Is Compatibility Important in Dating and Marriage?
Is Compatibility Important in Dating and Marriage?
Overcoming a rocky start to marriage
Published on 15 October, 2024
At the beginning of my first and only dating relationship, I anticipated everything a new romance would bring: the butterflies, the shy anticipation of the next date, and the heightened awareness of the presence of someone significant in my life!
However, I couldn’t fully celebrate the first 10 months of our relationship, as I was plagued with uncertainty—alongside a barrage of well-meaning questions from family and friends:
Are you sure about this?
How well do you know him?
You both seem so different—are you sure you’re a good match?
How will you build trust or communicate being apart from each other?
With all these questions, I couldn’t help but wonder: Are we really compatible?
My then-boyfriend (now husband) and I had an atypical relationship. We were in a long-distance relationship for five of the six years we dated, and our compatibility was constantly in question. This amplified my own uncertainty, and I began to question whether I was truly committed to a long-term relationship with marriage in mind, or simply didn’t want to lose our friendship as he left to study overseas.
“We had incompatible coping mechanisms and conflict management styles, which often left our relationship strained and distant.”
Compatibility vs. Incompatibility
My curiosity about whether we were made for each other or not motivated me to work hard during the first two years of our dating relationship.
By definition, incompatibility means being “incapable of association or harmonious existence,” while compatibility refers to being “capable of existing in harmony.”
At first, I wondered: How are we incompatible? We were peace-loving, harmonious individuals, though we had differing characteristics and personalities (as most couples do). But as our disagreements surfaced and our differences became more apparent, I began to see areas of potential breakdown.
We discovered that we had very different coping mechanisms and conflict management styles, which often left our relationship strained and distant. During our long-distance dating, we had cold wars that lasted for days until we both calmed down and were ready to talk through our issues. In marriage, this dynamic initially continued, but over time we learnt to manage better, gradually reducing the length of our cold wars and learning to make repairs to hurt feelings much quicker.
We realised that while we had our differences, we were not incapable of existing in harmony; instead, we had to learn how to create that harmony together.
“When effort is intentionally sown, and couples commit to working through challenges together, they may find themselves more compatible than ever.”
Valuable lessons learnt
Six years into our marriage, I’ve learned 3 valuable lessons that have helped keep our differences at bay:
1. Keep trying to be compatible
It takes two to sustain a marriage, and that requires effort from both sides.
Dr. Willard F. Harley Jr., author of the internationally bestselling book His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage, describes it aptly:
“Having counselled for over 30 years, I am convinced that marital compatibility is a problem of gigantic proportions in most marriages. Couples are usually most compatible on the day of their marriage, and things go downhill from there. Why? Because, prior to marriage, they make a great effort to become compatible. They try to understand each other’s likes and dislikes and then try to accommodate those feelings. They are usually willing to change their behaviour to become more compatible.”
However, Dr. Harley highlights a sad and confronting truth:
“Most couples stop trying to be compatible as soon as they’re married.”
Incompatibility creeps in when spouses get overly comfortable with the marriage “status quo,” and the effort to maintain compatibility fades.
The good news is, the reverse is also true: when effort is intentionally sown, and couples commit to working through challenges together, they may find themselves more compatible than ever.
To foster compatibility, create specific habits that promote understanding and connection. For example, setting aside time for weekly check-ins with your spouse to share concerns, emotions, and aspirations in a calm, non-confrontational environment.
Shared activities, such as cooking together, going for a walk, or doing something your spouse enjoys, can help build rapport and remind you of the joy that brought you together. These small but intentional efforts go a long way in building trust and connection.
“Don’t sweep these issues under the carpet. Instead, work together to find common ground with each other.”
2. Don’t allow incompatibility to become an excuse
The danger of allowing incompatibility to fester in a marriage is that it opens the door for separation or divorce to become attractive options. When life’s responsibilities weigh heavily, and both parties feel overwhelmed, the next option is to check out.
At this stage, one spouse may start to feel neglected, which can lead to a vicious cycle – the more neglected one feels, the more neglectful one becomes. Eventually, you may forget what you once saw in your spouse.
Whatever you cannot agree upon defines an area of incompatibility. Don’t sweep these issues under the carpet. Instead, work together to find common ground with each other, by going through the process of conflict resolution. Choose to fight for each other, not against.
One practical way to “fight for each other, not against” is to reframe disagreements as opportunities to learn more about your spouse, rather than battles to win. Instead of viewing differences as points of irreconcilable conflict, approach them as areas to explore together, with empathy and curiosity.
For instance, when a conflict arises, try to listen with the intent to understand rather than respond, and work towards solutions that benefit both parties. This mindset fosters mutual respect and shifts the focus from competition to collaboration.
“Overcoming differences and cultivating oneness begins and is sustained with intentionality, and a great start looks like prioritising your marriage above other things.”
3. Overcome incompatibility with intentionality
If you believe your marriage is worth it, be intentional in loving and pursuing your spouse—reminding each other, “You are worth my time, attention, and affection.”
Overcoming differences and cultivating oneness begins and is sustained with intentionality, and a great start looks like prioritising your marriage above other things (including hobbies or work commitments) and going on regular dates to strengthen your bond.
It may also entail forsaking independence (making decisions alone) to become interdependent and reliant on each other, even when it feels uncomfortable.
Incompatibility isn’t a dead end, but rather an invitation to grow together. By continually choosing to prioritise love, effort, and mutual respect, couples can transform differences into strengths and build a lasting, harmonious marriage.
Remember, in continually pursuing harmony and oneness in your marriage, you’re not just fighting for your marriage—you’re fighting for your family.
What happens after saying “I do?” The early years of marriage are filled with unique challenges and opportunities for growth. Just Married is a 3-session hybrid workshop designed to equip couples married for five years or less with practical tools to build a thriving marriage. Find out more here!
