What Happens When We Truly Listen To Our Spouse
The art of listening
Published on 23 May, 2023
Skye Tan
author
Skye Tan is an ex-journalist, current pastor and perennially, happy mum to two. She loves people and the mad dance of life and growth, and tries to help others get their waltz on despite life’s seasons.
Thriving in your marriage is not a science, it’s an art.
Like all relationships, marriage ebbs and flows through time and personal challenges and growth.
Through all the changes, the art of listening can affect a marriage’s strength. Gaius and Herng Wei, married for over 8 years and parents to two children aged 4 and 6, share with us their own insights and tips into this art.
1. Turn towards, not against
When the couple discovered their firstborn would be born with a congenital heart issue, they were thrown into a period of distress.
“When we received the diagnosis during the pregnancy, Gaius supported me in very practical ways like making sure I have my meals. I remember days when I said, ‘I don’t even feel functional today,’ and he would come back to make sure I have my lunch,” shared Herng Wei.
Gaius said, “That was a challenging time but thankfully, we chose to walk closer and not apart. It was a subconscious decision but looking back, thank God, we decided we could express our vulnerabilities and fears to each other.”
The fact that they had each other to turn to and communicate with was the reason this difficult season somehow got transformed into – in Herng Wei’s words – “a bonding time” instead.
When going through periods of stress and fear, do you turn towards your spouse or turn against them by shutting down or taking out your emotional turmoil on them?
Learning to express our emotional needs in a way that helps our spouse understand and support us will enhance the love in our marriage.
2. Expressing yourself authentically
The art of listening and communicating functions much like a mirror. If one is willing to listen but the other is not committed to share their feelings on a deeper level, the connection will still be lacking. But when one spouse chooses to communicate vulnerably, it can spark a desire in the other to do the same. This can form the beginning of healthy emotional connection that strengthens the foundation of your relationship.
Expressing yourself in your marriage should go beyond talking about routine matters, like what’s for dinner, who’s picking up kids, or what did the kids do in school.
Learning to express our emotional needs in a way that helps our spouse understand and support us will enhance the love in our marriage.
As Gaius shared, “There have been multiple occasions when she would say, ‘Hey, we are not connecting.’ The fact that it crops up so many times means I have not got it yet. Whenever she tells me we need to connect or I need you to listen to me, I would try to find the time to listen to her. I think of it as a cry to listen to her thoughts. If the other spouse can’t listen, then we have to ask questions to find out if there are other reasons like emotional or physical needs not being met.”
“When someone listens to me, I feel loved. It tells me that what I’m feeling is valid,” explained Herng Wei.
It is also important that no one takes these requests personally or as an accusation that one is not working hard at the relationship.
“We have to respond in a manner that’s appropriate and respectful to consciously create a safe place for the other person to talk,” added Gaius.
The magic phrase, “We will talk about this later” helps them fix a time to discuss the issue again while giving each other space to calm down.
3. Carving out quality time
But of course, expressing yourself at the wrong times can be unhelpful. Like talking about an issue during the early morning rush to get out the door, or when one spouse is obviously tired and you “won’t have them 100 percent”.
Gaius and Herng Wei shared how they have adapted their communication style after marriage and kids.
“When we were still dating, we coined this term, ‘RTC’ or real time communication. Maybe because we were still dating and we had more time to address any issues immediately because we hoped to see the whole picture and get to know each other,” said Herng Wei.
“Now, there’s some delay,” laughed Gaius.
But on the flip side, this also works to help each other become calm to ensure a conversation is gainful.
“Gaius once shared that he realised after marriage, his highs are higher and his lows are lower,” said Herng Wei, adding that the magic phrase, “We will talk about this later” helps them find a time to discuss the issue again while giving each other space to calm down.
Gaius pointed out a universal challenge that every modern-day couple probably faces – time. He shared, “The challenge has always been to carve out a window of time. People don’t ask you ‘are you available to listen’? They just say, ‘Papa, this or that’ or ‘darling, this or that’, and I need to prioritise them.”
He manages his priorities by recognising that work and other demands will always be there, but we still have to carve out time for our marriage.
What has really helped Gaius and Herng Wei is fixing a time daily where they can connect.
“We try to do evening walks every day. That’s our undistracted time to talk. It’s about 45 minutes each time and we don’t have our phones with us,” said Gaius.
This omits distractions that can affect quality time together and is a key to keeping the marriage growing.
Said Gaius, “We tend to think what’s before marriage is the same as what’s after marriage but it’s not. We need to set aside time to communicate sometime, someplace, somewhere.”
Food for thought for couples shared by Gaius and Herng Wei indeed. Would you too set aside time today to communicate and connect with your spouse heart-to-heart?
© 2023 Focus on the Family Singapore. All rights reserved.
Skye Tan
author
Skye Tan is an ex-journalist, current pastor and perennially, happy mum to two. She loves people and the mad dance of life and growth, and tries to help others get their waltz on despite life’s seasons.
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