A Guide to Understanding Consent
Understanding consent and boundaries
Published on 17 July, 2024
Consent and boundaries set the foundation of healthy relationships based on trust and respect. As parents, we want to raise our children to grow into respectful and empathetic individuals.
But what exactly is consent? What is the difference between consent and boundaries? And how do we teach our kids about it?
What is the difference between consent and boundaries?
Consent is giving permission for something to happen or agreeing to do something. It is a clear, affirmative, and voluntary agreement between participants to engage in a specific activity. Silence does not mean consent, and consent can be given or taken away at any moment.
Boundaries are rules that we put in place to keep ourselves safe. This can include both physical and emotional safety.
Why should we explain consent to our children?
As parents, we need to be clear from the get-go with our children; as children, they do not have the maturity and ability yet to give consent, especially in the area of sexual touch.
However, consent is not just about sex. It is something that we give (or not give) every day. For example, lending someone a pen or a book. Talking about consent in a broader, everyday sense when our children are young allows us to better handle the more delicate conversations about consent when the time is right.
What may be more developmentally appropriate for them to understand is the concept of boundaries, where they can learn what is appropriate and what isn’t.
How to teach boundaries to children
Early/preschool years (0-6)
Begin teaching the basics of boundaries from a young age. We can use simple language and relatable scenarios to help our children grasp the concept. For example, explain that if a friend doesn’t want to share a toy, that is their boundary, and we should respect that decision.
We can model this in our daily interactions, such as by asking them for permission before hugging or tickling your child, and respecting their response.
Everyday situations provide ample teachable moments. If your child takes something without asking, use it as a moment to explain why it’s important to get permission first.
Discuss different types of boundaries, such as physical, emotional, and digital, and why it’s important to honour them.
Primary years (7-9)
When children enter primary school, they may experience situations where their classmates behave in unexpected ways, for example taking their stationery or personal belongings without permission.
At home, work hard to create an environment where our children feel comfortable expressing their true feelings and boundaries. Encourage them to speak up if they feel uncomfortable about anything that happened in school, and assure them that their feelings and opinions are valid.
Help your children understand that everyone has personal boundaries that should be respected. Discuss different types of boundaries, such as physical, emotional, and digital, and why it’s important to honour them.
We can even use role-playing to practise making a request. This can help children feel more confident in real-life situations. For example, practise asking if they can borrow a toy from a friend, and prepare them to accepting the answer, whether it’s a “yes”, “no”, or “wait”.
Teach your children to ask for permission before sharing any photos or personal information online, and to respect the privacy of others.
Tween years (10-12)
As your tween grows in independence, it is important to keep communication open. By having regular conversations about things like peer pressure and how it can affect their ability to stand their ground even when it goes against their values or wishes, we are helping them develop strategies on to assert their boundaries and say “no” in difficult situations.
If they are into online games, it is also important to monitor who they converse with online and about how they can stay safe if a stranger tries to strike up a conversation with them.
In today’s digital age, boundaries are also important in online interactions.
Teach your children to ask for permission before sharing any photos or personal information online, and to respect the privacy of others.
Teen years & Late teen years (13-18)
At this age, some teens may begin to explore romantic relationships, so it is vital to continue talking about how love and relationships work, what healthy boundaries are, and the special significance of sex within a committed loving relationship like marriage.
This is also the stage where we can help them understand more about consent in the context of sexual activity. We can raise questions such as:
- Is consent all that matters when it comes to sexual acts? What else should we consider?
- Is all consensual sex morally acceptable and right?
- With the pervasiveness of pornography, sexual acts can sometimes veer into the extreme/unhealthy category. What could be some of the consequences on the individual? How can we tell if something is good or bad for us?
Make sure your teen understands that consent can be changed or withdrawn at any time. Help them understand that any sexual activity that takes place when one party is unable to give consent, for example, if they are drunk, is actually sexual abuse. Encourage them to communicate any changes in their feelings clearly and assertively, and to not hesitate to come to you for help if they find themselves in any sticky situations.
By teaching our children about sex in the context of a loving and committed relationship like marriage, we equip them with the tools they need to protect themselves from engaging in sex prematurely, and to build respectful and healthy relationships.
Conversations About Sex Need Not Be So Tough
