Published on 04 August, 2025
Mark Lim is Director/Trauma-Informed Counsellor at The Social Factor, a consultancy and trauma-informed counselling agency which conducts training on life skills such as parenting, mentoring, mental wellness and special needs. He and his wife Sue co-write a parenting blog Parenting on Purpose, where they chronicle the life lessons from parenting two boys almost 14 and 12 years’ old.
“You know Mark,” said the bespectacled man in his 70s, “I don’t really feel anything for her anymore. He picked up his cup of coffee and made a gesture to drink it, but then puts it down on the table again. “It’s like this cup of coffee. It used to be hot and delightful to drink. But now the coffee has gone cold, and I don’t free like drinking it anymore.”
Fred and Sally1 had been married for more than 40 years. Fred described their initial courtship as “sweet” and “exciting”. However, after they had their two children, and after the kids grew up, got married and left the family home, things didn’t seem so “sweet” and “exciting” anymore.
“I’m not sure what happened, Mark,” said Fred. “Perhaps it’s because she stopped being happy. It seems as though the spark had left her eyes. One day it was there, and the next day it was gone.”
Fred seemed to hint that the reason for his lacklustre marriage was the adage “Happy Wife, Happy Life”. During the days when his wife was happy and “had the spark”, Fred felt that his life was going well. However, when the spark was gone and the wife stopped being happy, Fred believed that his life was no longer purposeful and that he was no longer satisfied with the way his life was.
Regardless of gender roles, there is more to marriage then simply trying to make your spouse happy.
Consider the principle behind this saying. Would a man live a satisfied life only if his wife was happy? The idea behind this notion first appeared in the early 1900s, but researchers have been trying to study the science of this concept for years. One study, published in 2014, argued that when a wife is satisfied with the marriage, she would tend to do more for her husband, which would then result in a positive effect on his life.2
Other studies dispute this, like a 2022 publication, which stated that the wellbeing of both men and women are equally strong predictors of future relationship satisfaction.3 The suggestion was then to amend the saying to “Happy Spouse, Happy House”, a term that might be more in line with current perspectives regarding gender roles in marriage.
Regardless of gender roles, there is more to marriage then simply trying to make your spouse happy. My wife and I often talk to couples in our professional and personal capacity. Through these conversations, we have learnt that should one spouse merely attempt to placate the other in a bid to “keep the peace”, this could lead to difficult issues being swept under the carpet, and when things get too difficult in the marriage, fault lines could appear, which would then lead to a rift in the marital relationship.
In 1986, psychologist William F. Harley Jr. wrote a book His Needs, Her Needs. The book was re-written and updated a number of times, with the latest version published in 2022. Harley shared that men’s needs and women’s needs are different, and that we need to understand and fulfil our partner’s emotional needs in order to build a successful marriage. This can be done by inculcating habits of love in our daily lives, even as we navigate through the various conflicts in our marriages, and subsequently arrive at a mutual resolution that respects the perspectives of both spouses.
In any marital relationship, both partners have felt needs and expectations, and these are of paramount importance to them. Yet needs and expectations are different. In the context of marriage, a need is something that we cannot do without. As such, if we want to build a stronger marriage, it is crucial for us to identify the needs of our spouse, and then try our best to either meet this need, or to help the other person to do so.
When it comes to expectations, these are wishes that we desire for our spouse to fulfil, good-to-haves, but not a dealbreaker in the sense that these are something we can live without. As such, we have to recognise that it would be unreasonable to demand that our partner meet every single one of our expectations.
For myself, I have a strong need to connect socially with close friends. My wife recognises this, and she often makes the choice to spend a prolonged afternoon out at a social engagement, even though she may be tired. As for my wife, I know that she enjoys a walk in the park listening to podcasts by herself, so there are times when I opt to take care of the kids, enabling her to spend some “me time” in order to recharge and recuperate.
If a marriage has too many unmet needs and expectations, this could be a foreshadowing of tough times ahead.
Yet it is not something that cannot be resolved, provided the couple is prepared to deal with conflict and to resolve this in a manner that addresses the needs and expectations of both parties.
No marriage is perfect. With differing views, needs and expectations in a marriage, conflict between husband and wife is unavoidable. But while we cannot avoid conflicts, we can avert situations that are so adversarial that they lead to a breakup or dissolution of the marriage. As such, it is imperative that couples learn to manage the conflicts in their marriage, and to seek out resolutions that address the fundamental differences in their perspectives.
For ultimately, it is not a matter of “Happy Wife, Happy Life”. Marriage is not meant to make us happy; it is meant for us to help each other become the best version of ourselves.
During the earlier years of my marriage, when the kids were much younger, my wife and I differed quite a bit in terms of our parenting styles. I tended to be the stricter parent, with my wife was generally more lenient. So there were times when we clashed in terms of how we chose to parent our children. One principle we learnt then was while husband and wife may have differing views in parenting, they have to be in one accord when presenting the final decision to the children. In other words, we had to settle our parenting differences behind closed doors, before sharing our single united decision with the kids.
While conflicts between the couple are inevitable, the skills for conflict resolution are crucial. This does not mean that you have to resolve your differences with your spouse on the day of the conflict. But it does mean that you need to give each other space to process any differences, as well as to iron out any issues that may arise because of these differences.
Most couples can agree to disagree if the issue at hand is a minor one. However, if it is a major matter that is of utmost importance to the couple, then both sides will need to communicate their perspectives and hear the other person out, until an amiable resolution is achieved.
For ultimately, it is not a matter of “Happy Wife, Happy Life”. Marriage is not meant to make us happy; it is meant for us to help each other become the best version of ourselves.
Mark Lim is Director/Trauma-Informed Counsellor at The Social Factor, a consultancy and trauma-informed counselling agency which conducts counselling and training in areas such as marriage, parenting, mental wellness and special needs. He and his wife Sue co-write a parenting blog Parenting on Purpose, where they chronicle the life lessons from parenting two boys 15 and 13 years’ old.
Pseudonyms have been used in this article for privacy reasons.
Mark Lim is Director/Trauma-Informed Counsellor at The Social Factor, a consultancy and trauma-informed counselling agency which conducts training on life skills such as parenting, mentoring, mental wellness and special needs. He and his wife Sue co-write a parenting blog Parenting on Purpose, where they chronicle the life lessons from parenting two boys almost 14 and 12 years’ old.
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