Published on 21 January, 2026
Skye Tan is an ex-journalist, current pastor and perennially, happy mum to two. She loves people and the mad dance of life and growth, and tries to help others get their waltz on despite life’s seasons.
You fell in love with their child, but gained the whole family too! Sometimes, marriage can feel like a buy one, get more deal. As you navigate marriage and grow your own nuclear family, how do you embrace your spouse’s family while keeping healthy boundaries? Is it possible to avoid in-law tensions and even have a thriving relationship with your in-laws?
When two singles marry, they suddenly gain another set of parents and siblings. Their available time remains the same, while their commitments increase. A common source of tension then becomes the amount of time spent with each other’s family, especially during festive seasons like Chinese New Year.
Raymond and Jenny, life coaches married for over 20 years, shared that in the early years of their marriage, they went to Raymond’s parents’ house weekly. This became a stress point as life got busier with kids.
Jenny shared, “Many of us start off with in-law issues with a “me versus them” mentality. If you are taking the side of your parents, you’re against me. Why don’t you stand up for me? Why don’t you disagree with your parents? And so, we’re forcing our partner to take sides and that’s very unhelpful in a relationship.”
Raymond added that the situation was made worse by his belief that only he knows how to love his parents best, and she doesn’t know them like he does.
This added to the “me vs you” mode they found themselves in, until they learnt to see each other’s perspective. Jenny realised that Raymond was learning how to be a filial son while also growing into his role as a husband.
They noted that having different role models from one’s families of origin will also shape different perspectives. For example, if your grandparents lived with your parents, that arrangement may feel normal to you. You might then expect your own family to follow the same pattern.
If both husband and wife consciously choose to love each other’s parents rather than withdraw, it creates a sense of safety for both parties.
Recognising that both of you are working towards the best outcome can ease the tension of differing preferences. When you see yourselves as teammates working together, it fosters a sense of togetherness instead of division.
If both husband and wife consciously choose to love each other’s parents rather than withdraw, it creates a sense of safety for both parties. Without this, each party may constantly feel the need to protect their own parents’ interests and carry the burden alone when faced with challenges.
Once you establish that you are on the same team, it becomes much easier to come up with solutions. In Raymond and Jenny’s case, when weekly parental visits started replacing date nights, they explored creative alternatives like flexible scheduling.
Instead of fixed weekly visits, they opted for Sunday lunches, weekday dinners when work allowed, or even bringing Raymond’s parents out for a meal. Other times, they brought desserts as a special treat. Knowing that visiting Raymond’s parents on weekend “prime time” wasn’t cast in stone made it easier to balance family time without feeling overwhelmed.
It also means creating space for your spouse’s voice and input, which communicates that you love and value them.
Raymond said, “When I learnt to love my wife first by trying her suggestions, it was a huge realisation that she actually can help me love my parents even more”.
When navigating tensions, each of them are also responsible for being the main spokesperson to their own parents.
The best teammates choose to set each other up for the win.
When your in-laws’ and spouse’s opinions differ, avoid placing the blame on your spouse. Protect your spouse by not using his or her as a reason for the issue. Instead, own the disagreement and try to find common ground.
Jenny shared a great tip that works for them – “One thing that Raymond does is he always allows me to break the good news and he manages the bad news. For example, if he needs to turn them down, he would let them know. If I wanted to bring them out for a nice dinner or a holiday, he would allow me to share that news.”
When navigating tensions, each of them are also responsible for being the main spokesperson to their own parents. This ensures that they do not need to take up the “bad guy” role when relating to their in-laws.
These days, after earlier years of going to every Chinese New Year visitation, Raymond and Jenny now speak to their parents separately to decide which relatives are “must-visits”. This takes the stress out of managing time and energy constraints and creates a happier festive season for all, while still meeting parental expectations.
This is done in an honouring way, expressed through open communication and mutual respect. As Raymond shares, “The way we honour our parents and in-laws is also a role model for the children. And we have the ability to reshape some of this in terms of how we navigate difficult relationships with people who are closest to us.”
After all, having a good relationship with your in-laws not just positively impacts your spouse. It also shapes the emotional environment your children grow up in, influencing how they learn to value and care for family.
Skye Tan is an ex-journalist, current pastor and perennially, happy mum to two. She loves people and the mad dance of life and growth, and tries to help others get their waltz on despite life’s seasons.
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Nelson and Gina
Workshop: March 2026
Nelson and Gina Lee have been accredited facilitators with Focus on the Family Singapore for over a decade, beginning their involvement conducting relationship talks for tertiary students since 2011.
Driven by a passion for nurturing strong relationships, they have extensive experience in facilitating dating workshops for courting couples and pre-marital programmes for those considering marriage. They have also have led marriage retreats designed to deepen connection and commitment among married couples.
