Valentine’s Day is around the corner, along with the flood of social media posts and grand expressions of love that follow suit. Between bouquets of roses and bookings at fancy restaurants, this social phenomenon builds an idea of love that is founded on big gestures. 

But does the absence of flowers really indicate an absence of love? 

Often, our idea of love is shaped by our background—our culture, family, social circles, etc.—and what the modern world tells us is that when someone loves you, they spend on you. As we look at the curated highlights of relationships online, we may start to form a rose‑tinted view of what affection looks like. With that, our brains are primed to expect much, and even if we don’t necessarily agree with these expectations, we may still be influenced by them in one way or another. 

When reality doesn’t meet expectation, disappointment and insecurity can arise and create tension in relationships, and if we’re not careful, they can end up coming between us and our partner. But what we need to realise is this: love can be expressed in many different forms, not just stereotypical ones—and if we are able to open ourselves up to receive it as it comes, we can experience much more satisfaction in our relationship. 

Although your partner might have missed out on the long love note you were hoping for, perhaps they’ve been loving you in quieter ways that have gone unnoticed. And while unmet hopes can be disappointing, they do not immediately signal a lack of care or devotion. So how do we navigate expectations in a way that holds space for love to flourish in the relationship? 

Managing your own expectations  

Having desires is normal – We all have basic needs to be seen, understood and valued. The problem comes when our hopes become unrealistic, uncommunicated, or inflexible. 

Here are some strategies to manage your expectations so they don’t inadvertently sabotage your happiness: 

1. Reflect on the deeper need 

Often, unmet hopes reflect a deeper need. For example, “I’m not upset about not receiving flowers from my significant other. I’m upset because I appreciate flowers, and when he buys them, I feel seen and valued. When he doesn’t, what hurts is the feeling that my need to be noticed and appreciated hasn’t been met.” 

Our emotions have many layers, and often our initial emotional response may lend weight to something deeper. If you find yourself upset by something seemingly superficial, it may be worth considering if there’s a deeper need beneath it, and if there is, is it your partner’s responsibility to meet that need for you? 

2. Discuss your expectations

Unfortunately, your partner is not a mind reader. Social media often pushes the idea that “If he wanted to, he would”. However, the reality is that our partners may come from different backgrounds from us or simply have different ways of thinking. Expressing our desires in a clear yet loving way can both strengthen trust and reduce misunderstanding. The less room we leave for assumptions, the better.  

This can sound like: “I feel __ when you __, and I would prefer if you ___”, which softens defensiveness and opens space for real listening. 

Additionally, verbalising your wishes isn’t just about coming up with a list of demands. It’s also about opening the opportunity to discuss if the desire is realistic. While expressing your expectations are good, it can be unfair to your partner if those wishes don’t consider their preferences. Talk it out and be willing to meet in the middle. 

When you begin to notice the effort and love that your partner has put into the relationship, it can also help you to hold less tightly to the expectations you have of them. 

3. Stay curious, not critical 

Loving your partner means opening yourself up to receive the love they show you. If we come to the relationship without assumptions about what they should be doing for us, we can cultivate a curiosity that leads to appreciation and nourishing acts. When you begin to notice the effort and love that your partner has put into the relationship, it can also help you to hold less tightly to the expectations you have of them.  

Research shows that responsiveness, or the feeling that your partner understands, supports and values you is key to relationship satisfaction. This responsiveness is built not just through costly gestures but through the small everyday acts of love that promote security and trust in the relationship. As such, learning to appreciate and celebrate the little things can be pivotal in relationship building.