From Friendship to Relationship - What Does It Take?
Protecting what’s important
Published on 08 August, 2024
“I still really like you. The past one and a half years, I never stopped liking you. I could not imagine myself with anyone else but you.”
This is the third time he confessed to me. But this time, I felt sure and confident with my decision. With tears rolling down my cheeks and my heart bursting with excitement and relief, I blurted,
“I like you too!”
When I began to understand my feelings towards him, I thought I had missed my chance. This is the story of how my boyfriend and I navigated our 7-year friendship into a relationship, as well as the valuable lessons I learned along the way.
Value and protect friendship
Caleb and I used to just coexist in our church cell group and exchange a sentence or two every few months. But in 2021, suddenly, we had more opportunities to interact and found that we shared many similarities. Our friendship took off, and soon, we were chatting daily about anything and everything. I was excited to be making a new friend and didn’t think too deeply about it. However, about two months later, after dinner with some friends, he confessed that he had feelings for me.
Stunned, I was silent for a while. I had never had a serious relationship before and didn’t know how to react to an in-person confession! I did not know enough about him to make a decision then, so I told him that we could get to know each other more intentionally, but without any expectations. We went out occasionally and texted frequently. I had one goal: to figure out if I really liked this guy.
I realised that he had the qualities I was looking for in a partner, and we had natural teamwork. But I also learned that liking someone involves an emotional aspect, something I am terrible at navigating. I even asked friends what liking someone feels like. I received many interesting answers, such as feelings of warmth, butterflies, and even electricity, but these only added to my confusion.
Logically, we seemed like a great fit. But why didn’t I feel drawn to him? Should I continue like this? Would that be fair for him?
After much mental turmoil, I decided that it would be unfair to continue whatever we were doing because, emotionally, I simply did not feel the same way toward him. I felt anxious about breaking this to him because we had built such a strong friendship. But I knew that it was important to be honest with each other. As soon as I was sure of this decision, I brought it up the next time we met. It was painful for him, but he accepted it and reassured me that we could still be friends.
When exploring a romantic relationship with a good friend, it can feel like more is at stake. The fear of losing a valued friendship might make us hesitant to take risks.
However, with careful and thoughtful communication, it is possible to navigate challenging situations.
Communicate your boundaries
We continued to be friends but stopped talking as frequently. Initially, it felt awkward, but after a few months, we felt comfortable around each other again.
In December 2022, we were involved in several activities that allowed for more interactions. What started as casual small talk eventually grew into deep conversations. Our friendship was flourishing, but the lines between friendship and romance soon began to blur.
Wanting to seek clarification, he met with me and expressed his continued feelings, wondering if I had felt the same. Suddenly, it felt like the friendship we had worked to rebuild was at risk of collapsing. I felt terrible for causing the misunderstanding and explained that I still saw him only as a good friend and couldn’t envision anything beyond that. That day, we both learned the importance of setting clear boundaries.
In the context of friendships, boundaries can be emotional, physical, related to time spent together, and more. They communicate our preferences and needs, allowing us to enjoy the friendship.
While it may not feel natural to discuss boundaries with friends, we often feel safest around those who respect our limits. Therefore, it is beneficial to establish boundaries clearly to prevent miscommunication and ensure that neither party oversteps them.
Be honest with yourself
Many months passed, and although we continued to work together closely, we were careful to give each other space. This gave me time to understand myself better and allowed him to recover from the disappointment. All was well until suddenly I felt a small shift in my heart. This began when a friendly gesture from him saved me from getting into trouble.
We were in a church service, and I had forgotten to bring something important from home. Seeing my distress, he generously offered to rent a car, take me home to collect the item, and return it to church.
This gave us an opportunity to catch up on each other’s lives and as we did that, something stirred in my heart. I made a conscious effort to be more attentive to my feelings and took the necessary time to process them thoroughly.
When experiencing a surge of emotions, pay attention to them because they could help you understand yourself better (your wants, needs, likes, and dislikes).
At the same time, be patient with yourself by responding and not reacting to your emotions. Responding looks like taking the time to acknowledge, accept, and process how you feel. For example, I acknowledged that when he went out of his way to help me, it made me feel valued. I was drawn to him for his thoughtful and selfless character, and I accepted that it was okay to like him!
However, I allowed myself time and did not rush into things. Feelings take time to grow, and for some of us, it takes time to show.
But I also faced scary thoughts such as, “After all that we’ve been through, could he have moved on? Am I too late?”
After putting him through so much with the first two confessions, I doubted that he still felt the same way about me.
I began to mentally dissect everything he did for me, in hopes of determining if he still had feelings.
I also journaled about our interactions and how they made me feel. Over time, I finally understood what liking someone feels like! There was a time when he was experiencing a lot of stress from school, and I felt a deep desire to be there for him to encourage him. I never felt like this for anyone before, and I learned that liking someone means wanting to go out of my way to help them.
Over time, my feelings for him deepened. One evening, he asked me to go for a run. But as fate would have it, a heavy downpour forced us to change plans. So, we had dinner and ice-cream, and he walked me home. As we reached the traffic junction near my house, I noticed he looked uneasy. My heart raced. And then, in that moment, a year and a half later since he first confessed his feelings, he looked at me with the same nervous intensity.
For the third time, he confessed; and for the first time, I said “yes“.
From friendship to relationship, the journey was long and winding. It was filled with moments of doubt, frustration, and worry. But it was in these moments that I learned the true value of patience, communication, and self-awareness. Our story is a testament to the beauty of allowing feelings to grow naturally and the courage to embrace them when they do.
So, if you find yourself on a similar path, remember:
Sometimes, it takes a storm to bring you to the right place. And when it does, be brave enough to step into the rain.
