Published on 07 October, 2025
Growing up, I had always thought that the goal in marriage was not to have any conflict. Wouldn’t it signify that both husband and wife are so in sync with and perfect for each other? Only after attending marriage preparation workshops and learning from wise mentors (and getting married myself) did I realise that conflict is inevitable, necessary and productive.
Whether it is about finances, parenting, or simply who does the dishes, disagreements are part of sharing life with another person. We are bound to step on each other’s toes with our differing personalities, mannerisms and perspectives. What matters most however, is how we manage conflict.
As Dr Greg Smalley says in his book, Fight Your Way to a Better Marriage, arguments if handled right “have the potential to create greater understanding, trust and connection.”
Someone who adopts an avoidant style will tend to sidestep conflict altogether. They may downplay disagreements, change the subject, or simply stay silent to keep the peace. They may have witnessed unhealthy communication patterns or explosive conflicts between their parents growing up and learnt it might be better not to rock the boat.
At first glance, this style can seem mature—after all, isn’t it wise to “pick your battles”? Over time however, unresolved issues can pile up like dust under a rug. What’s left unsaid doesn’t disappear; it often resurfaces in subtle ways. The spouse may start to feel unseen or unheard, distance themselves, or even have resentment towards their spouse.
I am peace-loving by nature, and the thought of conflict makes me uncomfortable. When I first got married and felt upset with my husband about something, I would just give him the silent treatment and cold shoulder. I wasn’t keen on confronting him about any issues; I simply hid my feelings while silently hoping that he would get the hint about my unhappiness.
Over time, I realised that my husband can’t read my mind. So as uncomfortable as it was for me, I began sharing my honest thoughts with him—slowly and tentatively. I would even rehearse what I wanted to say in my head multiple times before finally finding the courage to voice it out! I was afraid that he would get upset or defensive and I wouldn’t know how to respond.
On the other hand, some people prefer to tackle conflict directly—and sometimes forcefully. They value honesty and clarity, and believe that hashing things out is the best way to move forward. They have a desire to resolve issues quickly instead of letting them linger.
However, when emotions run high, the spouse may start to yell, blame or become sarcastic, leading to the other feeling attacked. Oftentimes in the heat of the moment, hurtful words can also be said.
My husband and I recently welcomed a baby boy into our lives, and this new responsibility brought much joy but also frustration and tiredness. With both my husband and I being conflict-avoidant, it caught me by surprise when we started snapping at each other.
I found myself becoming sarcastic in my responses and using absolutes like “you never” and “you always”. I discovered that we might lean towards one conflict management style, but also display another style under certain circumstances.
Disagreements can help us gain a greater understanding of each other’s preferences, pain points and needs, if we seek to truly listen and talk things out.
Ultimately, instead of going head-on or avoiding conflict altogether, the best approach would be to collaborate. When we work together as a team to tackle a problem, we are viewing the issue as the enemy, not each other.
By adopting this approach, we recognise that conflict is not a threat, but an opportunity for growth. Disagreements can help us gain a greater understanding of each other’s preferences, pain points and needs, if we seek to truly listen and talk things out.
Several months after giving birth, we were about to host a few friends at our house. I was tired and struggling to manage my baby’s needs, but my husband insisted on going out to buy some fruits and drinks before they arrived. I felt upset and questioned why he would leave me alone when I needed his help.
It was only after asking him about the incident later on did I realise that he highly values being able to provide a warm and homely experience for our guests. I shared that I felt sad he didn’t seem to recognise my need for his support. From then on, we became better at planning and preparing in advance so that our guests would feel welcomed, without compromising on caring for our baby together.
When a disagreement occurs, take a short timeout if emotions are high and resolve not to assume the worst about each other during that pause. Once you’re both ready, take turns to honestly share your perspectives using “I” statements rather than “you” statements. This is something that I learnt early on and it has made a world of difference!
Listen attentively to one another without interrupting, shutting each other down, or becoming defensive. Commit to focusing on one issue at a time, and resist the urge to bring up past grievances. Aim to uncover the real reasons behind the conflict. Questions like, “When this happened, how did it make you feel deep down?” and “What would you like me to do in moments like these?” can help reveal each other’s deepest needs and desires.
Our marriage thrives not because we avoid conflict, but because we choose to tackle issues together as a team.
Finally, work together to find a viable solution. After figuring out what matters to both of you, look for common ground. For example, if one spouse is stricter whereas the other is more lenient, you can agree on consistent rules and consequences, and commit to backing each other up in front of your children.
Our marriage thrives not because we avoid conflict, but because we choose to tackle issues together as a team. When handled with care, disagreements can deepen our connection and strengthen our understanding of each other.
Whether you are engaged or seriously considering marriage, the Connect2 Marriage Preparation Workshop helps you build a strong foundation through honest conversations, practical tools and guided discussions. You will learn essential communication and conflict resolution skills to navigate disagreements in a healthy and constructive way. Find out more here!
