As parents, few things are more frustrating than watching our children procrastinate. Whether it’s unfinished homework, delayed chores, or missed deadlines, it’s easy to jump to our own conclusions.
“Why are you always like that?” we might ask in an impatient tone.
Or, “I told you to do it so many times already, but you never listen!”
But what if procrastination isn’t about laziness at all?
In this article, we interviewed Paul Lim, a trained counsellor and senior lecturer at the Singapore Management University, to unpack the deeper emotional roots of procrastination—and discover how we can better respond to our kids with care and empathy.
Fear of failure, fear of not meeting expectations, and fear of discomfort. These emotional undercurrents may cause children—and even adults—to delay starting a task.
Procrastination vs. laziness
Paul shares that procrastination and laziness may look similar, but they stem from very different places.
“Procrastination is not laziness; it’s a matter of managing your emotions,” Paul explains. “The root of procrastination is fear.”
Fear of failure, fear of not meeting expectations, and fear of discomfort. These emotional undercurrents may cause children—and even adults—to delay starting a task. So it is not because they don’t care, but because they feel overwhelmed or inadequate.
Laziness, on the other hand, is marked by a complete lack of interest or motivation, even when the task is easily achievable. “Be careful not to confuse disinterest that stems from fear and anxiety with laziness,” Paul cautions.
The emotions that cause avoidance
Many teens procrastinate because they feel helpless or hopeless about the situation. They think to themselves, “I try and try, but the results don’t change.” After a while, they begin to ask, “Why bother?”
This spiral can lead to what psychologists call learned helplessness—a state where the child no longer believes their efforts will make a difference. Coupled with additional pressure from school, society, and even well-meaning parents, it’s no wonder some kids shut down, explains Paul.
This is where, as parents, we may need to first examine our own intentions. As Paul quips, “If you want to help your child deal with procrastination, you must first help yourself.”
He challenges parents to reflect on their own anxieties and tendencies to control the child. Some questions we can ask are: “Are we projecting our fears onto our children? Are we trying to control outcomes because we’re afraid of what the future holds?”
Seek connection, not compliance
Paul warns against mistaking compliance for obedience. When children comply just to avoid punishment or conflict, they may internalize the idea that love is transactional.
“My students call it the law of bo-bien (a Hokkien phrase which means no choice),” Paul says. “They comply to get their parents off their backs.”
This kind of parenting may seem effective in the short term, but it can erode the parent-child relationship over time.
Children may grow up believing that their worth is tied to performance, not who they are.
Be curious before you react
So what should parents do when they notice procrastination? Paul’s advice is simple but profound: ask why.
“The first response is not to scold or accuse. The first thing to do is ask, ‘Why?’”
As parents, we also need to watch our tone. A frustrated “Why haven’t you done your homework?” won’t open doors to our children’s hearts. But a calm and curious “Can I ask why?” or “What happened?” might.
Paul shares a story about his son, who was avoiding piano practice. After some gentle probing, Paul discovered that his son felt he had to be perfect. “He was disqualifying himself before he even started,” Paul says.
By exploring the emotion behind the behaviour, Paul was able to help his son reframe his expectations and build confidence.
Don’t dismiss their emotions
Another key takeaway: don’t deny your child’s emotions.
“If they feel scared, they’re scared. If they feel overwhelmed, they’re overwhelmed. As parents, we must give them the right to feel that way.”
Paul emphasises that while the facts of the situation may not always match the feelings, the feelings are still valid. And when we normalise these emotions and respond to our children with empathy, we are also helping them learn to bridge this gap over time.
Ask, What happened to me?
As parents, we may have to do the hard work ourselves too. Paul observes that many parents have not had the space and time to process their own emotions. Perhaps we may have grown up having our emotions denied or dismissed.
He advises for us to take some time to ask ourselves: What happened to me?
For if our goal is to raise emotionally healthy children, we must first do the inner work ourselves.
“If you really want to be the best parent you can be, you first have to sort yourself out. Otherwise, it’s going to continue with this cycle… and your kids will pass that down to your grandchildren,” advises Paul.
Procrastination isn’t just a behavioural issue—it’s an emotional one. And parenting is as much about self-awareness as it is about teaching and guiding our young.
So the next time your child puts off homework or chores, pause. Ask why. Listen without judgment. Hold back the scolding and nagging. Instead, take time to connect with them emotionally. Remember: the journey to helping our children be their best selves starts with us.
