7 Ways To Resolve Differences in Marriage
Turning conflicts into opportunities for growth
Published on 26 September, 2024
Marriage is a beautiful journey, but it also comes with its share of challenges. One of the most common struggles couples face is resolving their differences. These differences, stemming from unique backgrounds, personalities, and perspectives, often lead to disagreements.
So, how can couples navigate these differences in a healthy and constructive way? To explore this, we turned to Madelin Tay, a licensed counsellor with Focus on the Family Singapore, who shares 7 actionable tips:
- Recognise that differences in marriage are inevitable
- Approach differences with a growth mindset
- Focus on finding common ground, rather than being defensive
- Slow down conversations to improve understanding
- Use time-outs effectively, but always follow with a time-in
- Practice paraphrasing to ensure clear communication
- Work on resolving differences
1. Differences in marriage are inevitable
Differences in marriage are inevitable. As Madelin points out, “Conflicts often arise from habits of daily living, how couples manage finances, spend time together, and balance personal time.” Even small issues—like how to squeeze the toothpaste or whether to leave the toilet seat up or down—may trigger larger conflicts if left unresolved.
Sexual intimacy is another common area where differences arise. Couples may have contrasting expectations about sex, adding strain to their relationship.
While small habits may not push couples to seek counselling, Madelin notes that they are often “packed together with bigger issues” if couples eventually do go for counselling.
“Instead of viewing differences as obstacles, see them as opportunities for personal and relational growth.”
It’s easy to assume that differences in marriage are inherently problematic, but this isn’t always the case. According to Madelin, “Differences are present in every couple.”
These contrasts, whether they appear as opposites (such as one spouse being a night owl and the other an early bird) or variations in degree (both spouses might be generous, but towards different causes), form part of the relationship dynamic.
In fact, differences might have been part of what initially attracted you to your spouse. You might have been drawn to their outgoing nature or their ability to connect with people easily. However, over time, these same traits can become sources of frustration. As Madelin puts it, “What initially attracted you may later cause stress or annoyance, but it’s important to approach these differences with a mindset of growth and compromise.”
“Both spouses may assume their way is the ‘right’ way… this protective mindset can hinder genuine listening and resolution.”
2. Embracing differences for personal growth
A key aspect of navigating differences is shifting your perspective. Instead of viewing differences as obstacles, see them as opportunities for personal and relational growth.
“None of us are perfect,” Madelin reminds us. “When you meet someone who is different from you, it can be an opportunity for personal growth. Your spouse may bring new perspectives, and though they may grate on you at times, it’s also a chance for individual and mutual growth.”
This mindset shift—moving from seeing differences as challenges to viewing them as opportunities for growth—can help couples persevere through difficult conflicts, with the hope that they will emerge stronger as a couple as they work through these differences.
3. Finding common ground
A common pitfall in marriage is the desire to protect or defend your way of doing things. “A lot of times when couples talk about their differences, both spouses may assume their way is the ‘right’ way,” says Madelin. This protective mindset can hinder genuine listening and resolution.
Instead, couples should strive to listen with an open mind and focus on finding common ground. Madelin shares an example of a couple who both enjoyed helping others but disagreed on which groups to support. “It’s not that they were totally different,” she explains. “Their intent was the same, but the expression of that intent looked different.” Recognising that the core values are aligned, even when the expressions differ, is key to resolving conflicts.
“Slowing down and paraphrasing each other’s points ensures that both spouses feel heard and prevents reactive comments that can escalate the conflict.”
4. The importance of slowing down
Effective communication is essential in reconciling differences. “How a couple unwinds, how often they visit family, or when to pay bills—these are just some examples of how differences show up in daily life,” says Madelin. Each spouse often has good intentions, but the way they express their needs or preferences might differ, leading to misunderstandings.
Madelin emphasises the importance of slowing down conversations, especially when emotions are running high. “Sometimes, it’s how fast things fire out that causes harm,” she explains. Slowing down and paraphrasing each other’s points ensures that both spouses feel heard and prevents reactive comments that can escalate the conflict. This technique helps couples clarify their perspectives and move toward resolution more calmly.
5. Using time-outs effectively
In the heat of the moment, emotions can take over, making productive communication difficult. This is where a “time-out” can be invaluable.
“When things are heated, and you feel like you’re just rambling and not being heard, it’s time to take a time-out,” advises Madelin. The purpose of a time-out is to prevent hurtful words from being said in the heat of anger, which can have long-lasting impacts.
However, Madelin cautions that a time-out should not be seen as running away from the issue. “A time-out is not about withdrawal. It’s about calming down so that you can think clearly and reengage with the issue constructively.” Couples should discuss in advance what a time-out looks like for them—whether it’s a brief break of one or two hours or a scheduled conversation at a more relaxed time, such as the weekend.
Madelin also stresses the importance of a “time-in” after the time-out. “A time-out without a time-in is not effective,” she says. Couples should make sure to follow up after calming down to discuss the issue in a productive way.
6. Paraphrasing for better understanding
When it’s time to re-engage after a conflict, one of the most effective communication tools is paraphrasing. This technique allows couples to ensure they’re truly understanding each other.
“When one spouse is speaking, the other should paraphrase what they’re hearing,” Madelin advises. “It slows down the conversation, which is exactly what we need sometimes to avoid saying things that are hurtful.”
For example, if one spouse expresses frustration, the other might say, “What I’m hearing is that you’re upset because you feel I’m not contributing enough to household chores. Is that correct?” This allows for clarification before things escalate and helps both spouses feel heard and validated.
7. The reward of effectively resolving differences
Ultimately, the goal of resolving differences in marriage is to rebuild connection and strengthen the relationship. By listening actively, paraphrasing, and embracing differences as opportunities for growth, couples can create a stronger bond.
Madelin encourages couples to view their differences not as insurmountable obstacles, but as a natural part of the marriage journey. With the right mindset and communication tools, these differences can be bridges that bring couples closer, rather than barriers that drive them apart.
In conclusion, learning to reconcile differences in marriage requires patience, communication, and a willingness to grow together. As Madelin wisely reminds us, “It’s not about being perfect or always agreeing. It’s about learning, growing, and finding common ground, even when it feels difficult.”
