Published on 13 February, 2025
One of the best gifts we can give our kids is the belief that their voice matters. Another is the belief that everyone matters.
When we teach our children to say “no” or to express what they want even if they feel unsure or intimidated, we are helping them grow into people who can say “yes” and “no”. It also helps them respect another person’s “yes” or “no” accordingly.
Be age appropriate – As we teach them about body autonomy, run through a range of interactions and role-play on how they can stand by their “no”, for example, “I already said no. I am calling the teacher”. Help them learn to articulate what they feel with a firm voice and assertive body language, through different scenarios.
These can include examples like if a boy in your class tries to hold your hand, if a girl wants to hug you for a long time, or if a classmate calls you his girlfriend.
Help them process their thoughts – Who would I allow to do these? What does it mean for me and for the other party if I agree to it? What if I am okay with it for a while but then feel uncomfortable?
Many tweens at this age start to feel the first stirrings of romantic attraction, so do have talks about the place of physical intimacy within a committed relationship. Rather than being overly uptight or stern, adopt a laid-back, natural approach to normalise talks about such topics.
Check out our video series for practical handles on how to have such conversations!
We should emphasise that every person matters and that is why we should always respect someone’s “no”, even if it is against what you prefer. We can also teach our kids to honour others – that is, to see them as valuable and to be treated with respect. This helps to mitigate any future scenarios where our child may feel like it is okay to go against another person’s wishes for their own pleasure.
As your kid grows older, emphasise that they can say “no” even if they have said “yes” earlier to something. For example, if they said “yes” to going to someone’s house but they felt uncomfortable as their friend started to show them inappropriate videos, they have every right to say “no, I am going home now” and do it.
The talk about consent must happen with both our sons and daughters and if possible, involve both Dad and Mum since both have unique perspectives and our teens may want to ask different questions to either.
We should also highlight that sex and physical intimacy with someone is meant to be special and consensual. Consent, however, should not be the only consideration, because sex is more than just a physical act. There are also emotional, psychological and relational dimensions to consider. Because of the power of sex to bind two people together emotionally, and to create new life, it is best to reserve it for marriage.
With your older teenagers who are in relationships, you may also want to talk through physical boundaries and discuss what they can do if those boundaries are threatened.
Some teens may find sexual boundaries within relationships to be a grey area with the idea that “since
we are in a relationship, these are the things we do”. Help them realise that stereotypical expectations
for physical touch do not need to apply to their relationship, and talk through with them on how they
can communicate their preferences.
Questions to help them process all these could be “If you are going over to your boyfriend or girlfriend’s
house when there is no one else there, do you think he or she may assume you are open to sexual contact?”, “What would you do if you are kissing and they want to go further?” “Do you find it difficult
to express how you feel if it’s contrary to what your partner wants?”
While our children are starting to become young adults, they are never too old for a loving parent’s listening ear and our regular reminders of their value and worth. It is important that we hold a nothing-is-taboo approach to conversations with our teens and to be a safe place. We do so when we empathise with the struggles that they might face in learning right and wrong regarding sexuality, and are still growing in their decision-making.
