Ailin loves the family life she has with her husband and five children. Between cups of coffee, she mostly tries to keep up with her kids, sometimes learns new teen lingo, and very occasionally writes at her blog, Planting Trees.
The birds and the bees, boy-girl relationships, perhaps every parent’s nightmare. Where do we start? What do we say? How do we broach the subject? We feel awkward and unnatural talking about the topic. Many of us may have been left as children and teens to figure it out on our own. But it doesn’t have to be that way.
Our children are always observing and learning about the world around them. They are picking up social norms and behaviour from their friends, social media and the people they come into contact with. What better way than for parents and trusted adults to be their first line of information and to be actively shaping their views about relationships, dating and marriage?
The dictionary definition of dating is “to regularly spend time with someone you have a romantic relationship with”. For many, it is also to ascertain if the person you are dating would be someone you would marry for life.
Therefore, it is important to help our children understand that dating is not “just for fun”, there are many implications being in an exclusive relationship with someone. Dating should not be treated flippantly.
Primary school children will start to notice the different kinds of relationships around them: parent-child, friends, married, dating. We can use real life examples of dating couples to describe a dating relationship—what they are doing and for what purpose.
We may explain how those who are dating are not married, but have a special, romantic relationship that might be headed towards marriage. Their affection for each other not only binds them emotionally but can be expressed physically, within safe boundaries. We should also correct any impressions they get about relationships from the media they consume. Help them distinguish screen life from real life—how people fall in love and stay in love.
While there is no strict one-size-fits-all rule about when someone can date, we would encourage parents to caution their children not to date before the age of 17. There are many dangers that can occur in immature relationships—sexual promiscuity or abuse; the inability to handle intense emotions; distractions from their main responsibility of being students, among others.
Instead, we should encourage them to be focused on forming friendships, getting to know as many people as they can in primary and secondary school; developing skills and hobbies through various activities; and growing in their knowledge through school.
As parents, we ought to also be conversing with our children about relationships from a young age to guide and prepare them for when they start to date.
Primary & tween years (7-12)
Primary school children will start to notice the different kinds of relationships around them: parent-child, friends, married, dating. We can use real life examples of dating couples to describe a dating relationship—what they are doing and for what purpose.
We may explain how those who are dating are not married, but have a special, romantic relationship that might be headed towards marriage. Their affection for each other not only binds them emotionally but can be expressed physically, within safe boundaries. We should also correct any impressions they get about relationships from the media they consume. Help them distinguish screen life from real life—how people fall in love and stay in love.
Teen & late teen years (13-19)
Youths in their teen years and older may start to feel attraction and romantic feelings towards others. They may be considering starting a relationship with a person or wonder if it is the right time and place to do so.
We should assure them that such feelings are a normal part of growing up. Help them process those feelings and if appropriate, how they should act on them.
As we talk to our children about dating, we should discuss specific guidelines that will keep their dating relationship safe and healthy.
Build friendships
Encourage our children to begin with group dates where they go out with other friends in a group. In group settings, our children learn how to relate to members of the opposite gender. They can use these opportunities to get to know each other before going on solo dates.
Group dates provide opportunities for continued friendships with other friends, preventing a couple from retreating into an exclusive and sometimes elusive pair (void of external friendships). Friendships are foundational in building healthy relationships throughout life.
A dating relationship should start from a friendship where there are common interests, values and goals in life.
Safe spaces
With the prevalence of porn, many young people may have misguided impressions and views about physical intimacy. They may wonder what forms of physical intimacy might be appropriate or allowed (although most young people will probably be too embarrassed to ask). Be specific in laying down boundaries when it comes to physical intimacy. Talk to them about intimacy and sex in a relationship.
Teach our children how to be respectful and protective of their dates. Encourage them to keep their dates in public spaces. Many may not be able to control their actions in a dating situation particularly if they are in a private location.
Help our children see that every action has a consequence.
Open communication
Check in with our children from time to time. Find out what has been going well and what has been difficult as they explore dating. Sometimes they may need help processing their feelings, other times, they may simply need a listening ear to know that you care. Listen without judgement and give advice gently.
Get to know the person our children are dating. Take an interest in their lives. This gives us a window into how compatible our child and their date may be and whether it is wise to keep going.
Assure them that it is okay not to proceed with the relationship if it is detrimental to either of them.
Grow in character
Help our children become people others will want to date. When we teach our children kindness, self-control, empathy and the willingness to look to the interests of others, it will put them in good stead for any future relationships. They learn that relationships are not only for their own benefit but for the happiness of both persons.
As awkward as the topic of dating and relationships can be, let’s be intentional to guide our children in this area. When we speak with genuine love and concern, our children will be more willing to listen and open up about their struggles and joys. Together, we can navigate this often confusing world of dating, helping them enjoy and experience healthy and loving relationships throughout life.
Want to be equipped to lead conversations about love and relationships with your youths? Join us at the upcoming Healthy Sexuality Masterclass in August!
Ailin loves the family life she has with her husband and five children. Between cups of coffee, she mostly tries to keep up with her kids, sometimes learns new teen lingo, and very occasionally writes at her blog, Planting Trees.
