Published on 05 February, 2025
My wife, Erin, and I have been married for more than 22 years, and we’ve had our fair share of struggles with dividing household chores. One evening as I walked into the kitchen, I entered into complete chaos. Erin was making dinner, two of our children were arguing, the TV was blaring, and someone’s homework was scattered over the counter and floor. Noticing the ticking bomb, I uttered four words that changed my life: “How can I help?”
That phrase sounds positive, right? I thought my offer would epitomise my loving-husband nature. But I quickly realised that I was creating a rift in my marriage. The evidence was in Erin’s response: “You’re an adult. See what needs to be done… jump in and do it!”
I thought, I can’t believe she snapped at me after I offered to lend a hand. And that’s when I realised that my offer to “help” implied that Erin was responsible for the work. That night, I asked for forgiveness. I reassured Erin that I knew we were teammates, and I was also 100 percent responsible for the care and maintenance of our home and children.
That night, I learnt that the biggest need Erin had was for me to take initiative. My need, however, was to have some downtime as a family each night. I didn’t want our home to represent only “work.” The solution was simple: By jumping in and doing whatever needed to be done, I could not only serve my wife, but also make sure the work got done quickly so that we could relax together.
How you share chores in marriage and household responsibilities is just as important as the ultimate solutions you come up with. When you share the chores with a teammate mentality and when your goal is to out-serve each other, you can bring an end to the chore wars in your home.
It’s Saturday morning, and you’d rather stay in bed than tackle all those household chores. First, there’s the pile of dirty jeans and smelly socks in front of the washing machine. And what about the bathroom? When was the last time the sink sparkled? What about the carpet? When did it grow hair?
Let’s be honest: Nobody likes chores. But how badly do married couples hate housecleaning? The referral site, Yelp.com, asked couples which household chores they hate most and what they’d be willing to give up if it meant they’d never have to clean house again. The answers might surprise you!
Almost 80% of couples said they have disagreements about chores. The top three disagreements include: who does the chores, when to do them and how to complete them. These are the chores couples argue about most:
When you willingly step up and shoulder your responsibilities, you show your spouse you are committed to your marriage relationship and that your spouse matters.
Working together makes a difference. Sharing household chores can become a new way to connect as a couple. Whether it’s doing basic house cleaning duties like washing dishes or folding laundry, you can use the time to talk, catch up with each other or spend time in each other’s company. And, research confirms that couples who share chores report higher levels of marital and sexual satisfaction.
Sharing workloads and working side by side with your spouse tells them they are not alone. When you willingly step up and shoulder your responsibilities, you show your spouse you are committed to your marriage relationship and that your spouse matters.
Picture this: It’s a bright, sunny morning. You roll out of bed and into your most comfy slippers. You lovingly glance across the rumpled duvet at your spouse standing on the other side of the bed, and then you joyfully make the bed together. … What an awful image!
I don’t care that a clean sleep environment is good for my health. It doesn’t matter that Sept. 11 is National Make Your Bed Day or that my mother would cringe if she knew I still don’t straighten the sheets every morning. The bottom line: I hate making our bed.
Many people don’t make their bed in the morning because they’re late and rushing out the door. That’s not me. I like margin in the morning so I’m typically not frantic. I can’t use that as an excuse. Simply put, I like to get into a messy bed.
My wife, Erin, doesn’t see our unmade bed the same way that I do, so a morning disagreement often ensues. Yes, we’ve had this argument many times throughout our 24 years of marriage. I’ve tried to convince her that unless she’s conducting tours of our bedroom while I’m away, no one will know that the bed is unmade. I’ve tried arguing: “I’m just going to get back in it tonight. What’s the point?”
The other day I was lamenting to Erin — for the thousandth time — why making the bed is absolutely the dumbest waste of time, when it hit me: My resistance had become utterly selfish. So I started making the bed.
Sacrifice is giving up something that you possess that’s valuable to you (e.g., your time, money, comfort, desire, etc.) for the sake of someone you consider to be of greater value. Serving — helping out or assisting — is often easy. But when serving Erin costs me something, it’s a whole different story.
Thus, from a place of valuing my wife, I told her that making our bed was now my job. I don’t want to feel selfish every time I watch Erin making the bed. I’m far from being a perfect husband and I still hate making the bed, but I love sacrificing for my wife.
Researchers have found that couples willing to make sacrifices within their relationships were more effective in solving their problems. This sacrificial love predicted lower divorce rates and slower rates of deterioration in the relationship.
© 2014, 2024 Focus on the Family. Used with permission.
What happens after saying “I do?” The early years of marriage are filled with unique challenges and opportunities for growth. Just Married is a 3-session hybrid workshop designed to equip couples married for five years or less with practical tools to build a thriving marriage. Find out more here!
What happens after saying “I do?” The early years of marriage are filled with unique challenges and opportunities for growth. Just Married is a 3-session hybrid workshop designed to equip couples married for five years or less with practical tools to build a thriving marriage. Find out more here!
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