Growing Trust Through the Teenage Years
Cementing a precious bond
Published on 13 July, 2023
Skye Tan
author
Skye Tan is an ex-journalist, current pastor and perennially, happy mum to two. She loves people and the mad dance of life and growth, and tries to help others get their waltz on despite life’s seasons.
How do we build trust in our relationships with our children? How do you keeping trusting your kids after they’ve messed up? Is fear motivating you to control your kids’ behaviour?
As our children grow older and forge their identities through independence, it can be hard to keep the bond of trust. Yet we have to keep trying because trust in a relationship is what provides safety and respect.
Mother-daughter duo Jenni Ho-Huan and Abby share with us their stories and tips on how to cement their bond of trust.
Explain the ‘why’ behind the ‘what’
Time is needed to build trust. Abby, who’s in her third year of university, said that she learnt to keep trusting her parents through the repeated conversations they’ve had over the years.
“For example, when we were younger and Mum wanted us to do something like our 10pm curfew and I was like, ‘oh, my friends’ curfew is 11pm’, but Mum always explained why. It was never like ‘because I said so’ but they explained the why behind the what.”
The way her parents separated the issue from the person also helped Abby learn that being corrected does not mean her parents think badly of her as a person but instead, they were merely correcting the behaviour.
So, when trust is broken because of certain wrong actions, consequences are given through lots of thoughtful communication.
“So it’s not that you inherently are a bad child,” said the eldest child.
Jenni tries to have pockets of time daily to think through what she wants to say to her child and how to say it.
Pulling back and processing has helped her approach conversations clearly and intentionally so that it goes “better than me saying 10,000 things and none of them makes sense.”
Apologise when we get it wrong
Parents can also default to the mode of “we know better”. However, as our kids grow into teens, we have to help them grow by actually listening to them, giving weight to their opinions and apologising when we get it wrong.
Abby learnt how to apologise by watching her parents do so. She recalled, “Being willing to apologise is a big deal. One of my memories is when my dad got upset and I think he raised his voice and maybe I looked scared so he came to my room, apologised and explained why he got upset and how he felt. That set an example for me to own my mistakes.”
Learning to listen well also helps avoid incidents like this. As Abby shared, “[My parents’ willingness to listen] lets us have a space to share our own lives and it encourages us to share the things we are processing, our hopes and fears so that creates emotional intimacy. So even when it gets hard, there’s emotional reserves, and when conflict occurs or when push comes to shove, you still know your parents love you.”
Keep up the ‘communication habit’
According to Jenni, developing the “communication habit” to stay in connection with one another is critical.
“When the kids were small, there may be times when we have to intrude into their space and they may get irritated but you have to trust that your love is getting to them somehow. You have to make sure you get into the fray or you go back to the room to say I am sorry,” said Jenni.
She explained that it has to be a connection of the heart so that even as a child, they know we have their backs and are more open to communicate.
Jenni likens every year of parenting to be like reaching another “clearing in a forest” where you never been before, and it brings new things to talk about. So the intentional reaching out to connect has to be done constantly.
The mother of three, who’s also the author of a kids book named “Simple Tips for Happy Kids,” also consciously works on growing her own self-awareness and gaining clarity on what’s important.
“I have to be clear on what is important to me as a parent, what are my non-negotiables, realising my non-negotiables has to take into consideration that I am raising a child in a different generation, different context,” she explained.
Being aware of the different world our kids are growing up in will help us grow as parents while also communicating to our kids that we understand their world.
Develop situational awareness
Being aware of the different world our kids are growing up in will help us grow as parents while also communicating to our kids that we understand their world.
“These days, 10-year-old kids know about the war in Ukraine… last time, when we were 10, we were ‘blur blur’ but they have all these information to navigate and I think it can create this fog that makes it harder to connect. Sometimes it’s not that your child doesn’t trust you, but their world is a different world.”
Jenni advises that we continue pursuing their hearts even if they don’t seem receptive at first. We also have to be aware of our own fears and motivation.
We are capable of repairing our narratives so we can offer something more stable and hopeful for our family.
“All parents have irrational fears… we can imagine that one bad habit they are doing now is going to mark their lives.”
Jenni shared that these fears can propel us to be anxious, something she experienced herself with her son who did not thrive in the mainstream school system.
“The turning point for me was when I realised I was trying to over-plan his life too much. But my role is not to ensure his journey has no road bumps.”
So part of the journey of building trust with our kids is not letting our emotions push us to control their behaviour or the outcomes of their decision. As we grow as parents and put in the hard yards to communicate and connect in season and out of season, we can one day see the fruit of that bond of trust.
And even if you didn’t grow up with that yourself, be encouraged that you can still break the cycle to start a new story for your family.
As Jenni so wisely said, “We are capable of repairing our narratives so we can offer something more stable and hopeful for our family.”
© 2023 Focus on the Family Singapore. All rights reserved.
Skye Tan
author
Skye Tan is an ex-journalist, current pastor and perennially, happy mum to two. She loves people and the mad dance of life and growth, and tries to help others get their waltz on despite life’s seasons.
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