, and respecting their response.  

Everyday situations provide ample teachable moments. If your child takes something without asking, use it as a moment to explain why it’s important to get permission first. 

Discuss different types of boundaries, such as physical, emotional, and digital, and why it’s important to honour them.

Primary years (7-9)

When children enter primary school, they may experience situations where their classmates behave in unexpected ways, for example taking their stationery or personal belongings without permission. 

At home, work hard to create an environment where our children feel comfortable expressing their true feelings and boundaries. Encourage them to speak up if they feel uncomfortable about anything that happened in school, and assure them that their feelings and opinions are valid. 

Help your children understand that everyone has personal boundaries that should be respected. Discuss different types of boundaries, such as physical, emotional, and digital, and why it’s important to honour them. 

We can even use role-playing to practise making a request. This can help children feel more confident in real-life situations. For example, practise asking if they can borrow a toy from a friend, and prepare them to accepting the answer, whether it’s a “yes”, “no”, or “wait”. 

Teach your children to ask for permission before sharing any photos or personal information online, and to respect the privacy of others.

Tween years (10-12) 

As your tween grows in independence, it is important to keep communication open. By having regular conversations about things like peer pressure and how it can affect their ability to stand their ground even when it goes against their values or wishes, we are helping them develop strategies on to assert their boundaries and say “no” in difficult situations. 

If they are into online games, it is also important to monitor who they converse with online and about how they can stay safe if a stranger tries to strike up a conversation with them.  

In today’s digital age, boundaries are also important in online interactions.  

Teach your children to ask for permission before sharing any photos or personal information online, and to respect the privacy of others. 

Teen years & Late teen years (13-18)

At this age, some teens may begin to explore romantic relationships, so it is vital to continue talking about how love and relationships work, what healthy boundaries are, and the special significance of sex within a committed loving relationship like marriage.

This is also the stage where we can help them understand more about consent in the context of sexual activity. We can raise questions such as:

  • Is consent all that matters when it comes to sexual acts? What else should we consider? 
  • Is all consensual sex morally acceptable and right? 
  • With the pervasiveness of pornography, sexual acts can sometimes veer into the extreme/unhealthy category. What could be some of the consequences on the individual? How can we tell if something is good or bad for us?  

Make sure your teen understands that consent can be changed or withdrawn at any time. Help them understand that any sexual activity that takes place when one party is unable to give consent, for example, if they are drunk, is actually sexual abuse. Encourage them to communicate any changes in their feelings clearly and assertively, and to not hesitate to come to you for help if they find themselves in any sticky situations. 

By teaching our children about sex in the context of a loving and committed relationship like marriage, we equip them with the tools they need to protect themselves from engaging in sex prematurely, and to build respectful and healthy relationships.

Conversations About Sex Need Not Be So Tough

Research shows that when parents engage their children in topics on sexuality, their children grow to make wiser choices in relationships and sex. To help you overcome your fears in broaching the topic, we have designed a Talk About Sex video series specially for parent and child (aged 7-12) to enjoy, engage with and learn together!
Find out more