Why I’m Not Fretting Over Finding a Spouse
Holding on to marriage ideals while being content in singlehood
Published on 01 October, 2024
Currently in my mid-twenties, it is not uncommon that I get asked the question, “Are you seeing anyone?” or “How’s your dating life? Any updates?”
Four years ago, when my relationship status changed from attached to single, most people were gracious in giving me space to heal and recover. But with each year that has passed, I’ve noticed a growing curiosity about whether I was in a relationship – as if this was the life update that people were most interested in.
I don’t blame my well-meaning friends who care about my love life and future, though.
With the buzzwords in all my social circles being “BTO, proposal, engaged, reno, wedding, baby,” it seems like I am the one who is not part of “the norm,” and my singlehood, out of place.
While some may offer attempts of consolation like how “26 is still young” and “there’s still time”, I would be lying if I said I’ve never been anxious about when I would meet that somebody, or whether I would even get married.
It has been a journey of wading through the waters of discomfort and insecurity – an all-too-familiar pool that I still revisit every now and then.
Yet there are also plenty of things I’ve grown to value and love about singlehood, and precious lessons and experiences I’ve collected along the way.
Here’s a peek into my journey through singlehood.
Knowing My Worth
I’ve struggled with being single because it feels like I am missing out on something. Sometimes it feels like my joys and experiences are less than that of those who are attached, and that I am not complete.
This season of singlehood has also been filled with discoveries of the self, growing to be more certain about who I am, being comfortable in my own skin, and learning that I am already a whole person on my own. I’ve been more aware of my values, trigger points, what motivates me, and the things that are truly important to me.
In the past year especially, I’ve been challenged to dig deeper into my identity. Different situations I faced left me close to crumbling – and I came to realise that I’ve anchored a huge part of my sense of worth in what I can or cannot do, my achievements, how I was doing in comparison to others, and how much I was accepted by those around me.
But I saw that if I continue anchoring my identity in what is external and ever-changing, then I will be going through life with a fragile sense of self.
Having a strong sense of who I am contributes to emotional stability, and self-awareness brings steadiness and clarity – traits that are important regardless of whether I am in a relationship or not.
Though sometimes uncomfortable, I am enjoying the ride of self-discovery.
Refining My Perspectives on Marriage
With no romantic feelings at play, singlehood is the perfect time to think through key questions like:
- What is the purpose of marriage?
- Why do I want to get married?
- What are the non-negotiables and key traits I want in a prospective spouse?
As I ask myself these questions, read about the topic of marriage, and have conversations with others, I get a clearer picture of what marriage is, uncover my own motivations for marriage and sharpen my perspectives on family.
If left unchecked, my desire for marriage can be driven by social pressure, fear of loneliness and even romantic ideals.
But I think the value of marriage holds greater weight than simply meeting these desires, so clarifying my perspectives and motives has been needful for me.
Finding Joy in Strong Relationships
Long conversations over dinner. New experiences in a foreign country. Friendships built upon shared interests and humour, made strong by sticking by each other through life’s storms and enjoying mountaintop moments together.
I once heard that forming genuine friendships can be difficult in adulthood, but I am grateful that most of my experiences with friendships as a young adult have been positive.
Friendships that have stood the test of time and other meaningful ones I’ve acquired in recent years have played such a huge role in providing a sense of belonging and in my experience of being known and loved. It’s also special when friends include me in their family life – with their spouses becoming my personal friends and getting to hang out with their little ones!
There’s nothing quite like having my love tank filled through a weekend spent with people who feel like home.
Loving What I Do, Doing What I Love
In addition to the meaningful relationships I have found in my communities, I derive much joy and purpose in the things I get to do.
Working in the social service sector, I have the privilege of impacting families and youths – something I find fulfilling. Interacting with likeminded people has also been life-giving as we keep each other going while sowing into meaningful work.
Outside of work, I’ve unearthed the treasures of running and working out at the gym. I love getting to challenge my limits, setting goals and working towards them. Fulfilment in fitness comes not just in personal progress and growth, but also in enjoying the journey with community! There is something special about sportsmanship and supporting each other to achieve greater things.
Learning to Live at my Own Pace
For sure, there are days where I feel like I am missing out on something, getting left behind, and my chances of marriage are slipping away as quickly as time is; nights where I wonder if there is anything wrong with me and if I’m that undesirable.
Even though I am not “progressing” through life like the rest of my peers, finding a spouse is not something I need to fret about because I know that my singlehood doesn’t make me any less than attached or married individuals. I still get to enjoy deep and meaningful relationships and experience life to the fullest.
That said, I’ve also caught glimpses of the beauty marriage holds. And so, while I’m not fretting over it, marriage is something I still dream of, and meeting people is something I am opening myself up to.
But whether I get married sometime in the future or marriage never becomes a reality for me, I want to remain content knowing that I am already a whole person who has a place in society, and who can still sow into Family.
