Friendship in marriage is vital, but the busyness of life can squelch it.
Most couples are great friends when they get married, but after a few years, the pressures of life start sapping their energy and time for each other. If a marriage continues without friendship, many couples see divorce as the only way out. But it’s not! If you think fun, friendship and emotional connection in marriage aren’t possible, think again. Don’t let emotional connection in marriage fade away — revive it using these tips.
Most couples are great friends when they get married, but after a few years, the pressures of life start sapping their energy and time for each other.
There’s a common myth about marriage: It’s that the longer you’ve been married, the more work and less fun it is. This belief implies that the first few years of marriage are the enjoyable ones when friendship is really strong and there simply won’t be time or energy for that kind of connection over time.
But marriages don’t have to end up that way. Having a strong friendship and emotional connection in marriage is an intentional choice. It’s a choice made by two people who are committed to a long-term relationship, and it also requires action. The second law of thermodynamics says that when something is in motion, it tends to slow down unless someone keeps pushing it. If we don’t pay attention to our friendship and keep it going, that friendship will lose momentum and disappear over time — and then the rest of the relationship will begin to wither.
Friendship isn’t optional in marriage; it’s the lifeblood of long-term success. Research by the Gottman Institute has revealed that “great friendship” is highly correlated with “high marital satisfaction.” In his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Dr John Gottman writes, “… happy marriages are based on a deep friendship.” If my wife and I are good at working through the tough struggles that come into our lives but there’s no depth of friendship, it’ll feel like all work and no enjoyment. But if we’ve learned how to nurture our friendship and make it a priority, we have the resources to face the tough stuff together.
Make friendship a lifelong priority in your relationship and your marriage will thrive. Friendship lubricates emotional connection in marriage.
A strong emotional connection in marriage includes several elements:
Shared experiences
When you work with someone, attend the same fellowship at church or meet at an event you’re both attending, you’re sharing a common experience. It’s where romance often begins because there’s that touchpoint of being in the same place at the same time. What experiences have you shared with your spouse lately?
Shared interests
Since the early stages of romance involve getting to know what the other person enjoys and what they value, it’s natural to find things to do that you both like. Doing those things together gives you time to talk, and certain activities will rise to the surface as favourites for both of you. Of course, you can’t expect a sports fanatic to get excited about sewing or an outdoor person to thrive on having conversations on the couch. But you can explore your differences and maximize the things you both enjoy. How many interests do you and your spouse share?
Shared commitment
Genuine friendships aren’t immune to conflict; they just don’t walk away when it gets tough. In a healthy marriage, both spouses are deeply committed to the relationship — enough to face the challenges. They believe the relationship is worth much more than the momentary feelings, and they’ll do what it takes to work through those issues. They’ve learned to see the issue as the enemy, not each other. Even though these spouses are frustrated, they concentrate on the issue and commit to working on it together instead of letting it come between them.
How committed are you both to your relationship?
Shared investment
If both spouses focus on meeting their needs in the relationship, it means they’ve investing in themselves more than their spouse. It becomes a “taking” relationship instead of a “giving” relationship, with spouses keeping score of how the other person is performing.
If a person focuses on investing in the well-being and growth of their spouse instead, making them their top priority, there’s a continual desire to see them thrive. In that environment, investing in each other becomes a catalyst for fun and friendship — a true emotional connection in marriage.
What evidence do you see of a giving relationship in your marriage?
A strong, friendship-filled marriage doesn’t happen by default; it happens by design.
A strong, friendship-filled marriage doesn’t happen by default; it happens by design.
Think of a new vehicle with that new-car smell. As time goes by, the car picks up the odours of dropped french fries, diapers wedged under the seats and stinky soccer uniforms. It might still drive well, but it’s not fun anymore. The same thing can happen with our marriages. If we clean up messes as they happen, we’re investing in the long-term enjoyment of the relationship.
In both cases, if it’s been years and the mess is still there, we might need the services of a professional to get things back in shape (a car detailer for the vehicle, or a therapist for the marriage).
No matter how your marriage “smells,” here are some simple, practical ways to invest in your friendship and strengthen the emotional connection in your marriage:
Things which matter most must never be at the mercy of things which matter least.
The German poet Goethe said, “Things which matter most must never be at the mercy of things which matter least.” The longer you’ve been married, the more things will edge their way into your schedule and keep you apart from your spouse. They might be good things that seem to have real value; but if they get in the way of keeping the friendship with your spouse alive and growing, it’s time to review your options.
Friendship is vital to building a world-class marriage and a strong emotional connection with your spouse. Don’t leave it to chance; make it a priority and pursue it with intention. Make your marriage fun again!
© 2022 Mike Bechtle. Used with permission.
